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|Wed, 01-12-2011 - 9:06am|
So years ago I stumbled through this board, frustrated by my husband's lack of sexual connection with me. I would love to have had it every day, but was lucky to have it a couple times a month. His problem was that he was stuck in his own head - I remember blowing a gasket one Sunday afternoon when we found ourselves alone with a sleeping baby and he stepped into the shower while I waited in the bedroom to maraud him, only to find out that he had pleasured himself already and was "finished".
Fast forward - many intense experiences later (both of us satisfying our appetites on our own), I find myself on the other side. He is totally into me. Flirts, seeks attention, and would love to be intimate with me all the time. But I have no desire at all. I feel obligated to have sex now and then, but I don't want to. I don't even like to be touched. Part of it is because I don't connect with him physically - he's clumsy, and not physically intuitive. In the old days my lust and my emotional connection swept around his shortcomings. Now I don't want anything, and he doesn't offer anything that overcomes that lack of want.
I love my husband. I love our life together, and I want to be with him for always. But I feel so much in conflict because I want us both to be happy together, and I am afraid that sex is (as it always has been in one way or another) tearing us apart. I am afraid to talk to him honestly about sex because I expect that saying "I don't want you" will undermine any chance we might have of recovering our sexual connection. But then not feeling that I can be honest with him is beginning to make me resent our relationship. I just want to be happy - I want us to be happy - and that feels so out of reach.