switching sides

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
switching sides
7
Wed, 01-12-2011 - 9:06am

So years ago I stumbled through this board, frustrated by my husband's lack of sexual connection with me. I would love to have had it every day, but was lucky to have it a couple times a month. His problem was that he was stuck in his own head - I remember blowing a gasket one Sunday afternoon when we found ourselves alone with a sleeping baby and he stepped into the shower while I waited in the bedroom to maraud him, only to find out that he had pleasured himself already and was "finished".

Fast forward - many intense experiences later (both of us satisfying our appetites on our own), I find myself on the other side. He is totally into me. Flirts, seeks attention, and would love to be intimate with me all the time. But I have no desire at all. I feel obligated to have sex now and then, but I don't want to. I don't even like to be touched. Part of it is because I don't connect with him physically - he's clumsy, and not physically intuitive. In the old days my lust and my emotional connection swept around his shortcomings. Now I don't want anything, and he doesn't offer anything that overcomes that lack of want.

I love my husband. I love our life together, and I want to be with him for always. But I feel so much in conflict because I want us both to be happy together, and I am afraid that sex is (as it always has been in one way or another) tearing us apart. I am afraid to talk to him honestly about sex because I expect that saying "I don't want you" will undermine any chance we might have of recovering our sexual connection. But then not feeling that I can be honest with him is beginning to make me resent our relationship. I just want to be happy - I want us to be happy - and that feels so out of reach.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
In reply to: _lux_
Wed, 01-12-2011 - 11:12am

Where did your lust go?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
In reply to: _lux_
Wed, 01-12-2011 - 12:35pm

That's a good question. Part of it is probably a matter of wanting what I can't have. Maybe feeling traumetized by past experiences. Jaded. In place of lust anymore I feel pressure.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
In reply to: _lux_
Wed, 01-12-2011 - 1:04pm

If that's the case, then it's not fair to him that you can't make up your mind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
In reply to: _lux_
Wed, 01-12-2011 - 1:24pm

Keep in mind that a sexual mismatch became your, and your husband's,

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
In reply to: _lux_
Thu, 01-13-2011 - 3:04am
_lux_ wrote:

I am afraid to talk to him honestly about sex because I expect that saying "I don't want you" will undermine any chance we might have of recovering our sexual connection.

When did you ever enjoy a sexual connection with him that you have a chance of recovering? You've described a sexual relationship that has always been dysfunctional. If you were honest with him, wouldn't the worst case be that it would remain as dysfunctional as always and the best case be that it could possibly improve with honesty? What do you have to lose?

But then not feeling that I can be honest with him is beginning to make me resent our relationship.

Why hasn't an entire marriage full of a failed sexual relationship caused you to resent the relationship? You're only BEGINNING to resent the relationship because you FEEL your honesty is threatened by the loss of a possibility that was never there?

I believe the answer to your dilemma is summed up in the question: What do you have to lose?

If you're honest with yourself, you may find that by allowing yourself to engage in unrestricted sexuality with him, you stand to lose some resentments and some control that you've built up over the years to shield you and protect you over some hurt feelings. I don't know what the issues are, but I think you'll discover them if you think about it enough.

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
In reply to: _lux_
Thu, 01-13-2011 - 10:58am
Hey, why focus on not wanting him. Just focus on what a lousy lover he is. Done cruelly, you'll probably get him to back off and never approach you again.

Or you could be kind, and explain that maybe if he learned better technique, you might want him more. If he proves an able student, could be a win-win for both of you.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
In reply to: _lux_
Mon, 01-17-2011 - 3:24pm
Very good point. We have nothing to lose. At the moment, literally nothing. We have been through a phase of unrestricted exploration - both together and separately, which is what brought us to the point of switching places. He has come around to be more focused on me, but I feel like I've had enough, period. True - it has always been challenging because in one way or another some incompatibility has always been there and has evolved over time. The challenge is figuring out how to talk about it. We can both point at ways that the other person has contributed to our dysfunction, but it is hard to communicate or understand what each of us can do to make it better. I don't know what it would take for me to become interested in sex again. Or how I could "school" him without cutting him down. Ultimately I'd just like us both to be happy. Aside from sex, we are. Which makes it really scary to think that we are either stuck with dysfunction or face giving up on the life we want to have together. So lately, I did try to have this conversation with him. Suggested maybe a therapist could help us out - to which he seemed indifferent. Which means either that he's not as worried about our issues as I am, or that he's still not ready to open his senses to the other person in a sexual relationship.