The tables have turned...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2008
The tables have turned...
28
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 5:50am

My partner's desire increased as soon as I had the baby. I had to offer up anal sex within a week and a half, because we just couldn't wait any longer. It was awesome and it still is... Kind of.

My physical level of desire has decreased slightly with the sleep deprivation, but that doesn't worry me. I can easily get in the mood and my emotional needs for sex is the same - so naturally I think about it as often as before.

However, when it comes down to it... I find it difficult. We do still have amazing sex sessions, but in between those amazing times, I/we struggle. We argue sometimes before we're even past the foreplay, because of all the baggage from the struggles before. While it always has a happy ending (we make sure), it is very negative and tiresome when it happens.

On top of everything, the time after the birth of my daughter has been a very difficult one emotionally. Up until this point, I had never caught my partner lying to me or going behind my back. He has always held me to a very high standard when it comes to flirting or straying in any way - something I struggled with at first, but I have done my very best to live by. Then... On three occasions within three months... He has broken my trust in different ways. We have talked all three incidents through, it was almost the end of us, and now he says he has nothing more to say about it.

But I'm still hurting. I'm still thinking about it every day, wondering what else he may have lied about or done behind my back. Wondering when he will abandon me.

And naturally, this kills my desire. All my emotional needs for sex are still targeted towards him, but when it comes down to actually being intimate... I find myself avoiding it in discreet ways. We still have sex 2-4 times a week, so I don't think he has noticed it yet, but I fear for the day he does. I cannot bring up this problem with him, because he will be angry I'm not over it yet.

What do I do? :(

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 7:29am

My immediate reaction to this is that any ML here is a symptom of the trust issues you are having, and understandable tiredness.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2008
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 7:56am

Thanks for responding, I was hoping you would.

I think you nailed the reasons for my current problems with libido, which I am (as mentioned) trying to hide from him. I don't want him to feel as bad as I did during our last mismatch.

The ways he broke my trust were small, but put together, they are a mountain to me.

Firstly, my son claimed he had my partner's penis in his mouth at one point. My reaction, considering I have PTSD from sexual abuse and it naturally triggered it, was massive. Instead of being there for me and the kids, he couldn't handle the accusations and abandoned us.
I have spoken to a child psychologist about my son's claims. Paired with her assessment and the fact that my son had huge jealousy issues and just discovered "story telling" (lying), the matter of abuse is no longer a worry for me nor the professional. However, I cannot get over that he would just leave us in the state I was. He claims I should get over it, since he learnt a lesson and he did return.

When he left, he went to his mom's house. His family are meddling and insane - a horrible mix. We have agreed that we do not disclose any unnecessary information about us to his mom and sister. When he was back, I asked him what he had told them. He said he hadn't told them anything, just said he needed a place to crash for a couple of days.

Enter untrustworthy behaviour number two. I accidentally read a text on his phone which basically said: "I am leaving her. It's been a long time coming. Don't think I am ever going back." Not only did I feel humiliated, I am also left to question if that is really what he felt/wants to do.

To top everything off... My brothers came to visit and I went out with them for the evening. After a hard pregnancy, I was so happy to get out of the house and to actually have my family around. I came home early and everything seemed fine. A couple of days later I discover the PC history. While I was out, actually as soon as I left, he had started searching for girls masturbating on cam. Okay, fair enough... Porn is porn. Shortly after that, he had gone to chatroulette.com... Video chat with strangers is not something he would accept from me and it seems clear to me what he was hoping to find. He then proceeds to google some girl, visit her facebook and my space, e-mail her and eventually re-open his facebook account just to be able to communicate with her.

Naturally, I was livid. After all the crap he has given me about purely innocent flirting, chatting or even talking too much about a male friend... he pulls this act.

Perhaps I thought him too perfect in this area, but it was such a shock, I began questioning the sexual abuse again, I wonder if he has done this before, I wonder what he does when I go to bed early...

He has just said he won't do anything like this again (either of the three betrayals). Great. How do I believe a liar?

Sorry about the long story. Just wanted to explain it all.

Counselling is not an option, as he is done talking about this. I wish he had the attitude your wife seems to have (eventually), but he doesn't. If I bring it up, he shuts me down.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 8:18am
I suggest you go to counseling even if he won't. It will give you a safe place to not only vent your feelings but get a trained objective opinion about the situation, as well as maybe helping you to develop some new coping mechanisms.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2008
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 8:26am

Thanks for the suggestion. I may look into that. I'll talk to him this evening and see if that is acceptable to him.

As for coping mechanisms - my PTSD is as good as it's going to get. It only re-lapses if I am put in a position where someone threatens my safety, especially sexually, or (as it turns out) if I think my children have been sexually abused. My psychiatrist (who I no longer see for counselling, but can call for advice) said this is to be expected.

Luckily, I did simply pull it together and take care of the children and myself. However, that didn't take away my anger towards him for leaving his 1,5 month old babygirl, her 4 year old brother and his hurting partner because he was uncomfortable with the situation.

Not angry any more, though. Just sad and frustrated I can't get over it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 8:37am

Your anger is understandable as is your hurt. And until you get to a place where the immediate sting isn't as painful, or where you can understand his reactions (The why of what he did) it's going to be hard. That's why I suggested counseling for you. It would be beneficial as a couple as well, if he is agreeable. But, I believe you said he wasn't agreeable to counseling.

My DH and I were separated for a time, and at first we weren't sure whether we would divorce or reconcile. During that time, I vented some thoughts and feelings that were very transient in nature. I'm sure if DH saw some of those things now he'd be hurt about my feelings at that time. It may be that his text was simply an emotional outburst due to anger and frustration. I don't know.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 8:45am
...I'm curious as to why your counselor did not also mention the fact that your partner had been accused of child sexual molestation(that's the only way to view it...and, rightly so...your child deserves your protective reaction...by the way, I think your son should be seeing a child counselor...)...I think he reacted appropriately...while you did give birth and have two small children, how frightening it must be to have a child tell their parent that he was mouthing your penis!!!...especially in our culture of "believe the child at all costs"...he was in a lose-lose situation...had he tried to leave with the baby, how would you have reacted?...if he had tried to leave with both children, how would you have reacted?...how was he to prove that he did not engage in child sex?...he wanted to leave...he has a right to choose what his appropriate response is...I understand why he wanted to leave, I would have too...the most telling to me, the part that you should really consider (beyond protecting your children should he be a child predator) is that he said in a text..."it's been coming for a while"...
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2008
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 8:47am

Thanks for responding.

Yeah, as you said, he is not interested in counselling or even talking about these things any further. And I don't mean to obsess in any way, it was the three combined I reacted to. It feels like I'm living with someone I don't really know.

<>

This is what he says. But I can't believe he would say something like that after we just had a daughter and we were both talking about how super-happy we were.
The accusation from my son didn't cause any arguing, simply doubt from me and me being upset.

Another problem is that he, while we were arguing about this text, said: "Well, that's how I feel, so...". Again, he claims this was an outburst and he didn't mean it. Naturally it makes me even more doubtful.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 8:52am

Firstly, my son claimed he had my partner's penis in his mouth at one point. My reaction, considering I have PTSD from sexual abuse and it naturally triggered it, was massive. Instead of being there for me and the kids, he couldn't handle the accusations and abandoned us.



Sorry, I'm not sure you're understanding his reactions very well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2008
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 8:59am

I am very understanding of his frustration about the situation. But I did in no way press the "believe the child at all costs" attitude, I underlined that this was something we should get through together and figure out.

I didn't call any friends. I didn't call any family. I waited until I could get a hold of a trained child psychologist who spoke to me and my child, then put my mind at rest. All things considered, I think I worked to do what was best and not cause unnecessary pain to my partner.

He would naturally not be allowed to leave with my children under the circumstances. But I still feel that no matter how upset he was, he should not have left his family in that situation. Only a coward would. -I- couldn't leave. -I- couldn't get away from it all. I needed him more than ever and so did his newborn daughter and his stepson. My son even said to him: "We're sad. We need you. Don't go." and he shrugged him off, packed his stuff and left.

You say it is his right. Well, I have many rights I do not take advantage of.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 9:06am
...I am very concerned that your psychologist is not "taking" his side as well (because you are in a relationship, there are two sides)...his reaction was one of self preservation (instinct)...think of how you would react if your were accused of child molestation...I'm with mol42, I'm not sure it is safe for him to return...too much going on...it's unfortunate for his baby...I somehow think that this will play out in the future for him...I also think he's painted into a corner...he painted it...but, he's still in a corner with nothing but wet paint in front of him...I would have left and I would not have returned...he must love you and want a future with you...I also think you should consider that he is not a psychologist and he is not in a position to process "massive" reactions...please seek continued, one on one counseling...please...you can't parent or be one half of a partnership until you are as whole as you can possibly be...and, yes...I will stop responding...

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