the "talk" part 34123479

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
the "talk" part 34123479
44
Mon, 11-26-2012 - 11:30am

Or something like that.  On Saturday night (when I had initiated sex on either Thursday or Friday, can't recall) he gets into bed and grabs my tit and pinches it HARD.  My '%^#$, knock that off!' brings on another TALK.  Wherein he tells me that I always have to have it my way, and I'm not trying hard enough, and that we have sex, like what, once a week?  And that I only have sex to get him off my back, and I haven't tried to enjoy it, and we've eliminated all the physical causes so the problem is all in my head, and etc etc etc.  Of course he storms off, and I cry.  I have nothing to say to any of this, and told him so.  What is it I am supposed to say?  When I say that, he gets mad, and says everything else that gets done about this problem is his doing, and I need to step up to the plate.  He's not going to tell me what I am supposed to say on top of that. 

I guess my taking testosterone cream and anti-parkinson's drugs, and initiating sex once a week even though I don't really want it, and reading a zillion books, isn't actually the same thing as me DOING something about the problem.  This morning I called the sex therapist in the town 45 minutes away.  All new patients have to be put on a wait list and take a cancellation appointment.  The receptionist couldn't tell me how long it would take to get in.  And apparently I have to drop everything and go to whatever appointment comes along.  Not really excited about that, since i have a job and everything.

We didn't speak all on Sunday.  Not so much as one word the whole day.  I don't know what I am supposed to do at this point.  I'm all out of ideas.  I will probably call him at lunch and tell him about the sex therapist.  I'm sure that making that call won't count either (although it felt really awful and embarrassing and pointless to me.)  Crying at my desk.  great..  better go work and try to think about something else.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
Sun, 12-02-2012 - 7:09am

unfortunately, mirrnda has been posting for several years now.  All to no avail.  this forum has become a means to unload frustrations and to just be heard.  most posters are so entrenched in ml and aren't seeking an answer but rather just validation.  it's been asked of her several times to leave.  only she knows why she stays and therein lies the answer.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Fri, 11-30-2012 - 1:49pm

juliasuk wrote:
</p><p>Very sad, but very very true.</p>

How I wished it wasn't for her sake.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Fri, 11-30-2012 - 6:56am

 

'Then if this is the GOOD relationship you've got, accept that this is how it will be for the second half of your life and be quiet and content with what you have. Do what is being asked and no more complaining. 

He doesn't feel the need to make any changes for you and he doesn't have to make those changes--you're not going anywhere and he knows you will take him pinching you hard then gaslighting you by saying he didn't pinch you hard enough to hurt you. You will be charged with proving yourself to him from now til your last days should you choose to remain with him.  Doesn't matter what kind of health issues you're contending with--you need to walk that off and perform on demand when commanded.  No crying, either--victims cry and feel sorry for themselves and you said you're not a victim.  This is love and devotion and you need to step into it and do what he asks.  Problem solved.'

Very sad, but very very true.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Thu, 11-29-2012 - 11:21am

I'm 45 years old. I am self supporting, and I am making a free choice to stick with it, for the good reasons of love, devotion, and the fact that in all other ways this relationship is GOOD for me.

Then if this is the GOOD relationship you've got, accept that this is how it will be for the second half of your life and be quiet and content with what you have. Do what is being asked and no more complaining. 

He doesn't feel the need to make any changes for you and he doesn't have to make those changes--you're not going anywhere and he knows you will take him pinching you hard then gaslighting you by saying he didn't pinch you hard enough to hurt you. You will be charged with proving yourself to him from now til your last days should you choose to remain with him.  Doesn't matter what kind of health issues you're contending with--you need to walk that off and perform on demand when commanded.  No crying, either--victims cry and feel sorry for themselves and you said you're not a victim.  This is love and devotion and you need to step into it and do what he asks.  Problem solved.

He isn't going to flip into someone he's got no interest in being to make things easier for you, that much is obvious.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Thu, 11-29-2012 - 9:55am

So we're speaking again.  He says he was never giving me "the silent treatment" and that I wasn't talking to him, so he was giving me "time to think"  I'm willing to accept that even though my brain says "BS" 

 

I'm looking for a local individual counselor I can see to work on my internal stuff while I wait for the Sex Therapist to get back to me.  Schnarch has made me see that I need to get solid and grounded in myself so I can respond to him in a better way both sexually and relationally.

 

Yay Schnarch!  I feel like this man is a GENIUS!

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Thu, 11-29-2012 - 9:10am

So the board for women allows the word douche (because we all want to be fresh, right?), but doesn't allow libid0 (because we are women, so we couldn't possibly desire s*x, right). And then people wonder why stereotypes persist about gender and sex drives.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Wed, 11-28-2012 - 1:49pm
lol! Thanks Mav, for giving me my first laugh in DAYS! Yeah, he's a tool and a douche, but he's MY douche..and I love him, so whattaya gonna do?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2012
Wed, 11-28-2012 - 1:31pm

Your husband's a mega-douche. I realize that comment's not at all helpful. But it needed to be made.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Wed, 11-28-2012 - 1:03pm
A ruse to vividly drive home a point. Beck was not 'lying' about it being art because everyone knows better.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Wed, 11-28-2012 - 12:23pm

Glenn, you've gone all esoteric on me again.  I have no idea what putting a plastic figurine in a jar of pee has to do with my relationship.

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