the "talk" part 34123479

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
the "talk" part 34123479
44
Mon, 11-26-2012 - 11:30am

Or something like that.  On Saturday night (when I had initiated sex on either Thursday or Friday, can't recall) he gets into bed and grabs my tit and pinches it HARD.  My '%^#$, knock that off!' brings on another TALK.  Wherein he tells me that I always have to have it my way, and I'm not trying hard enough, and that we have sex, like what, once a week?  And that I only have sex to get him off my back, and I haven't tried to enjoy it, and we've eliminated all the physical causes so the problem is all in my head, and etc etc etc.  Of course he storms off, and I cry.  I have nothing to say to any of this, and told him so.  What is it I am supposed to say?  When I say that, he gets mad, and says everything else that gets done about this problem is his doing, and I need to step up to the plate.  He's not going to tell me what I am supposed to say on top of that. 

I guess my taking testosterone cream and anti-parkinson's drugs, and initiating sex once a week even though I don't really want it, and reading a zillion books, isn't actually the same thing as me DOING something about the problem.  This morning I called the sex therapist in the town 45 minutes away.  All new patients have to be put on a wait list and take a cancellation appointment.  The receptionist couldn't tell me how long it would take to get in.  And apparently I have to drop everything and go to whatever appointment comes along.  Not really excited about that, since i have a job and everything.

We didn't speak all on Sunday.  Not so much as one word the whole day.  I don't know what I am supposed to do at this point.  I'm all out of ideas.  I will probably call him at lunch and tell him about the sex therapist.  I'm sure that making that call won't count either (although it felt really awful and embarrassing and pointless to me.)  Crying at my desk.  great..  better go work and try to think about something else.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2012
Mon, 11-26-2012 - 1:08pm

I haven't been following this, and read just this one, but "once a week" is enough for most people above the age of 32 or 33, isn't it? What's up with your husband? I guess he's just into doing obnoxious things as a way of  arousing sexual desire. In addition to the once a week, calling a sex therapist is quite another form of "going that extra mile" for him. How great is that? I hope you keep the appointment (if your job will allow), because I'm sure you'll have plenty to tell the therapist. Please tell her/him everything. Leave nothing out. Don't forget the pinch, the hard pinch that hurt, on your breast. That'll be a new one for the therapist, a new something she/he had never before thought of, I bet, as a path to arousal. Oh, and don't forget the nagging and whining, the blaming, of which your ears and heart have heard enough, I'm sure. You sound like a wonderful wife to me. I'm glad I'm divorced.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Mon, 11-26-2012 - 1:36pm

When words fail, the only thing left is action and action other than what has already been tried and failed. Kudos to you for your willingness to experiment. One of these days, you might even get around to equity (wink).

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Mon, 11-26-2012 - 1:46pm
I'm reading Schnarch, is that getting there? After I finished Pertot, he was next on the list that I'd avoided saying "none of the other books worked, why bother" I am definitely seeing some things in the Schnarch book. I should give that a thread too... later..when I'm not so raw. I called him at lunch to tell him about the wait list and he was a jerk. He answered the phone "what" and I told him about the wait list and he said "good for you" then started up his belt sander. I hung up without saying anything else (even goodbye) I started to wallow and fret, but then I employed what I've learned about self-validating from Schnarch, and calmed myself down and ate lunch. We are not splitting up over this. The world is not going to end. What is actually going on right now is that he is refusing to validate me. That's okay, I'll do it myself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Mon, 11-26-2012 - 5:44pm

<< I'm reading Schnarch, is that getting there? >>

Umm, no. When he grabbed your tit hard, you should have said, "Yea, we like it rough!" Then grabbed his balls with the same force. Next, after reading your last book, you let him know that he needs to read it and give you enough feedback so that you know he read it before you do ANYTHING additional (incl. but not limited to this Schnarch book) to attempt to solve your MUTUAL dilemma.

That my friend, is equity.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 6:23am

 

'We are not splitting up over this. The world is not going to end. What is actually going on right now is that he is refusing to validate me.'

I truly feel sorry for you if you think that splitting up with this...'person' will end the world for you. What is going on here, imho, is he continues to sexually and mentally abuse you, and you continue to take it, and you will continue to take it for the next 25 years, and then it will be too late to leave. But you've heard it all before, and you will ignore my post, I know.

Your life, as you like to say.. you know best.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 6:27am

'..Umm, no. When he grabbed your tit hard, you should have said, "Yea, we like it rough!" Then grabbed his balls with the same force.'

For a clever man that you come across as on here this is perhaps the most idiotic thing I've ever heard in response to someone in OP's situation. Wtf are you talking about? She hated what he did. She told him so. He made it her fault, her issue, made a scene and is now punishing HER by giving her silent treatment, 2 days later. He's an abuser, he needs to be got rid of, but she won't, f knows why. Grab his balls and say 'we like it rough'? You're f-n hallucinating man. Get real.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 8:17am

We've heard different versions of this so many times before, haven't we...?  A lot of M's so called 'supporters' here will now come out and say 'Rocklady and Juliasuk, you don't know the first thing about what happens in s & m r-ships, it's all cool, it's all great, she has to play by the rules' etc etc blah,  cr**. We will again have this whole situation turned 'upside down' so that the abuse, the real problem, for want of a stronger word, is again covered up and hidden and pretend-non-existent.  We will then be called trolls and told to leave.

Sigh. One life that we all have, and to spend it like..this..?????

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2006
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 8:36am

my goodness.. im sitting here shaking my head in DISBELIEF. I said that before and i say it again Miranda - why TH dont you LEAVE this b-rd once and for all and start living an abuse free life??????????? And Glenn - you´ve GOT to be joking with this *grab balls with same force*. *Grab balls with same force* is when both people involved are in love with each other, madly in lust with each other (and are into mild sm-games but thats NOT the point here AT ALL). WHAT TH does that have to do with the gist of Miranda´s post????? Sometimes i really cant believe what people write here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 9:00am
Glenn, I've tried the "tit for tat" deal. Doesn't work, I get told he didn't do it that hard, or he wasn't trying to hurt me, as I was trying to hurt him, etc etc etc. And indeed we have an enormous problem with him trying to solve MY problem, and me trying to solve OUR problem. I've tried to get him to read books in the past about it, but he doesn't read books as a rule at all, so getting him to read one about my problem, well that has been a no-go. We are still having radio silence as of last night. I will probably try to figure out a way to end that this evening, because it is ridiculous, crazy making and not getting either of us anywhere. Besides we've got to talk about regular day to day stuff, banking, etc... I am finding myself wanting to talk and touch him as a way of soothing myself though, and that isn't the way. I need to calm myself, and come to him and any interaction or conversation strong and calm (which has been truly lacking in our relating to one another since thing started.)
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 9:06am

wow. I dont know why anyone writes on these boards because to me each story sounds exactly the same..only different people..

I have come to learn that there are all kinds of relationships out there good or bad and people just stay together for one reason or another and we cant change that.. If someone wants to get abused then that is their choice.. If they stay for a thousand years and get abused or no sex or sex then that is their choice. No one on this God's green earth can make someone else do what you think is best for them..

If you are getting so angry and frustrated at the posts dont answer them.. Please... walk away and do not post anything..

to each his own..

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