the "talk" part 34123479

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
the "talk" part 34123479
44
Mon, 11-26-2012 - 11:30am

Or something like that.  On Saturday night (when I had initiated sex on either Thursday or Friday, can't recall) he gets into bed and grabs my tit and pinches it HARD.  My '%^#$, knock that off!' brings on another TALK.  Wherein he tells me that I always have to have it my way, and I'm not trying hard enough, and that we have sex, like what, once a week?  And that I only have sex to get him off my back, and I haven't tried to enjoy it, and we've eliminated all the physical causes so the problem is all in my head, and etc etc etc.  Of course he storms off, and I cry.  I have nothing to say to any of this, and told him so.  What is it I am supposed to say?  When I say that, he gets mad, and says everything else that gets done about this problem is his doing, and I need to step up to the plate.  He's not going to tell me what I am supposed to say on top of that. 

I guess my taking testosterone cream and anti-parkinson's drugs, and initiating sex once a week even though I don't really want it, and reading a zillion books, isn't actually the same thing as me DOING something about the problem.  This morning I called the sex therapist in the town 45 minutes away.  All new patients have to be put on a wait list and take a cancellation appointment.  The receptionist couldn't tell me how long it would take to get in.  And apparently I have to drop everything and go to whatever appointment comes along.  Not really excited about that, since i have a job and everything.

We didn't speak all on Sunday.  Not so much as one word the whole day.  I don't know what I am supposed to do at this point.  I'm all out of ideas.  I will probably call him at lunch and tell him about the sex therapist.  I'm sure that making that call won't count either (although it felt really awful and embarrassing and pointless to me.)  Crying at my desk.  great..  better go work and try to think about something else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 9:07am
Julia and Rocklady, this has nothing to do with s&m at this point. I've tried what Glenn suggested, it didn't get my anywhere. So there was no "playing by the rules" There aren't those kind of rules in my life, regardless of what you would like to think. Julia, you seem determined to paint me as a victim, and that just isn't the case. I didn't say the world would come to an end, I said as TWO SEPARATE SENTENCES "we aren't splitting up" and "the world isn't coming to an end" This is something that reflects previous therapy I've had for my anxiety disorder. My therapist told me to realize that worst case scenarios aren't happening. I might feel like I'm dying but I'm not, etc.. Look I appreciate the support, really. And I understand that you are painting things with a brush that has a filter based on your life and experiences. But the fact of the matter is we aren't splitting up. I'm not some 20 year old victim being taken advantage of by the big bad man. I'm 45 years old. I am self supporting, and I am making a free choice to stick with it, for the good reasons of love, devotion, and the fact that in all other ways this relationship is GOOD for me. The advice to leave and that he's an abuser is played out. It ain't working. Go sell it to someone else, please.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2011
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 10:29am

Mirandarr,

First, I am sorry.  From reading your posts, you seem to be really trying.  BTW, this post is not intended to make this your fault, just the HL point of view.  : )

The pinch could have very well have been something he didn't mean to do that hard.  I think we all at one time or another can remember back to when we did something to someone else, and hurt someone when it wasn't the intention.

From the HL side, your husband, as you probably know, sounds frustrated.  I can tell you for a fact, and you know from my posts, I feel the same way.  It has to be her way, sex is not as frequent as I would like, I feel she only has sex as more of a chore, etc...

In the past I have done the storming out of the bedroom, the silent treatment, etc.  Until I came here and started reading posts from LLs (some yours).  I no longer storm out of the bedroom, give her the total silent treatment.  I will still talk to her and be civil, for how I am feeling inside.

I haven't been following this, and read just this one, but "once a week" is enough for most people above the age of 32 or 33, isn't it? What's up with your husband?

"And that I only have sex to get him off my back, and I haven't tried to enjoy it,"

This is probably why sex once a week isn't enough in his mind.

I have nothing to say to any of this, and told him so.  What is it I am supposed to say?  When I say that, he gets mad, and says everything else that gets done about this problem is his doing, and I need to step up to the plate.

This is a very frustrating part when HL feels that they are really trying, but does not see any progress on their side.  Remember the question I asked you in my post the other week?  What would you think / do / think you would do, if your husband, over time would do less and less of the things that had bothered you?

"What I cannot tolerate is acting like a spoiled two-year old when you partner respecfully declines."

I can understand this from the LL side, from the HL side it can be really difficult.  Think about it, a I'm p'd off at you decline OK, but when the respectful declines happen over and over can be hard for HLs to understand, and turn into the HL feeling rejected.  I'm supposed to respect his/her feelings, at the cost of mine?  You take the same senario / situation out of a sex and your feelings would get hurt.  For example, you have a friend and you keep asking them to go out to lunch, they keep telling you poliety "No, I don't feel like it, or Not today, maybe another day", wouldn't you start to wonder "What did I do?  What is wrong with me?" if you kept getting told the same thing when you asked?  Maybe your feelings would get hurt?

Even though you made an appointment for the sex therapist, which I really give you a lot of credit for, but after I read that and though about it...

It could be a huge ego blow for your husband, "She has to go to a therapist to figure out why she does not want to have sex with me?!"  I know you are trying, but in the back of his mind it may be adding more salt into the open wound.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 10:49am
okay, Bri, so what is it I am SUPPOSED to do here? I cannot manufacture desire, I'm a lousy actress and we both know it...so what exactly would NOT pour more salt into his horribly open wound? This is why the solution has to be a GROUP project, it cannot be "fix yourself, while i wait and pout and bitch" because NOTHING the LL does is going to "fix" it enough for the HL. Even the poster here who's wife read 50 shades of grey and got all horny wasn't happy. Why? Because all of a sudden desire like that wasn't about THEM, it was about HER. Guess what, she "fixed her problem" but that didn't fix THEIR problem. Because only THEY can fix their problem. Fixing her problem isn't enough, and won't ever be enough.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 11:29am

Miranda, you stopped too soon. You "weren't trying to hurt him either."

Recently, I had a co-worker attempt to encite me so I made sure he was successful. When I was called on the carpet it for it, I was told that "he was only joking." I smiled big and said, "Great, because I was only joking too. Now can I get back to having some more fun at my desk?" My supervisors were then powerless to exuse one and not the other.

What's good for the goose is good for the gander. Get it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 11:32am
Glenn, I don't lie that easily. If I did it back to him, and he hurt me, then I was trying to hurt him back... I like the way you work around things, but I am too honest/too bad of a liar to pull it off. I lie about as well as I act. Abysmal in both directions.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2011
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 11:35am

Mirandarr,

To be honest, I don't know, I wish I did.  I can only try and image what may be going through his mind, being on the HL side.  You asked questions, I'm trying to provide answers / explanations based on being HL, I'm not saying I'm right and dead on with what is going through your husbands head.

That poster with the 50 Shades of Grey was my wife.  I wouldn't say she fixed her problem. Yeah it was great when she was horny all the time, but again it turned out to be sex on her terms, she was still controlling the frequency of sex, when we had sex.  As another poster put it, I tuned myself into a spectator and not a participant.  She was initiating more frequently, but I still wasn't comfortable initiating sex, still felt like I was on eggshells.

Previous to her reading the books, 9+ months I had pretty much backed off and didn't make comments to her, didn't initate anywhere close what I used to, the ball was in her court.  She reads the books, things are great, and then as I expected she reverted back to her prior behavior and I had no say in the matter. 

You feel it won't ever be enough, so do I.  I feel I give / give up, depending on how you look at it, and it is never enough. I'm always one miscommunication away of taking 100 steps backwards with her.

You are right, couples need to fix THEIR problems, but too many are too focused on what they see is the SO problem(s), and don't want to look at the others point of view.  And the other bad habit I think both sides HL and LL alike, is we don't even give the other a chance.  It is too stuck in our minds what we think they are going to do, what we are expecting them to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 11:40am

Miranda, it is not a lie if you and everyone knows different. It's an exercise in reality despite the ruse. The 'act' is to demonstrate your point in a visceral and tangible way. Everybody involved knows better.

In fact, be sure to keep the twinkle in your eye through it all just so everyone is on the same page.

And if the man doesn't know how to read, get him the book on tape.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2011
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 11:48am

JuliaUK,

I think you need to switch to decaf.  I wasn't explaining it all away.  I don't really think, from reading a lot of her posts that her husband is physically abusive to her.  Mentally abusive, maybe.  Is it wrong, yes, does he truly mean to do it?  Probably not, because he is frustrated and does not know how to deal with it.

You wonder why people tell you to leave or not post?  Because you speed read, don't get facts correct, and immediately go for the jugular.  As I said in my post, you remind me of a feminist, all men are b-ds.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 11:52am

Deleted

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 12:09pm
71Bri, the LL partner is always going to control the sex. It works that way in any situation where one person is low desire and the other is high desire, be it housecleaning, or bill paying or big screen tv buying. Anything with 2 sides is going to have a high(er) side and a low(er) side. The low(er) side is going to be the controlling force because they are the least interested. If they weren't the least interested, they'd be the high(er) side. The trick is getting yourself to a place where you don't live and die by that control. To get past the resentment of what is inherent in any situation. To be strong enough and be centered enough to know that just because the person doesn't do what you want when you want it doesn't mean they don't love you.