the "talk" part 34123479

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
the "talk" part 34123479
44
Mon, 11-26-2012 - 11:30am

Or something like that.  On Saturday night (when I had initiated sex on either Thursday or Friday, can't recall) he gets into bed and grabs my tit and pinches it HARD.  My '%^#$, knock that off!' brings on another TALK.  Wherein he tells me that I always have to have it my way, and I'm not trying hard enough, and that we have sex, like what, once a week?  And that I only have sex to get him off my back, and I haven't tried to enjoy it, and we've eliminated all the physical causes so the problem is all in my head, and etc etc etc.  Of course he storms off, and I cry.  I have nothing to say to any of this, and told him so.  What is it I am supposed to say?  When I say that, he gets mad, and says everything else that gets done about this problem is his doing, and I need to step up to the plate.  He's not going to tell me what I am supposed to say on top of that. 

I guess my taking testosterone cream and anti-parkinson's drugs, and initiating sex once a week even though I don't really want it, and reading a zillion books, isn't actually the same thing as me DOING something about the problem.  This morning I called the sex therapist in the town 45 minutes away.  All new patients have to be put on a wait list and take a cancellation appointment.  The receptionist couldn't tell me how long it would take to get in.  And apparently I have to drop everything and go to whatever appointment comes along.  Not really excited about that, since i have a job and everything.

We didn't speak all on Sunday.  Not so much as one word the whole day.  I don't know what I am supposed to do at this point.  I'm all out of ideas.  I will probably call him at lunch and tell him about the sex therapist.  I'm sure that making that call won't count either (although it felt really awful and embarrassing and pointless to me.)  Crying at my desk.  great..  better go work and try to think about something else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 4:26pm
Hold, I'm sort of surprised you haven't had some astute method of getting out of the "silent treatment" I had always imagined your wife being the type to dish that out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Wed, 11-28-2012 - 9:07am
Well we are on beginning day 4 of silence. I'm still reading Schnarch, still getting a lot out of it. He did touch me in his sleep last night, which is movement, even if his conscious brain doesn't want it. I miss him.... I'm not responding out of panic now, I've soothed myself and looked inside. I've made good use of the time (and interestingly I have a LOT more time now, I never realized how much time I spent engaged with him in the past.) Now I'm just lonely and sad and missing him.
Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Wed, 11-28-2012 - 9:48am

I treat the silent treatment like I treated D15 back when she used to throw temper tantrums. "I might have been willing to give you what you wanted if you had asked nicely. Now that you threw a temper tantrum (or in your case, imposed the silent treatment), there is zero chance I will give you what you want. Next time you want something from me, please ask in a polite tone." Then change the subject or walk away.

I applied this no matter where we were - home, mall, restaurant, etc. Did it work immediately? No. Took a while until she realized tantrums were an ineffective technique. But eventually they stopped. After much cursing, complaining, etc. Despite all the drama, years later she is now a total daddy's girl and we get along great.

Do not react emotionally to his silence. If you do, he wins. Speak calmly. Explain that you are happy to discuss whatever is bothering him when he can behave like an adult. But that whatever he wants, the silent treatment is not the way to get it. Then whistle a happy tune and walk away and do some task from your to-do list as if nothing bad happened.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Wed, 11-28-2012 - 11:54am
Mir, take a look at Glenn Beck's latest stunt regarding 'art,' Obama, and free speech for an example of what I'm talking about.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Wed, 11-28-2012 - 12:23pm

Glenn, you've gone all esoteric on me again.  I have no idea what putting a plastic figurine in a jar of pee has to do with my relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Wed, 11-28-2012 - 1:03pm
A ruse to vividly drive home a point. Beck was not 'lying' about it being art because everyone knows better.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2012
Wed, 11-28-2012 - 1:31pm

Your husband's a mega-douche. I realize that comment's not at all helpful. But it needed to be made.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Wed, 11-28-2012 - 1:49pm
lol! Thanks Mav, for giving me my first laugh in DAYS! Yeah, he's a tool and a douche, but he's MY douche..and I love him, so whattaya gonna do?
Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Thu, 11-29-2012 - 9:10am

So the board for women allows the word douche (because we all want to be fresh, right?), but doesn't allow libid0 (because we are women, so we couldn't possibly desire s*x, right). And then people wonder why stereotypes persist about gender and sex drives.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Thu, 11-29-2012 - 9:55am

So we're speaking again.  He says he was never giving me "the silent treatment" and that I wasn't talking to him, so he was giving me "time to think"  I'm willing to accept that even though my brain says "BS" 

 

I'm looking for a local individual counselor I can see to work on my internal stuff while I wait for the Sex Therapist to get back to me.  Schnarch has made me see that I need to get solid and grounded in myself so I can respond to him in a better way both sexually and relationally.

 

Yay Schnarch!  I feel like this man is a GENIUS!