the "talk" part 34123479

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Registered: 05-04-2006
the "talk" part 34123479
44
Mon, 11-26-2012 - 11:30am

Or something like that.  On Saturday night (when I had initiated sex on either Thursday or Friday, can't recall) he gets into bed and grabs my tit and pinches it HARD.  My '%^#$, knock that off!' brings on another TALK.  Wherein he tells me that I always have to have it my way, and I'm not trying hard enough, and that we have sex, like what, once a week?  And that I only have sex to get him off my back, and I haven't tried to enjoy it, and we've eliminated all the physical causes so the problem is all in my head, and etc etc etc.  Of course he storms off, and I cry.  I have nothing to say to any of this, and told him so.  What is it I am supposed to say?  When I say that, he gets mad, and says everything else that gets done about this problem is his doing, and I need to step up to the plate.  He's not going to tell me what I am supposed to say on top of that. 

I guess my taking testosterone cream and anti-parkinson's drugs, and initiating sex once a week even though I don't really want it, and reading a zillion books, isn't actually the same thing as me DOING something about the problem.  This morning I called the sex therapist in the town 45 minutes away.  All new patients have to be put on a wait list and take a cancellation appointment.  The receptionist couldn't tell me how long it would take to get in.  And apparently I have to drop everything and go to whatever appointment comes along.  Not really excited about that, since i have a job and everything.

We didn't speak all on Sunday.  Not so much as one word the whole day.  I don't know what I am supposed to do at this point.  I'm all out of ideas.  I will probably call him at lunch and tell him about the sex therapist.  I'm sure that making that call won't count either (although it felt really awful and embarrassing and pointless to me.)  Crying at my desk.  great..  better go work and try to think about something else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 12:40pm
71bri, if you aren't in the mood, then you say no, just like she does. Look, I know it chaps your ass that you she has all the control, but you GIVE it to her if you say "yes" when you want to say "no" You are making it WORSE! It is built into the situation that she is going to have more control. It's not her fault, and I can guarantee you she probably doesn't really WANT that control. It sucks. That's why I agreed to an open arrangement. I didn't want that kind of control over his sexuality. You've got to stop resenting her for having inherent control. That's like being angry that water runs downhill. You cannot stop it, it's not the water's fault either. Get a sump pump, shore yourself up and work with it as best you can.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 12:40pm

Mir, I think it's great that you are growing in self actualization. However, if he doesn't come along with you, you will out-grow him and the marriage will end.

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Registered: 08-11-2011
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 12:35pm
"To be strong enough and be centered enough to know that just because the person doesn't do what you want when you want it doesn't mean they don't love you." I agree with this, but it goes back to my example I posted earlier, would you really want to sit around waiting for the other person, when you are in the mood to go out to lunch? I'm not saying she has to have sex whenever I want it, but getting turned down almost every time, and then have to wait until she finally initiates, which may be a time when I'm not really in the mood? That is the hard part.
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Registered: 05-04-2006
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 12:32pm
Glenn, Uh, it IS still a lie even if everyone knows it is one. However, I think I know what you are getting at, and I like how you keep it light. I just don't see this working in this instance. If I say "oh, I wasn't trying to hurt you either" then he says "yes you were" and if I say "so were you" then it goes to "well you USED to like it" and I am backed into the bad feeling corner of saying "yes, I know I did, and I don't know, what is it you'd like me to do about that" and he winds up somewhere down the line saying "there is no way I CAN touch you, everything hurts you or irritates or whatever, NOTHING turns you on" and then I feel like complete crap. However, sitting here all calm and centered I can see that there is a third alternative besides hurting me or turning me on. He can touch me in a neutral way, which is a much better choice than hurting me or failing to turn me on. It doesn't make either of us feel like undesireable failures. See, Schnarch IS helping!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 12:09pm
71Bri, the LL partner is always going to control the sex. It works that way in any situation where one person is low desire and the other is high desire, be it housecleaning, or bill paying or big screen tv buying. Anything with 2 sides is going to have a high(er) side and a low(er) side. The low(er) side is going to be the controlling force because they are the least interested. If they weren't the least interested, they'd be the high(er) side. The trick is getting yourself to a place where you don't live and die by that control. To get past the resentment of what is inherent in any situation. To be strong enough and be centered enough to know that just because the person doesn't do what you want when you want it doesn't mean they don't love you.
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Registered: 03-24-2003
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 11:52am

Deleted

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2011
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 11:48am

JuliaUK,

I think you need to switch to decaf.  I wasn't explaining it all away.  I don't really think, from reading a lot of her posts that her husband is physically abusive to her.  Mentally abusive, maybe.  Is it wrong, yes, does he truly mean to do it?  Probably not, because he is frustrated and does not know how to deal with it.

You wonder why people tell you to leave or not post?  Because you speed read, don't get facts correct, and immediately go for the jugular.  As I said in my post, you remind me of a feminist, all men are b-ds.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 11:40am

Miranda, it is not a lie if you and everyone knows different. It's an exercise in reality despite the ruse. The 'act' is to demonstrate your point in a visceral and tangible way. Everybody involved knows better.

In fact, be sure to keep the twinkle in your eye through it all just so everyone is on the same page.

And if the man doesn't know how to read, get him the book on tape.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2011
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 11:35am

Mirandarr,

To be honest, I don't know, I wish I did.  I can only try and image what may be going through his mind, being on the HL side.  You asked questions, I'm trying to provide answers / explanations based on being HL, I'm not saying I'm right and dead on with what is going through your husbands head.

That poster with the 50 Shades of Grey was my wife.  I wouldn't say she fixed her problem. Yeah it was great when she was horny all the time, but again it turned out to be sex on her terms, she was still controlling the frequency of sex, when we had sex.  As another poster put it, I tuned myself into a spectator and not a participant.  She was initiating more frequently, but I still wasn't comfortable initiating sex, still felt like I was on eggshells.

Previous to her reading the books, 9+ months I had pretty much backed off and didn't make comments to her, didn't initate anywhere close what I used to, the ball was in her court.  She reads the books, things are great, and then as I expected she reverted back to her prior behavior and I had no say in the matter. 

You feel it won't ever be enough, so do I.  I feel I give / give up, depending on how you look at it, and it is never enough. I'm always one miscommunication away of taking 100 steps backwards with her.

You are right, couples need to fix THEIR problems, but too many are too focused on what they see is the SO problem(s), and don't want to look at the others point of view.  And the other bad habit I think both sides HL and LL alike, is we don't even give the other a chance.  It is too stuck in our minds what we think they are going to do, what we are expecting them to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 11:32am
Glenn, I don't lie that easily. If I did it back to him, and he hurt me, then I was trying to hurt him back... I like the way you work around things, but I am too honest/too bad of a liar to pull it off. I lie about as well as I act. Abysmal in both directions.