the "talk" part 34123479

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
the "talk" part 34123479
Mon, 11-26-2012 - 11:30am

Or something like that.  On Saturday night (when I had initiated sex on either Thursday or Friday, can't recall) he gets into bed and grabs my tit and pinches it HARD.  My '%^#$, knock that off!' brings on another TALK.  Wherein he tells me that I always have to have it my way, and I'm not trying hard enough, and that we have sex, like what, once a week?  And that I only have sex to get him off my back, and I haven't tried to enjoy it, and we've eliminated all the physical causes so the problem is all in my head, and etc etc etc.  Of course he storms off, and I cry.  I have nothing to say to any of this, and told him so.  What is it I am supposed to say?  When I say that, he gets mad, and says everything else that gets done about this problem is his doing, and I need to step up to the plate.  He's not going to tell me what I am supposed to say on top of that. 

I guess my taking testosterone cream and anti-parkinson's drugs, and initiating sex once a week even though I don't really want it, and reading a zillion books, isn't actually the same thing as me DOING something about the problem.  This morning I called the sex therapist in the town 45 minutes away.  All new patients have to be put on a wait list and take a cancellation appointment.  The receptionist couldn't tell me how long it would take to get in.  And apparently I have to drop everything and go to whatever appointment comes along.  Not really excited about that, since i have a job and everything.

We didn't speak all on Sunday.  Not so much as one word the whole day.  I don't know what I am supposed to do at this point.  I'm all out of ideas.  I will probably call him at lunch and tell him about the sex therapist.  I'm sure that making that call won't count either (although it felt really awful and embarrassing and pointless to me.)  Crying at my desk.  great..  better go work and try to think about something else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 11:29am

Miranda, you stopped too soon. You "weren't trying to hurt him either."

Recently, I had a co-worker attempt to encite me so I made sure he was successful. When I was called on the carpet it for it, I was told that "he was only joking." I smiled big and said, "Great, because I was only joking too. Now can I get back to having some more fun at my desk?" My supervisors were then powerless to exuse one and not the other.

What's good for the goose is good for the gander. Get it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 10:49am
okay, Bri, so what is it I am SUPPOSED to do here? I cannot manufacture desire, I'm a lousy actress and we both know what exactly would NOT pour more salt into his horribly open wound? This is why the solution has to be a GROUP project, it cannot be "fix yourself, while i wait and pout and bitch" because NOTHING the LL does is going to "fix" it enough for the HL. Even the poster here who's wife read 50 shades of grey and got all horny wasn't happy. Why? Because all of a sudden desire like that wasn't about THEM, it was about HER. Guess what, she "fixed her problem" but that didn't fix THEIR problem. Because only THEY can fix their problem. Fixing her problem isn't enough, and won't ever be enough.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2011
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 10:29am


First, I am sorry.  From reading your posts, you seem to be really trying.  BTW, this post is not intended to make this your fault, just the HL point of view.  : )

The pinch could have very well have been something he didn't mean to do that hard.  I think we all at one time or another can remember back to when we did something to someone else, and hurt someone when it wasn't the intention.

From the HL side, your husband, as you probably know, sounds frustrated.  I can tell you for a fact, and you know from my posts, I feel the same way.  It has to be her way, sex is not as frequent as I would like, I feel she only has sex as more of a chore, etc...

In the past I have done the storming out of the bedroom, the silent treatment, etc.  Until I came here and started reading posts from LLs (some yours).  I no longer storm out of the bedroom, give her the total silent treatment.  I will still talk to her and be civil, for how I am feeling inside.

I haven't been following this, and read just this one, but "once a week" is enough for most people above the age of 32 or 33, isn't it? What's up with your husband?

"And that I only have sex to get him off my back, and I haven't tried to enjoy it,"

This is probably why sex once a week isn't enough in his mind.

I have nothing to say to any of this, and told him so.  What is it I am supposed to say?  When I say that, he gets mad, and says everything else that gets done about this problem is his doing, and I need to step up to the plate.

This is a very frustrating part when HL feels that they are really trying, but does not see any progress on their side.  Remember the question I asked you in my post the other week?  What would you think / do / think you would do, if your husband, over time would do less and less of the things that had bothered you?

"What I cannot tolerate is acting like a spoiled two-year old when you partner respecfully declines."

I can understand this from the LL side, from the HL side it can be really difficult.  Think about it, a I'm p'd off at you decline OK, but when the respectful declines happen over and over can be hard for HLs to understand, and turn into the HL feeling rejected.  I'm supposed to respect his/her feelings, at the cost of mine?  You take the same senario / situation out of a sex and your feelings would get hurt.  For example, you have a friend and you keep asking them to go out to lunch, they keep telling you poliety "No, I don't feel like it, or Not today, maybe another day", wouldn't you start to wonder "What did I do?  What is wrong with me?" if you kept getting told the same thing when you asked?  Maybe your feelings would get hurt?

Even though you made an appointment for the sex therapist, which I really give you a lot of credit for, but after I read that and though about it...

It could be a huge ego blow for your husband, "She has to go to a therapist to figure out why she does not want to have sex with me?!"  I know you are trying, but in the back of his mind it may be adding more salt into the open wound.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 9:07am
Julia and Rocklady, this has nothing to do with s&m at this point. I've tried what Glenn suggested, it didn't get my anywhere. So there was no "playing by the rules" There aren't those kind of rules in my life, regardless of what you would like to think. Julia, you seem determined to paint me as a victim, and that just isn't the case. I didn't say the world would come to an end, I said as TWO SEPARATE SENTENCES "we aren't splitting up" and "the world isn't coming to an end" This is something that reflects previous therapy I've had for my anxiety disorder. My therapist told me to realize that worst case scenarios aren't happening. I might feel like I'm dying but I'm not, etc.. Look I appreciate the support, really. And I understand that you are painting things with a brush that has a filter based on your life and experiences. But the fact of the matter is we aren't splitting up. I'm not some 20 year old victim being taken advantage of by the big bad man. I'm 45 years old. I am self supporting, and I am making a free choice to stick with it, for the good reasons of love, devotion, and the fact that in all other ways this relationship is GOOD for me. The advice to leave and that he's an abuser is played out. It ain't working. Go sell it to someone else, please.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 9:06am

wow. I dont know why anyone writes on these boards because to me each story sounds exactly the same..only different people..

I have come to learn that there are all kinds of relationships out there good or bad and people just stay together for one reason or another and we cant change that.. If someone wants to get abused then that is their choice.. If they stay for a thousand years and get abused or no sex or sex then that is their choice. No one on this God's green earth can make someone else do what you think is best for them..

If you are getting so angry and frustrated at the posts dont answer them.. Please... walk away and do not post anything..

to each his own..

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 9:00am
Glenn, I've tried the "tit for tat" deal. Doesn't work, I get told he didn't do it that hard, or he wasn't trying to hurt me, as I was trying to hurt him, etc etc etc. And indeed we have an enormous problem with him trying to solve MY problem, and me trying to solve OUR problem. I've tried to get him to read books in the past about it, but he doesn't read books as a rule at all, so getting him to read one about my problem, well that has been a no-go. We are still having radio silence as of last night. I will probably try to figure out a way to end that this evening, because it is ridiculous, crazy making and not getting either of us anywhere. Besides we've got to talk about regular day to day stuff, banking, etc... I am finding myself wanting to talk and touch him as a way of soothing myself though, and that isn't the way. I need to calm myself, and come to him and any interaction or conversation strong and calm (which has been truly lacking in our relating to one another since thing started.)
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2006
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 8:36am

my goodness.. im sitting here shaking my head in DISBELIEF. I said that before and i say it again Miranda - why TH dont you LEAVE this b-rd once and for all and start living an abuse free life??????????? And Glenn - you´ve GOT to be joking with this *grab balls with same force*. *Grab balls with same force* is when both people involved are in love with each other, madly in lust with each other (and are into mild sm-games but thats NOT the point here AT ALL). WHAT TH does that have to do with the gist of Miranda´s post????? Sometimes i really cant believe what people write here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 8:17am

We've heard different versions of this so many times before, haven't we...?  A lot of M's so called 'supporters' here will now come out and say 'Rocklady and Juliasuk, you don't know the first thing about what happens in s & m r-ships, it's all cool, it's all great, she has to play by the rules' etc etc blah,  cr**. We will again have this whole situation turned 'upside down' so that the abuse, the real problem, for want of a stronger word, is again covered up and hidden and pretend-non-existent.  We will then be called trolls and told to leave.

Sigh. One life that we all have, and to spend it like..this..?????

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 6:27am

'..Umm, no. When he grabbed your tit hard, you should have said, "Yea, we like it rough!" Then grabbed his balls with the same force.'

For a clever man that you come across as on here this is perhaps the most idiotic thing I've ever heard in response to someone in OP's situation. Wtf are you talking about? She hated what he did. She told him so. He made it her fault, her issue, made a scene and is now punishing HER by giving her silent treatment, 2 days later. He's an abuser, he needs to be got rid of, but she won't, f knows why. Grab his balls and say 'we like it rough'? You're f-n hallucinating man. Get real.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 6:23am


'We are not splitting up over this. The world is not going to end. What is actually going on right now is that he is refusing to validate me.'

I truly feel sorry for you if you think that splitting up with this...'person' will end the world for you. What is going on here, imho, is he continues to sexually and mentally abuse you, and you continue to take it, and you will continue to take it for the next 25 years, and then it will be too late to leave. But you've heard it all before, and you will ignore my post, I know.

Your life, as you like to say.. you know best.