the "talk" part 34123479

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
the "talk" part 34123479
44
Mon, 11-26-2012 - 11:30am

Or something like that.  On Saturday night (when I had initiated sex on either Thursday or Friday, can't recall) he gets into bed and grabs my tit and pinches it HARD.  My '%^#$, knock that off!' brings on another TALK.  Wherein he tells me that I always have to have it my way, and I'm not trying hard enough, and that we have sex, like what, once a week?  And that I only have sex to get him off my back, and I haven't tried to enjoy it, and we've eliminated all the physical causes so the problem is all in my head, and etc etc etc.  Of course he storms off, and I cry.  I have nothing to say to any of this, and told him so.  What is it I am supposed to say?  When I say that, he gets mad, and says everything else that gets done about this problem is his doing, and I need to step up to the plate.  He's not going to tell me what I am supposed to say on top of that. 

I guess my taking testosterone cream and anti-parkinson's drugs, and initiating sex once a week even though I don't really want it, and reading a zillion books, isn't actually the same thing as me DOING something about the problem.  This morning I called the sex therapist in the town 45 minutes away.  All new patients have to be put on a wait list and take a cancellation appointment.  The receptionist couldn't tell me how long it would take to get in.  And apparently I have to drop everything and go to whatever appointment comes along.  Not really excited about that, since i have a job and everything.

We didn't speak all on Sunday.  Not so much as one word the whole day.  I don't know what I am supposed to do at this point.  I'm all out of ideas.  I will probably call him at lunch and tell him about the sex therapist.  I'm sure that making that call won't count either (although it felt really awful and embarrassing and pointless to me.)  Crying at my desk.  great..  better go work and try to think about something else.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Mon, 11-26-2012 - 5:44pm

<< I'm reading Schnarch, is that getting there? >>

Umm, no. When he grabbed your tit hard, you should have said, "Yea, we like it rough!" Then grabbed his balls with the same force. Next, after reading your last book, you let him know that he needs to read it and give you enough feedback so that you know he read it before you do ANYTHING additional (incl. but not limited to this Schnarch book) to attempt to solve your MUTUAL dilemma.

That my friend, is equity.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Mon, 11-26-2012 - 1:46pm
I'm reading Schnarch, is that getting there? After I finished Pertot, he was next on the list that I'd avoided saying "none of the other books worked, why bother" I am definitely seeing some things in the Schnarch book. I should give that a thread too... later..when I'm not so raw. I called him at lunch to tell him about the wait list and he was a jerk. He answered the phone "what" and I told him about the wait list and he said "good for you" then started up his belt sander. I hung up without saying anything else (even goodbye) I started to wallow and fret, but then I employed what I've learned about self-validating from Schnarch, and calmed myself down and ate lunch. We are not splitting up over this. The world is not going to end. What is actually going on right now is that he is refusing to validate me. That's okay, I'll do it myself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Mon, 11-26-2012 - 1:36pm

When words fail, the only thing left is action and action other than what has already been tried and failed. Kudos to you for your willingness to experiment. One of these days, you might even get around to equity (wink).

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2012
Mon, 11-26-2012 - 1:08pm

I haven't been following this, and read just this one, but "once a week" is enough for most people above the age of 32 or 33, isn't it? What's up with your husband? I guess he's just into doing obnoxious things as a way of  arousing sexual desire. In addition to the once a week, calling a sex therapist is quite another form of "going that extra mile" for him. How great is that? I hope you keep the appointment (if your job will allow), because I'm sure you'll have plenty to tell the therapist. Please tell her/him everything. Leave nothing out. Don't forget the pinch, the hard pinch that hurt, on your breast. That'll be a new one for the therapist, a new something she/he had never before thought of, I bet, as a path to arousal. Oh, and don't forget the nagging and whining, the blaming, of which your ears and heart have heard enough, I'm sure. You sound like a wonderful wife to me. I'm glad I'm divorced.

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