Is There Any Hope???

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2010
Is There Any Hope???
15
Thu, 01-20-2011 - 5:01pm

My husband and I have been married for 18 years and have two teenagers.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2002
Thu, 01-20-2011 - 5:44pm
Is There Any Hope???

Where there's marriage without love, there will be love without marriage. Benjamin Franklin
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2007
Thu, 01-20-2011 - 7:25pm

maybe, maybe not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Thu, 01-20-2011 - 9:10pm

Hi there,

First of all, don't blame yourself. His lack of desire is no reflection on you at all. He may be gay, asexual, dependent on some weird fetish, or simply not very sexually driven. You MAY be able to find out the answer through direct but sensitive questioning, or you may not. It sounds to me like he "wants to want sex with you" but can't quite get there. If passion is important to you, I'd say your odds of meeting this need in your current relationship are slim to nil.

Sorry, I wish I could be more encouraging. As a long-time member of this board, I've observed that the only ML relationships that ever resolve are those in which the mutual passion was high at the outset (and even then the odds of bouncing back from entrenched ML are not that high). When the passion wasn't there to begin with -- well, you can't create something from nothing, IMO.

When you suggested an open relationship, what did he say? Might this be an option to bring up again?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Fri, 01-21-2011 - 11:00am

What changed during those two months when you were having more sex?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Fri, 01-21-2011 - 11:23am
>>.What changed during those two months when you were having more sex? How was it different? What did he do differently? What did you do differently?<<

I don't think this line of questioning will lead anywhere. I think 2 months was the most he was able to sustain as a LL. I find that somewhere between 2 weeks and 2 months is the limit for stretching way outside their comfort zone for a lot of LLs. Also, she had an affair, which can frequently start the NRE going again for LLs, because they are in panic mode. It doesn't last once the panic wears off, and you cannot live in panic mode forever.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2002
Fri, 01-21-2011 - 12:27pm

Miranda-

I'd like to say you really know what you are talking about and often what you say rings true for me. My DH got really serious awhile ago saying he would not live in a sexless marriage. Well, out of fear, I REALLY tried for a couple of weeks like you said then things fizzled out again. He hasn't brought the topic up to that extreme since. It would be interesting to see if I really am LL given if I were with someone who knew exactly what to do with a woman. Not worth the effort anymore really as it totally disgusts me, etc. among other things. One other thing that I found interesting with my DH is that I told him I'd be more likely to try and do it if we had condoms.. he's not really into that. You'd think though with that being a given chance of anything he'd rush out to the store right then.. but nope. Oh well.. just as well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Fri, 01-21-2011 - 1:36pm
>>I'd like to say you really know what you are talking about and often what you say rings true for me. My DH got really serious awhile ago saying he would not live in a sexless marriage. Well, out of fear, I REALLY tried for a couple of weeks like you said then things fizzled out again. He hasn't brought the topic up to that extreme since. It would be interesting to see if I really am LL given if I were with someone who knew exactly what to do with a woman. Not worth the effort anymore really as it totally disgusts me, etc. among other things. One other thing that I found interesting with my DH is that I told him I'd be more likely to try and do it if we had condoms.. he's not really into that. You'd think though with that being a given chance of anything he'd rush out to the store right then.. but nope. Oh well.. just as well.<<

Thanks Bluepen. I think my wisdom in regard to this is sort of hard won. I've paid my "dues" and then some when it comes to ML. I've reached a point where I can have sex every day. I don't WANT to, but I can do so without resentment. What I cannot do is to initiate it if I don't want it. It feels too false. It feels like betraying myself. Unfortunately that is what DH wants. He wants me to regularly and passionately pursue him. I can only do that if we aren't having much sex, and he's not willing to go without for 10-14 days for my desire to build to that point. So, as you can see, it is not uncommon for a HL not to want to do something that the LL has indicated as necessary for them to get exactly what they want. In some cases it's that they are not willing to make that trade off. For the record my DH would not go the condom route either, he hates them, and I have always known that. Also at work in the entrenched ML is that the HL doesn't really believe that jumping through whatever hoop you are proposing will actually WORK. They start to figure out that we cannot sustain it for the long haul, and that them making changes doesn't bring about any lasting or real change in us.

They've got it bad too. Sometimes I forget that. I'm going to try to passionately puruse my DH tonight. We've only had sex once in the last week, so maybe I will be able to gather up enough spontaneous desire for it to feel "real enough" for me to get past the aversion....
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2010
Fri, 01-21-2011 - 6:34pm

Thank you all for your honest responses.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Sat, 01-22-2011 - 6:11pm
mirandarr8 wrote:
I think 2 months was the most he was able to sustain as a LL. I find that somewhere between 2 weeks and 2 months is the limit for stretching way outside their comfort zone for a lot of LLs. Also, she had an affair, which can frequently start the NRE going again for LLs, because they are in panic mode. It doesn't last once the panic wears off, and you cannot live in panic mode forever.

May I emphasize that two weeks to two months is an upper limit? For some people it may be far less. W's upper limit is two days--the exact duration of periods of intensified sexual activity

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Sat, 01-22-2011 - 8:07pm
>>May I emphasize that two weeks to two months is an upper limit? For some people it may be far less. W's upper limit is two days--the exact duration of periods of intensified sexual activity such as our honeymoon, one-on-one vacations, "panic" times and immediately following sexual compromise negotiations.<<

Good point. 2 weeks to 2 months is MY limit for sustained effort. Others may experience shorter. I doubt there are many that can tolerate longer (except for the few who find resolution with sex on demand, or daily participation.)

Pages