Totally lost

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2010
Totally lost
16
Mon, 05-17-2010 - 1:14am

Hello All,


I have been a reader of this board off and on. This is the first time I am putting my issues here.


I feel my situation is somewhat different. I am an American of Indian origin. I got married back in India many years back following family traditions which is that the two families meet, boy and girl are introduced and if all OK, boy and girl get married.


As per the tradition, we had no sexual interaction before marriage. After marriage, the sexual frequency was OK but probably low from what I was looking forward to. We had sex 2 or 3 times a week (I would have loved to have it everyday or more).


Within couple of years of getting married, we immigrated to USA and have been living here ever since.


However, things changed when we moved to USA. My DW decided that she is "liberated" and does not need sex. The frequency dropped to once or twice a month. She even said that sex is overrated and has no real purpose other that producing kids.


I tried everything, I do most of the work in the house, Cleaning, Washing, ironing, cleaning dishes and much of cooking but it seems to make no difference. I thought that if I did house work, she will be happy and things will work out.


The problem I find is that she is always on the edge. She becomes defensive in any discussion and complains about everything that can go wrong.

Feel Frustated

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Mon, 05-17-2010 - 1:35am

I feel my situation is somewhat different. I am an American of Indian origin.


Do you mention this simply as a way of explaining the origins of your marriage or do you think the Indian culture is still having a significant bearing on your mismatched libido situation?


After marriage, the sexual frequency was OK but probably low from what I was looking forward to. We had sex 2 or 3 times a week (I would have loved to have it everyday or more)...However, things changed when we moved to USA. My DW decided that she is "liberated" and does not need sex. The frequency dropped to once or twice a month. She even said that sex is overrated and has no real purpose other that producing kids.


Had you discussed these things prior to marriage or was that prohibited? Do you think these were ideas she held all along and simply hadn't explained them to you or do you think she has adopted new ideas as part of the move west? What are her ideas and your ideas currently about A) divorce, B) a wife's duty to engage in sex when her husband wants it (or lack of such a duty), and C) monogam or the lack of it?


The problem I find is that she is always on the edge. She becomes defensive in any discussion and complains about everything that can go wrong.


Was she

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Mon, 05-17-2010 - 7:26am

Humor me.


DW arrives over 20 years ago, in a rich new land that promises her personal liberation (which may be rather different to what she was facing in her original culture - which also, as I understand it, places a high value on abstinence).

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009
Mon, 05-17-2010 - 11:17am

Sorry , but if all the people in USA were 'liberated',then no will be having sex with anyone? BS.
Dont people get divorced in India ? If coming here has made her liberated then breaking other traditions like divorce should be too.

There is nothing you can do,to be honest.Live with no sex or divorce-- thats the only choice you have.You can waste another 5 years trying all you can if thats what makes you better.

You have kids? If not,why stay? Life is too short begging sex from someone with whom you are not compatible.She might well be suited for someone with low libido.

Buy sex? Dont you have enuf mess already?

Stop going out of the way for her ( house work etc.) because thats not the reason for no sex ,its incompatibility of the drive between you two and there is no cure to that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2010
Tue, 05-18-2010 - 8:14pm

I feel my situation is somewhat different. I am an American of Indian origin.


Do you mention this simply as a way of explaining the origins of your marriage or do you think the Indian culture is still having a significant bearing on your mismatched libido situation


Yes, I mention this because there are cultural differences (much more significant 25 years back when we got married). That boy and girl do not engage in any sexual activity prior to marriage or even any discussion on the subject. So things like sexual expectations are never discussed.


Had you discussed these things prior to marriage or was that prohibited? Do you think these were ideas she held all along and simply hadn't explained them to you or do you think she has adopted new ideas as part of the move west? What are her ideas and your ideas currently about A) divorce, B) a wife's duty to engage in sex when her husband wants it (or lack of such a duty), and C) monogam or the lack of it?


There was no discussion prior but the cultural expectation is that once married couple can have as much fun together and create a big family in the process. Culturally there is a lot of stress on abstinence prior to marriage ( to the point of no discussion of sex) but once married there is no guilt or prohibition on having fun together.


I may have sounded too negative in my original post but we had a number of happy years earlier. Lack of sex was present but we had moved to a new land and both of us got busy working and building a future. I did not have time to

Feel Frustated
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Tue, 05-18-2010 - 8:32pm

Do you get the sense that she's one of those women who just don't care much for sex (and there are many), or are you quite sure that she has enjoyed sex at some point in the past? In any case, what concerns me in your situation is the poor communication between the two of you. It sounds like she doesn't let you have your say. Refusing to discuss your desire for more kids was highly disrespectful, IMO. I'm actually surprised you don't resent her to the point of not wanting to have sex with her. But maybe that's a female thing.

Freelance




Edited 5/18/2010 8:33 pm ET by freelancemomma
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2010
Tue, 05-18-2010 - 9:48pm

Do you get the sense that she's one of those women who just don't care much for sex (and there are many), or are you quite sure that she has enjoyed sex at some point in the past?


She certainly enjoyed sex in the past. It was always hard to get her in the mood and she

Feel Frustated
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Wed, 05-19-2010 - 9:12am

A couple is expected to make all adjustments to live together and

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Wed, 05-19-2010 - 9:56am

"Frequency of sex steadily decreased to the point where last few years (prior to No Sex time) it was down to 4 or 5 times a year and that too only if I made a lot of effort (day spent pampering and keeping her happy). I finally got tired of it since there was never a guarantee of success even after spending a lot of effort whole day (Usually, after 10 efforts, one success). It all felt very unnatural to me and I decided that I will make no effort and wait for her to make the suggestion this time. I have been waiting ever since."


Basically it's been a one way street in this relationship, her way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2010
Tue, 05-25-2010 - 1:30am

I see this as a different issue than sex and libido. I think the "no" always wins when it comes to making babies, especially when it's the woman's "no". Some people can only handle so many kids, especially when that person is the one physically impacted by gestation, delivery, post-partum and nursing.


Yes, I agree, it is a different issue than sex and libido. I mention this because I my DW deciding against

Feel Frustated
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2010
Tue, 05-25-2010 - 1:50am

Basically it's been a one way street in this relationship, her way.

Feel Frustated

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