Wanna reduce my Libido

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2004
Wanna reduce my Libido
Thu, 09-02-2010 - 10:26am
I am 33 years old married man... married for 6 years. The serious problem I am facing from last two years is that I have a very high sex libido, and my wife is least interested in sex, I have talked to her so many times and had so many arguments and fight after that. I tried to satisfy myself by masturbation but nothing is working. Its too frustrating. I cannot concentrate anywhere...
I think I have to reduce my libido and I have to come out of it... Please help...


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Thu, 09-02-2010 - 11:18am


Welcome to our board. Glad you found us, sorry you needed to! Now on to your question.

There are a lot of things that COULD reduce your libido, but probably won't. Antidepressants, resenting your wife, pouring yourself into other activities, letting yourself get out of shape, and the list goes on. Most of those things aren't really desirable to do to yourself on purpose.

I applaud your desire to minimize conflict within your relationship. You must really love your wife, and that is a wonderful thing. A couple things that might help reduce the problem (while not causing you to do something that might not be good for you.) You might look at what is driving you to want sex all the time.

Are you using sex as a band-aid to mend something else about yourself, such as insecurity or depression or anxiety? Do you feel like you NEED to have sex in order to feel loved? Could you learn to acknowledge that your wife loves and values you without having to have sex to prove it so often? I am not saying that it is wrong for you to want sex as often as you do, just that I understand that it would reduce the struggle for you, if you could feel better about having it less often.

You say that you and your wife have had numerous fights and arguments about this. Is there a way that you could approach the problem together, as a team? If you can work together without blame and guilt and character assassination you both will feel a lot better about it.

It would help to know more about the situation. How larges is your mismatch? What do these discussions/fights/arguments look like? How do they normally play out?

roo and snowy siggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2004
Thu, 09-02-2010 - 12:02pm

Hi Randa,

Thanks for understanding my issue very carefully and putting nice thoughts on it...
I just want to add something more here...
Indeed what happens is; whenever I am in mood to have sex, I used to initiate it and my wife used to refuse.. she says she is not in mood... and she is actually rarely in mood. Now when I initiate she get into her own guilt consciousness and she gets irritated on me and finally we have argument. I feel like having sex almost daily and I usually last for 30-40 minutes. After this type of session her hungers gets over for 1-2 weeks. But after having regular rejections and arguments I stopped initiating and started masturbating every night after she is asleep. And now I am frustrated by jerking off daily. Now as I don't initiate everything is okay between us.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Thu, 09-02-2010 - 12:26pm

okay, that is good information.

You might want to have a conversation with her that is separate from sex or initiation. At a time when sex is not on the table at all.

Think carefully before you have this conversation, think about what the minimum amount you would settle for happily might be. Think about what you really want from the sex. Do you want to feel wanted? Are you willing to go back to initiating? Is there a way she could tell you "no" that wouldn't hurt your feelings or something she could do to soften that situation? Do you just need her to participate in some way? If that is the case would a bj or hj work for some of your encounters? Do you require her to act all passionate and have an orgasm? If that is the case, well, you probably will need to get over it or settle for much much less than what you would find ideal. If she's not into it, she's not. Is there a way that she can participate even when she's not really wanting it that would be okay for both of you?

Ask her if there is anything you can do for her that would be reciprocal and make her more inclined to participate. It doesn't have to be sexual. Maybe she would be more willing if she felt like you were more involved with the kids, or if you took some of the household responsibilities off of her. But be aware that she might give you a big old "honey do" list and then not really feel any more inclined to produce on her end. Make sure she knows you are holding her to her end, if she expects you to produce on yours.

Again, try to work on it as a TEAM. If this becomes a polarized situation, it is incredibly difficult to come back from, as you will see from the stories here.

roo and snowy siggie
Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Thu, 09-02-2010 - 1:56pm

Easy cure: find a big rock and a boulder.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2007
Thu, 09-02-2010 - 3:05pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Thu, 09-02-2010 - 8:11pm

Wow, that's amazing!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2006
Thu, 09-02-2010 - 10:24pm
Wow... havent been on this board for ages... not because things got better though.... I see some of the peeps from my posting days such as holdingontoit are still here....
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Fri, 09-03-2010 - 12:33am

'Now as I don't initiate everything is okay between us."

Not really.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Sun, 09-05-2010 - 4:14am

I'm on the same road you're on, but about 19 years ahead of you and I can tell you what's in store for you.

I prayed for a change in her libido for years. Nothing happened. I prayed for a change in my libido for years. Nothing happened. I worked with her and pleaded with her for years to help her understand how important it is that we work together and find a compromise. I adjusted my attitude to stop blaming her and to stop judging her. I begged and pleaded with her to stop blaming me and judging me. In the end, all of my solicitousness only assisted her in seeing me as weak, in addition to already seeing me as corrupt because of my HL.

This summer we "celebrated" our 25th anniversary. She asked me where I see us in 10 years. I had to bite my tongue to keep from saying what I thought, which is that I see us divorced, her living alone in this house and me living somewhere else

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Mon, 09-06-2010 - 6:40am
...the lack of your desire leaves her feeling intimidated and insecure because she probably understands how important it is to you and she probably considers that rather than acceptance you've reached indifference, which threatens her status quo (which she probably wants to keep)...by the way...your advice about being candid, are you the poster that didn't feel it necessary to say the words "I am going to have sex with other partners" because you had instead said the words "I am no longer honoring monogamy" (or something like that)...