Wanted to post about a small triumph!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wanted to post about a small triumph!
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 11:08am
After all of the discussion about deciding to initiate with your DH/SO by just "Grabbing on" I thought I would try it. Got home, had big plans to just DO it. Got to bed, should have just removed my tshirt so it'd be more obvious what I might do and he'd not sleep so quickly. He was VERY cuddly and we snuggled up together. And I ended up reverting to my "usual routine" of kissing his shoulder arm, chest and stroking him, but NOT getting any bolder than that. SO, I got the usual response. Which is to say, heavy deep breathing. Not the good turned on kind. Went downstairs and just bawled my eyes out. Frustrated w/him for being so frigging dense, frustrated with me for being so wimpy.

Well, I obsessed about it all the next day. Big time. And I had plans that night to go out w/some GF's while he stayed home w/our DS. I couldn't IMAGINE NOT obsessing and being able to enjoy my night out when all I could think about was sex with my DH. Got home and he was there and welcomed me with very nice kisses. I asked him what DS was doing. he was in the basement tv room watching a movie. I just said "Great, lets go take a nap" and he looked at me funny and repeated kind of confused "A Nap?" And I said "absoloutely" then gave him a big slow deep kiss with my arms wrapped around him and grabbing at his butt.

He said "Yeah, ok, we can do that"

Well, got up there and discovered once again that for him, the thought of "gettin' some" doesn't get him up. At all. So I had to work with it. And to be honest, the response wasn't as quick as I expected. He didn't get fully hard until he'd performed oral on me. Then I think he's got this idea that since I've already come, that it's his turn and there's no lovely long slow love making at that point. I mean, HIS thrusting will quickly almost bring me again, but he just doesn't hold out long enough. But all I was expecting was a quickie (how long are "quickies" by definition to the rest of you? I wonder if I am expecting to much or bring unreasonable) and so it was ok. I did tell him that I had been thinking about him all day and I couldn't go out w/the girls when I was so horney. Had to do SOMETHING with it. I'd rather think with contentment about our "nap" than be frustrated! He just grinned from ear to ear at that, so I know it pleased him that I'd been thinking about him.

I know I should be happy that I get the response I want. I haven't been turned down when I am blatant, but that's really not my style and I don't always like it. And I have yet to figure out how to comfortably bring up the topic and say "honey, can we have a long slow sex session that lasts an hour or two like we did when we were dating a year and a half ago?"

Avatar for janegael
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 11:58am
My husband also has some of these problems, which means I have them as well. He's not turned on by suggestion and even by direct stimulation and rarely initiates sex. Sex can be oral for me, oral or handjob for him and then off to watch TV or play computer games.

We have been up and down about this. We have been together for almost 3 years and married for 8 months. Sex has always been a problem and has led to tears for us both as we struggle to figure out why he's not interested. He likes the closeness and loves to cuddle, but not to actually have sex.

We have developed pretty good communication skills and have discussed the problem again and again. It gets better for a couple of weeks and then his libido slips again. He was diagnosed with low testosterone and treated with replacements but it did nothing for his libido and other doctors said he never really was low in the first place.

I know he sometimes surfs for porn and it just came to a head this past weekend. Typically Irish I got hotter than I intended when discussing it, but not abusive to him. When I was done telling him how miserable practically having to beg him made me I asked him how he felt about intimacy. Out of the blue he said "it scares me." That was a revelation to us both. We have been exploring it ever since. He has finally admitted to himself and to me that sex feels dirty and shameful and although its wonderful while we are doing it, afterward and sometimes during foreplay he feels he should not be having it. He had a very restrictive upbringing where sex was a dirty word and it has deeply affected his abilty to allow himself to make love.

We have talked it over and have decided to go to therapy. He does not want to feel bad about making love to his wife. I have some issues of my own and we are going to work through this and make our marriage work.

I would strongly suggest that you and your husband talk as honestly and openly about his feelings about sex as you can. If you can work it out go to a counselor and let them help you get your sex life back. It might be something as deeply buried as my husband's fear of intimacy and deep shame, or it might be something more simple, but you won't know unless you try to find out.

The books do say to simply initiate lovemaking and that does work. He also needs to agree to let himself "feel sexy" something that might be hard for him. You need to talk and listen and try to find out what's going on so you can both feel comfortable with your sex life.