Warning:self pity,enter at u'r own risk!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Warning:self pity,enter at u'r own risk!
21
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 1:54pm
To many people April means springtime, bunny rabbits, easter...for me it marks 9 months of NO SEX!!! I'm not sure why I feel like I want to advertise it to the world. I feel like I want to step outside and scream "Poor me, poor me, stuck in a sexless relationship!!" In a sick, twisted way, I almost feel smug about it with regards to my BF, like it gives me more ammunition against him. The silly part is that he probably doesn't even care, I know if it weren't for me informing him of it last month he wouldn't even know how long it's been. Do you realize in 3 short months it will have been a YEAR since we've had sex?!! Even though it's happening to me, it's almost so surreal that I can't even wrap my mind around it. So I was wondering, what's the longest amount of time you and your SO have gone w/o sex? What's the longest you've gone w/o doing ANYTHING sexual? I really hope you guys respond, you know what they say, misery loves company!

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 2:02pm
26 months. n/m
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 2:14pm
Thanks for giving me some perspective,swift!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 2:15pm
Uggh!!!!!!!!!!! I feel for everyone who will reply to this post. For me, I can count on one hand the # of times we've had sex since all this ugly business started last Nov. I can't remember the exact date of the last time we actually had sex, I think it was sometime in January. Seems like forever.

Swift - I just can't imagine how awful your CL situation must be for 26 months to go by. I've told my DH that I'm not willing to let this go on indefinitely, but what does that mean? We all have probably said or thought that and time still pasess, and passes and passes and passes......

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 2:41pm
Cheer up. The longest period during marriage we went w/o having sex was a couple months short of 3 years. If I look at it from the standpoint of how long without Making Love, I would say ten years and counting.

JJFD

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 3:37pm
JJ, between you and swift I really don't know how you guys did/do it. I know it's more difficult to throw in the towel when you're married (even though my BF and I have been together 6 yrs. and are as tangled as any married couple), and have kids. I just can't see myself sticking around that long. I know it sounds horrible, but I just won't settle. I'm not sure our therapy is working, as he only does just enough to make it seem as if he's making an effort. For example, he's started kissing me more lately, but he only does it when he's leaving to go to work or where ever, that way he knows there's no risk of it going any further. He works nights, so when he gets home in the morning he'll come to bed and hold on to me, rub my back, etc., which he thinks is great progress, but I'm in a state of unconciousness, so there again, there's no risk involved. It's funny, to b/c he even said "I do that and you don't even notice", uh, yeah, cuz I'm ASLEEP!! I told him this the other night...we were just sitting around all night, I had nothing to do, neither did he. It would have been the perfect time for him to challenge himself and try to "just do it" as the therapist said. Needless to say, he didn't do anything. So I told him everything I just typed above, and told him he keeps saying he's trying, but then when an opportunity presents itself, he doesn't take the initiative and do anything about it. I also explained to him that all roads don't have to lead to intercourse. Sometimes I just want to mess around, plus, that will give him time to take baby steps to feel more comfortable with intimacy. So this is what he says..."well, maybe I'll come in later and give you a massage"...mind you, it was 1am and I had an 8:00 class to wake up for. I told him that I'd probably be asleep, he said he'd wake me up. It never happened, and I didn't want it to, b/c I needed to SLEEP, and I KNOW he knew I'd turn him down for that reason. What do you do when one of you is willing to compromise and the other isn't?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 4:01pm
How did I do it? Simple. I had been married over ten years at the time, had one toddler and one infant and no other perceived problems in the marriage. When you have that kind of history together, and the ties that bind, you just can't throw it away so easily for sex.

In retrospect, if I had known what I know now, I wouldn't have let that much time pass without sex. It simply made the lack of sex the rule rather the exception in my marriage. "Resurrecting Sex" (to borrow the phrase from David Schnarch) has been an uphill battle ever since.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 4:14pm
That's just the thing, though...it's not "just for sex" to me. It's symbolic of something more, something I'm not sure I can put into words. Maybe it's different for women. For example, in one of our sessions, the therapist asked us each if sex was an emotional thing or a physical thing...of course, I being a woman feel it's emotional, he being a man feels it's physical. What do I do with that? It just sort of swims around in my head, I really feel like there's no solution, and that scares me. Does that mean I'm ready to give up? I just don't know...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 4:29pm
I can't say mine is anything near as bad as the posters so far. I think the longest that we have gone without is probably a month (we have only been going out for 2 years). I guess I shouldn't complain as much especially since we are in a long distance relationship. But when you haven't seen each other in a week and you talk on the phone every night, wouldn't you think she would be ready for more on the weekend?

9 months and 26 months, you both sound like you are more than due. When it has been that long I don't think you are in a relationship. Sounds more like you are in a friendship. "But we have kids." some may say. Well, then it sounds like you are in a child raising partnership. Sounds more corporate than romantic doesn't it?

We just finished watching the movie Kissing Jessica Stein. She gets so fed up with men that she starts seeing this woman. After they have been going out and living together for a while, the other woman leaves. "Why?" asks Jessica. "Because all we are are friends. We never make love." was the sum of the response. The movie set it up and told the story really well and Jessica finally realized it was true. I think this is true for many relationships out there and may apply to many of the posters on this board.

I wonder if my SO is in love with me or just loves me. I love my friends but it is the girl that I am in love with that I want to snuggle with and make love to.

There has been some fleeting talk on this board of staying or leaving your partner over CL issues. I do love this girl and am not at the point of calling it quits. But if things don't improve by us living closer or together and/or by us dealing with other issues then I am certainly not going to marry her. Like many of you though, calling it quits would seem like too big of a thing to do. But should I live with this unhappiness? But, but, but...

Ok, I am done rambling now.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 4:44pm
Sex is not a purely physical thing to a man who is in a loving relationship. Sex is a very much emotional thing to me. In fact, the physical void is easy to fill, the emotional void is not. I don't think I would be here on this board spending so much time trying to figure out the whys and hows of my CL issue if it were merely a physical itch I was trying to deal with.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 4:49pm
Correction: that 26 month period was a few years ago in the past. We resumed sex at the end of that period. However, it hasn't been anywhere near the quality and quantity which I have desired.

Pages