What can I do ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2010
What can I do ?
Mon, 09-13-2010 - 12:02pm

I dont know where to begin .I am at a total loss.Been married to my husband for 2 years and 3 months,were together for 1 year before that.For records,I am 35 and he just turned 40,no kids on either side.
When we got married ( and before),it was pure bliss inside and outside the bedroom.But after few months,it just vanished into thin air, inside the bedroom,that is.We have a lot in common so do a lot of stuff together but he wont have sex.Not even once during the last year.I am in utter disbelief when I write this.

To make matters worse,I moved out of our bedroom 2 weeks ago in protest,if you want to call it that.But still,nothing.I have brought my concern over and over again.I have begun to resent him somehow.I still love him and I know he loves me but why no sex?? I sleep myself to masturbation while he sleeps snoring!!

Help! What can I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Mon, 09-13-2010 - 7:57pm

First, sorry to hear this has happened to your marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2009
Mon, 09-13-2010 - 10:06pm

Is it possible that this happens way more often than we think? In a million years I never thought I would find a community of women who were experiencing the same problem I've struggled with for years.

Because you don't have children, you might want to think about ending the marriage altogether. You do have a complicating factor though. I think in another post you mentioned you'd like to have a baby (sorry if I'm confusing you with someone else). If that's the case, you need to start getting some sexual contact with someone and because you're 35, you don't have any time to lose. Ask your husband if he wants to have children and if he says yes, ask him if he wants your children to be his. Then figure out your fertility cycle and start marking the calendar for sex. On the first missed "appointment," tell him you're going to find another sexual partner. This should also be your response if he says he doesn't want children. And then go do that. Don't look back. You're already out of the bedroom. Just keep going.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009
Tue, 09-14-2010 - 7:15am

roses,I am sorry you are going through this.Have you considered your H having some medical problem? Depression,low testoterene ,ED,stress-- thay all can add to LL.

I guess moving out of bedroom was not a bad decision at all.It just brought out that it was a priority for you and needed some serious work.It takes 2 to make it work.This will probably make him step up and see a doc if you suspect any medical reason.

You do need to work it out either way as ( not trying to stress you) but at 35 ,with no baby and you wanting one,you need to be realistic about everything.Unfortunately , we women have a bio clock for healthy kids,no matter what everyone says.Pleazse dont take me wrong but you have some serious thinking to do and take some decisions for YOU.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2010
Wed, 09-15-2010 - 2:01pm

Thankyou for all the responses.

I am so lost and have a feeling that he might be having an affair.I dont have a proof and dont even see any sign of him having one.He works from home, we have all the phone bills coming home,he never goes out late night.I know all his friends.

I dont know what to think or believe anymore.

I worry a lot about it and he isnt bothered.How can this be possible w/o another woman in the picture?Doh ! I am not moving in the bedroom till he sorts this mess out.

Thankyou again guys! I have a feeling that its more than MML.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Wed, 09-15-2010 - 2:55pm
...please consider that he just isn't into sex as much as you...please consider that all men aren't as into sex as movies/music/media try to convince us they are...please consider that if he isn't into sex, it isn't because of you (unless you have breath/body odor/weight gain issues)...it's because that is the way he is wired...have you said the words plainly "I want more sexual intimacy with you or I am thinking of leaving the relationship/having an affair!"?...
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Wed, 09-15-2010 - 6:41pm

You just need to start believing that he is a man who isn't interested in sex.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
Wed, 09-15-2010 - 8:04pm

Sorry to hear of your plight.

I do love your idea of seperate beds, I really got to try that and maybe I will sleep better. I don't have any ideas either I haven't had any in three now almost four years now. I miss regular conversation the most. It gets incredibly lonely sometimes. I think you really need to find a way to funnel your energy into something more personally satisfying and productive. One other thing you need to ask yourself, "are you better off with him or without him"? Me personnally I have not answered yes to being better off without her.......yet. If that answer does come I just might be gone. In the meantime every day I try to take better care of me and look out for what may be on each days horizon to make each day for me. Maybe someday it will be about not me but us again or maybe someone else and me to make it an us. I hope you find that place for yourself to find you again and to be you because thats important for you to be you and if the powers have it again maybe just someday some place the You can be shared with another you maybe him or another him or her whatever your needs or desires maybe to become an us again.

I'll be pullin for ya.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2010
Wed, 09-15-2010 - 10:24pm
I agree. May I suggest and annulment since he is not partaking of his "husbandly duties" You might be able just to end it. Otherwise do it yourself divorce is best.
And don't delay. I am a male who went through exactly the same thing. She was the best of roommates. But I wanted more. And I disliked the fraud. (sex before marriage none after)
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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2003
Thu, 09-16-2010 - 7:14pm

It is absolutely possible that he is simply LL. No other woman, just asexuality is his mode of operation, though in the excitement of a new relationship, LLs will be genuinely horny and passionate in the bedroom. Then, this crashes and burns. A few months sounds about right.

My ex was like this...we had an amazing, fun and passionate first few months. It left such an impression on me that I stuck around for years, waiting for it to come back. Excuses were all I got when I broached the issue, and nothing as I got increasingly emotional and sexually frustrated, he just shut totally down. We had sex 4 times the last year we were together!

If he's stonewalling you on this, I really don't see how it can be resolved to your satisfaction, unless you decide to endure it and live this way. Do you want to resign yourself to that? For my part, I finally left.