When do you give up?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
When do you give up?
1
Sun, 03-30-2003 - 3:08pm
I am an occasional lurker and very very infrequent poster who is wondering when to give up fighting the CL battle. H and I have tried many things but we cannot recover any real passion. Would you choose to stay in a sexless marriage with someone you cared about? Thanks for any thoughts.

margot

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 7:06am
Hello margotse - i don't think I've seen any of your occasional posts so I'm not sure of what your situation is... I think the answer to your question depends on if you are the HL or the LL. If you are the LL partner and you wonder about staying in your marriage, there are several things you can do to reconnect with your partner, if that's what you want, and if you still love him and find him attractive. If you are the HL partner then all I can do is join you in asking thr question . when do you give up? as I'm at that stage myself.

I think to be honest,that different people give up in the way and at the time that is right for them. Some people give up when they have tried a few things, found it hasn't helped, and realised that its going to be a long and difficult road and that they'd both be better off with someone else. Others give up when they feel they have reached the end of the line, done everything they reasonably can, and have got nowhere. It sounds like you need to be convinced in your own mind that giving up is the right thing to do, so the question is: have you explored all avenues you feel the two of you ought to explore to deal with this (alternatively, maybe your DH refuses to explore certain options - that counts as "done that" also.)Once you have tried all the things you feel you ought to try, and if things are still not working, then I think you have ot accept that its time to call it a day. As far as deciding whether its "workng" or "not working" is concerned, my acid test is this: Are you relaxed within the relationship, even though its not perfect, or are you constantly asking yourself if you are doing the right thing staying together? Do you find yourself putting long-term plans "on hold" because of your indecisiveness/uncertainty? How does the idea of spending the next 20 or 30 years with your DH strike you? Are you looking forward to the future or paralysed by doubts? Day to day ups and downs are not the way to judge if the relationship is working - you judge that by your general sense of "settledness" within the relationship. if its Working, it just isn't really an issue. if its not working, its a huge issue.