When Is Enough, Enough!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
When Is Enough, Enough!!
Thu, 04-03-2003 - 7:30am
I really don't know where to begin, but we are all here for the same reason. All I know is that I chose to ignore the red flags flashing brightly in my face which now makes me angry at myself, feel like a failure, depressed. Must I go on! It is definately a myriad of feelings right now. Our sex life started great when we were dating, then 4 months into it I find porno tapes that he denied were his but were tapes from a sudden move out of college friends and things just got "mixed up". I explained that from time to time I like to watch them but if he did that in the past w/other partners it was okay. I just felt insecure about the whole thing. That being said, he threw them away. I made a huge decision to move w/him 4 hrs away, got engaged only to find out more porno twice in the next 6 months which he vowed would never happen again. Well I continued to stay even though I said I would leave if I found more. Our new jobs were extremely stressful leaving less intimate time. Granted I would MAKE TIME, but he on the other hand gained weight, worried about everything except what really mattered which were MY FEELINGS. I started to get excuses all of the time always ending with us fighting, me feeling rejected and insecure like what the hell is wrong w/me. At the time we moved I was put on a hormone to put me in menopause to shrink endometriosis so that made me the bitch from hell! Not saying what he did was right, but I was definately not a pleasant person to be around. I can't help but thinking when he got caught, our sex life changed forever! Once shortly after I caught him, we were at a hotel and I tried order an adult movie only to result in him saying he hated me, cried and left the hotel room! Psychological wouldn't you say!! But yet I continued to move w/him and the saga continues. We got engaged shortly after we moved, then postponed the wedding another yr b/c of finances and in my mind I was happy. More time for change, ya right! What was I thinking? Well we started planning the wedding and continued sexless at one time for 4 months! Then every time we would go away we would drink and then we would have sex. I don't agree w/this b/c I feel he is inhibited and not really w/me if you get what I am saying. B/c this really seems to be the only time he will be w/me.

So I didn't want to break off the engagement, afraid of failure and we already put so much into the wedding financially so I forced him to go to the doctor as my last effort to control the situation or I would not marry him. He ended up finding out he had High BP and high tryglycerides which he is now on med's for. The doc also gave him Viagra. Erection is not the problem. Have any of you girls actually seen your guy excited and still reject you? That hurt me so much, I couldn't believe it. Any time I would try to turn him on and I could see it, he would fall asleep or give me the cold shoulder. He tried to say he is not confident. He proceded to write me a letter b4 we go married that he did the porno only to help him be better at it w/me. I don't buy it. Because we aren't doing it. He feels bad/sinful and it is wrong. When I suggested I would do it w/him he refused and told me he was appalled!

So needless to say we are married going on 9 months of it. We had sex 4 times on our honeymoon, then it took to October for the next time. Then I think Jan. once in Feb. when we went to HIlton Head so now it going on 2 months again. MInd you I just had surgery on my reproductive organs so I am still bleeding and it is a perfect excuse for him.

I just wonder what the dynamics of all the other relationships out there. Are your husbands/boyfriends controlling or have to be the center of attention. Mine does and I will tell you that I have never been so aware of it than I am right now. Like he can travel because his job requires it at times, but if I do whoah what is going on? So there are many examples. I also have an anger problem and his relatioship w/his mother is terrible in a sick way so it really feeds into our relationship. My DH and I have had many great talks about the sex even as recently as a few weeks ago when we were apart for a few days. The first day we were away from each other, he was saying how unfair he has been to me and what a hard life I have lived w/my childood, etc. I thought we were getting somewhere. Then this past weekend I didn't see him for a day and he he asked me if I was allowed to have sex yet from the surgery which proves he doesn't listen when sex comes up b/c I told him I was allowed a week after. He said we would but when we got home, it didn't happen!! So I tried to talk to him and he didn't want to hurt my incisions which did hurt a little but my sex drive was overpowering!!

So any suggestions? I am sorry this is so long.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-03-2003 - 9:19am
>>Have any of you girls actually seen your guy excited and still reject you?<<<

Yep, it hurts SOOO bad. He's also acted like he's going to initiate, poking me with his thing and then roll over and go to sleep. OUCH!!

>.We had sex 4 times on our honeymoon<<

Twice for us. :-(

You sound so much like us! I haven't had to have any surgery, but other than that, our relationships are IDENTICAL!!


Edited 4/3/2003 10:20:23 AM ET by ace61502