When you LB partner takes care of themselves

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2011
When you LB partner takes care of themselves
35
Tue, 09-13-2011 - 6:00am

So I have an LB husband that still masturbates. I obviously dont know how often but he says its very little and that he'd rather have sex but its not always an option. So Im asking the LBs does masturbating have any effect on your sexual desire with your partner? And HBs do you get offended when they choose to masturbate rather than have sex? Or do the two just have nothing to do with eachother?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Tue, 09-13-2011 - 11:02am
Spineofgod,

Your abbreviations might be throwing me. Are you meaning low libido when you type LB. What does the B stand for? Same with HB? On this board we typically refer to them as LL and HL, just fyi.

If that is the case (as I suspect it is) I can sort of answer your question. For many LLs masturbating is just EASIER. It's quick, and you can get what you need without all the effort of full on partner sex. For some LLs there are aversions with partnered sex (smells, tastes, fluids, etc) for some there are peformance and anxiety issues with partnered sex that aren't there with masturbation.

As for does it affect the desire for partnered sex? Well, I've got little to no desire for partnered sex at this stage of things, but still occasionally masturbate, because I want the orgasm (simply put.) I only have partnered sex for my DH's benefit, not for my own (well, I mean, I benefit by having him be happier, etc, but sexually, there's no benefit to me really, as I rarely have an orgasm that way anymore.)
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2003
Tue, 09-13-2011 - 11:20am

Hi,

I am a guy with a HL and my wife is LL.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Tue, 09-13-2011 - 11:45am
>>The mismatched libido problem has plagued us for years, after numerous talks I have given up. Catching her masturbating was the final straw, she had often claimed she wasn't in the mood, and her self gratification was all I could take.<<

Of course it is totally within your right to feel like you can't take anymore, but if you want to really understand one another (instead of talking past one another) you might consider that what she was not in the mood for wasn't so much her own orgasm, as it was having to participate in sexual work to please someone else.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2011
Tue, 09-13-2011 - 3:36pm

This would offend me and would be the straw that broke the camels back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Tue, 09-13-2011 - 5:48pm

Having previously

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Wed, 09-14-2011 - 10:39am
Masturbating is generally quicker and easier and typically does not trigger "performance anxiety". If the LL is not that into sex, or not that into sex with their current partner, taking care of yourself can seem preferable to partner sex.

The deflection and avoidance is typical LL behavior. They don't want to appear compeltely asexual, which might cause the HL to leave the relationship, but they only allow their sexuality (or their feigned sexuality) to manifest itself when there is little or no chance of sex actually taking place. Enormously frustrating to the HL.

The best answer (assuming the HL is willing to undertake additional risk of the relationship breaing down completely) is not to passive-aggresively withdraw but rather to adopt an active policy of confrontation. To inform the LL that the status quo is unwelcome. And to negotiate in good faith for a mutually acceptable set of changed behaviors (on both sides). With the clear understanding that it is possible no mutually acceptable set of behaviors exists.

Or the HL can muddle along tolerating the status quo out of fear. Or the HL can withdraw and descend further on the negative feedback loop in the hope that if they make the LL sufficiently uncomfortable, the LL may choose to open the dialogue. As the most risk averse person here, I will not throw stones at anyone who chooses a less confrontational approach. Though I won't offer them much hope of it succeeding, either.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2011
Wed, 09-14-2011 - 10:49am

mirandarr8, I did mean LL, I dont know what happened there!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Wed, 09-14-2011 - 11:00am
>>to me thats not having a low libido its just having those issues. Whether they want to see a specialist about it and sort it out is up to them. <<

It is unlikely that having a low libido exists in a vacuum. There are often reasons the person doesn't actively want/enjoy sex. That is not to say that those reasons can be overcome and all will be hunky dory, cause I've seen first hand that it just ain't so. For instance, in my case, the performance anxiety IS the low libido. They are so wound up together I cannot pry them apart. The whole time partnered sex is taking place I'm in my own head with a running dialog something like this "why aren't I excited yet? Am I lubricating enough? I should probably make some noises now, or do some thrusting otherwise he's going to get mad because I'm not 'into it' enough. How much longer is this going to last? Should I fake an orgasm? Will that speed things along? Should I be rubbing myself? Will that make me have an orgasm, or just result in me feeling even more defective?" And on and on ad nauseum. I get none of that if I masturbate.

Should I see a specialist? Probably. What kind though? There are no sex therapists within 2 hours of where I live, and I have already had a boatload of individual therapy and some couples counselling. How much more help can that possibly be at this point?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2011
Wed, 09-14-2011 - 11:03am

holdingontoit, Sound advice, and its sorta working for me so far. I tried to withdraw, not out of spite but out of necessity to stop feeling the pain. I stopped being affectionate, I stopped trying to initiate sex. The result was that my husband became more and more distant. And I started to feel depressed. Then we had the confrontation and talked about ways we both needed to change. Trouble is he said he thought things were great the way they were! We agreed on things we could do better, but not much has changed. Im trying to be patient at the moment. Im not withdrawn any more, Im affectionate but I dont try to initiate sex, I think because the sting of rejection is still there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2011
Wed, 09-14-2011 - 11:05am

I get what you mean, and yes I agree, to truly have a low libido you wouldnt want to have sex in anyway including masterbation.

Pages