where did we go wrong :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2011
where did we go wrong :(
8
Sun, 10-09-2011 - 8:52am

Please bear with me here as I vent out...

Husband and I have been married for 3 years now. We loved eachother and like any other family, ours had issues with eachother too, nothing big according to me (you know "he said, she said" type) but I have gone past everything anyone said and just want to enjoy life now. But sadly, and maybe this is the reason why, it's taken more of a toll on my husband. It's not like he's not caring and understanding but we don't have a physically intimate relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2011
Mon, 10-10-2011 - 9:50am
Hi M Girl,

More common in our culture than anyone truly realizes, in my opinion. Seems like something just kicked in, sometime around the mid-80's maybe...
and millions of Americans were all of a sudden proving to everyone that sex was no longer the "big deal" it was since the 60's.

I really think this is a widespread phenomenon that is a well-kept secret. Because, like my wife, people self-delude about "normal" when it comes to sex.

Your H probably gives all his buddies and co-workers, et al, the overt, or at least implied message that he's "taking care of business" at home, and all's well. His buddies are mostly giving out the same info. Except more than just a few, both sexes, are either lying or deluding.

Here's what I think: I think we can even hear them make excuses, as you've heard from him. But i think they consider those as "one-off's" rather than a "thing". Do you really think he's at a point to where his mind KNOWS that he's:
- Letting his wife down emotionally AND sexually
- And punting some really key marital responsibilities to boot?

I'm betting not. I bet he's mentally making those excuses as single "reasons" strung along thru time. Meaning even though YOU (like me) can honestly say "oh yeah we've talked about it...I've told him how it feels to me"....the bottom line is, I bet you he's like mine was for ten or more years. I bet he doesn't get it. And you won't have an easy time getting him to get it.

Good luck and keep reading the board. There is some help here.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2008
Wed, 10-12-2011 - 11:08am
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2011
Wed, 10-12-2011 - 11:28am

you're right. Every time I try to have a serious conversation it leads away to the things that I'm not doing right. And so every time I feel, he just doesn't get it.

Do you think maybe its the age... I'm 28 and he's 38? All I want is an intimate relationship, a kiss, a hug, an arm around my shoulder...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2004
Wed, 10-12-2011 - 11:49am

If he was like that from the start it is not likely age related, it may just be the way he is under the unique circumstances of your relationship. Or he may just be like that. The most difficult part, though, is the deflection when you attempt to delve into the why's. For similar reasons I can not 'talk' to my DW because she also deflects the conversation into some other unrelated topic. Makes it near impossible to make progress but if pressed my DW would say that she just doesn't know.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2011
Mon, 10-17-2011 - 11:44pm

Hi I really understand you right now, I am 28 and I'm not getting action in the bedroom either but try to make a romantic day just the two of you watch movies all day make him take off form work you know he has a few sick days. Make him a nice meal you know candles and sexy clothes and maybe even draw him a tub or something and tell him if he didn't get the clue I want to have sex and sex all night hope all is well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Tue, 10-18-2011 - 10:17am

Hi I really understand you right now, I am 28 and I'm not getting action in the bedroom either but try to make a romantic day just the two of you watch movies all day make him take off form work you know he has a few sick days. Make him a nice meal you know candles and sexy clothes and maybe even draw him a tub or something and tell him if he didn't get the clue I want to have sex and sex all night hope all is well.

Does any of that work for your situation?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2009
Tue, 10-18-2011 - 3:51pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2011
Wed, 10-19-2011 - 10:37am
Im with magnaniman and tranquility on this one. Sadly, none of this works. Ever. I wish it were that easy. :(