Wife of bi husband with some thoughts...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wife of bi husband with some thoughts...
3
Thu, 04-03-2003 - 3:17am
I was reading the posts regarding "ever wondered if your spouse was gay". I have been married 14 yrs. Too may times over the years I wondered if DH was gay because of being turned down for sex. I asked many times and the answer was always no. Last December I got a different answer.....he's bi. He actually had sex with 2 men. My world came crashing down. We have never had a perfect marriage. I had an affair about 5 yrs ago. Never told him, hoped it would never come out. Well I told him about a week after he told me what he did. He had a huge amount of quilt for what he did. So I decided it was time for me to own up to my mistakes also. We have been to cousneling and just recently released by our counselor. Does hubby desire a man? He says no, not in a sense of the touchy feely love stuff. His brother is gay, and DH has no desire to live with a man or be sensual with one. He had put anal sex on a to try list. He never felt open enough with me to tell me this was something he wanted to try. That men and women were not meant to have sex in that way (well neither were man2man), but he was afraid to ask me. For fear of being called gay, of me walking away. Well, he learned the hard way that he should have come to me in the 1st place. the past few months have been hell. BUT, we are still together, we have sex, and we are making this work one day at a time. The counselor said we both committed crimes outside the marriage. The gender didn't matter. We each had to learn to trust the other again. Yes, there were times I wondered is he thinking about about being with a man, and he was thinking the same (maybe we could share!ha ha!). I know alot of you would have walked away. But, I have more than just myself to think about. We have 2 kids under 12, and I could not make it on my own fincially, but more importantly I still loved him and he loved me. After he say all the pain he has caused he said he would never do it again. He really thought I would be more accepting since I accepted his brother being gay (which by the way his partner just tested HIV+), so this has alos put a lot of things into perspective for DH. So since all of this life has changed. Sex has gotten better in some ways. He now knows that I am willing to satsify him in other ways(wink wink) and he knows some secrets about me (I had oral sex with a girl when I was about 13....not forced, we were just seeing how things felt). I had never told anyone that before. It has helped him understand that he is not a bad person for what he did or how he felt. Being gay, bi, or straight is never easy. There is always someone who wants to ridicule you for some choice in your life. Some co-workers found out what DH did and they are "bashing" me for staying, calling DH names, etc....and it hurts, only added to the pain I already had. Above it all I love him and do not blame him for how he feels, I do blame him for his actions, just like I blame me for my affair. Can we be true to each other? Yes. There are no quarantees in life, maybe one day he will decide he needs to be with a man again, maybe I will decide to try a woman again, but hopefully we will come to each other first. We are all human, we all make mistakes, and you make the choices in your life that will either make you happy or miserable. So, please don't bash your partner if you think he/she is gay or bi. Just make them understand they can talk to you. If you really love them you will sit and listen. It doesn't mean you have to accept it and stay in the relationship. But you still have to be human and give another human a chance. Ask any person who is gay/bi how hard it is to come out to a loved one. The fear of rejection torments them. I believe that a person is born straight/gay/bi. Why would anyone choose to be riciculed all their life. If you knew my brother in law, you would understand this. No one says you have to like a person's sexual choice. Gay/straight/bi doesn't make you a bad person.....look how many murders we have that are straight....how many gay murderers have you ever heard of! But supposedly under God's love you can kill your wife and children and are forgiven if you ask, but a gay person get that same love? Most true Christians will tell you yes, we are all sinners, one sin is not different than another. God is the only one to judge. I am not a holy roller. I am not even baptized. Last time I was in for a church service was 1991 ......maybe...and many times over my life I have questioned God and whether or not he even exists in a world that can be so harsh and sad.....but then I look at my children when they play with their daddy, and the excitement in their eyes when he comes home from work.....and I remember when they were in my tummy and how excited my Dh was to watch our children come into the world....the 2 things we seem to have done right........and I know there is God .....and so if God can forgive, why can't I. My husband his the son of a Baptist preacher, and my Father in law still loves his gay son. He accepts him and his son's partner. He doesn't like his choice, but he is still his child, and his heart tells him to love him unconditionally. Sorry this got so long,and maybe even rambled on a bit(it's 3 am here)I just wanted everyone to know that if you discover your partner is gay/bi it's not the end of life. Yes you hurt, and you and your partner will have many choices ahead of you. But you will go on and you will probably be a better person. I have become much more understanding of other people. The phrase " don;t judge until you walk in my shoes" comes into mind. Life is a box of chocolates, you never know what you'll get. Peace to you all at this trying times in our lives.

Michelle

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-03-2003 - 6:44am
What a warm and sincere post! You must be a very accepting and caring person. Thank you so much for putting so much humanity into what you wrote - so often we tie ourselves in mental knots, your post was so different from all that. Glad you were in my "box of chocolates" today...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-03-2003 - 1:31pm
You are welcome. A few months ago I didn't feel this good about my life. Then I started thinking life wasn't so bad. For the 1st time ever I made a monetary donation (over $10) to children's hospital reently. As I listened to the parents talk I realize my life was not so bad. That at this moment MY children were healthy, I had food on the table, and a bed to sleep in. I also had a husband who loved me and his kids. His mistakes were just that, mistakes.....and they needed to be a part of our past. He has never, ever once brought up my affair. Even when I was calling him names for what he did, throwing things, and packing his bags.....he just took it all and NEVER mentioned what I did. I have learned life goes on whether you have a good day or a really bad one. The world doesn't stop, but it will get better, maybe not today or tomorrow, but in time it will. We still hvae issues, but nothing like we did. I haven't cried in weeks. I still wonder what he's doing when we are not together. I don't own him and I have to trust that he will make the right choices. We love each other and we will make it through this together.

Michelle

Avatar for ladyroberts
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-03-2003 - 2:16pm
The feelings are the same when you catch them in an affair with another woman. I worried everytime my ex went out after his first affair. I always knew he was meeting someone else, you eventually will get the trust back. It takes years but it can be done. I wish you the best of luck.

LR

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