Would you have listened?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2009
Would you have listened?
34
Sun, 02-12-2012 - 3:01pm

I've been reading some older posts and how much they do or do not differ from my own situation. So many people come here and ask for advice on whether they should stay or leave their current partner whose sex drive does not match their own, or how they can learn to not mind the gap.

So my question is, assuming you didn't have any new knowledge of your situation (you only knew then what you knew then) if someone had told you at the beginning of your relationship that your sex life would become a terrible source of conflict between you and your spouse, could you have been convinced to leave before you got married (or became committed)?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2009
Sun, 02-12-2012 - 6:40pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2009
Sun, 02-12-2012 - 9:00pm

"So, is the moral of the story that we're wasting our breath giving others advice?"

I really would like to spare people, HL women in relationships with LL men in particular, the pain of all the rejection and sexual frustration. When people come here looking for advice, it feels cruel not to light a signal fire to warn them off the rocks. But I don't think I would have listened either. We know what we know when we know it.

So are we wasting our time? Well, at the very least, we're taking away plausible deniability. They will at least have been warned. Not up to us to make them heed the warning.

I want to say it will change how I respond to queries here but i know myself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Mon, 02-13-2012 - 4:24am

"we're wasting our breath giving others advice?"

I know we've gone round quite a few times how to spot characteristics which would mean mismatch to avoid the pain (either things we might have spotted initially

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Mon, 02-13-2012 - 10:25am

Here's the but though, I'd probably figure I could avoid the wasted time (this is likely true) and sort it out earlier.

I did catch it early on in my relationship and this board has helped me tremendously to deal with the issue.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011
Mon, 02-13-2012 - 10:29am

I don't know that anyone "in love" would be inclined to listen to advice and actually act on it. But hopefully, we learn from our experiences. I know good sex was a non negotiable for me after my marriage. But if anyone had told me before that I would feel this way, I would have told them they were crazy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Mon, 02-13-2012 - 10:36am
I think if someone is disturbed enough by ML to come here and post about it they just MIGHT be willing to heed our advice. Or at least take it into account going forward. I think our comments here DO make a difference, we just don't know WHAT that difference may be (as is so often the case.)
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011
Mon, 02-13-2012 - 10:42am

on these boards, yes, as it is people who recognize the disparity and are looking for ideas/suggestions to make their lives better.

But the original scnario was about NOT knowing what we know now. and that is difference, IMO

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Mon, 02-13-2012 - 10:50am
But the new people who come here and post on these boards DON'T know what we know now. That's what I was referring to. I'd have never in a million years expected my sex drive to take a header into an empty olympic sized pool from the 10 meter platform. (resulting in said drive being in what appears to be a perpetual vegetative state.) In spite of the fact that it tailed off some in other committed relationships, I hadn't noticed the pattern at that point. And then there are all the other factors that contributed to my LL, and well, there you go. As a matter of fact, my DH had indicated to me early on in the relationship that he would be incredibly rigid and unforgiving in the event of a lack of desire scenario. I was so hot for him, and so interested in sex I just didn't think it'd be an issue, and I thought he was exaggerating (sp?) the level of his negative response. Silly me, when someone tells you who they are....LISTEN to them!
Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Mon, 02-13-2012 - 11:03am
>>>>> As a matter of fact, my DH had indicated to me early on in the relationship that he would be incredibly rigid and unforgiving in the event of a lack of desire scenario. I was so hot for him, and so interested in sex I just didn't think it'd be an issue, and I thought he was exaggerating (sp?) the level of his negative response. Silly me, when someone tells you who they are....LISTEN to them! <<<<<

This is a very important point. Mrs. Hold probably figured I was such a "nice" guy, no way that I would be so rigid and unforgiving about lack of sex. I don't think she believed me until years later, when she saw it for herself. As you say, when your partner tells you who they are, listen to them.

Of course, in our case, as in yours, listening might have meant separating. Which neither of us wanted. So it gets back to harmless bunny's point. Even if we had each been more forceful in expressing how deeply ingrained out feelings were. Would the other person have listened?

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011
Mon, 02-13-2012 - 11:15am

I tihnk by the time people come to this board, they have acknowledged a problem and are looking for advice, vs someone who doesn;t see what a problem it can become. And the harsh reality is, seperation is something alot of us with kids and even affection or companionship don;t want to consider. That was not my experience, but I still can;t say that I would have listened to anyone who told me my future ex would be an abusive alcoholic in a few short years

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