Would you see a sex therapist together?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2008
Would you see a sex therapist together?
17
Mon, 04-11-2011 - 1:17pm

Dh says he's so very unsatisfied with our sex life. I thought things were doing pretty well. Once a week and I usually enjoy it. He's not enjoying it. He feels it's not as great as it should be. He's so unhappy that he walks around grumpy and angry most of the time.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Mon, 04-11-2011 - 1:27pm
I would go in a heartbeat, if the nearest available one wasn't an hour away and only had weekday business hours. I cannot afford to pay out of pocket, plus miss 1/2 day of work each visit.

What is it you think this therapist is going to do to you that would harm you?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2008
Mon, 04-11-2011 - 1:41pm
I'm worried that all the blame will be dumped on me. On the other hand, what if it really helps and I'll wish I had gone earlier.

Regardless, I'm going to go because dh has been depressed about this for many years.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Mon, 04-11-2011 - 1:56pm
>>I'm worried that all the blame will be dumped on me. On the other hand, what if it really helps and I'll wish I had gone earlier.<<

No certified therapist of any kind who is worth a crap will put all the blame on ONE person in a relationship. It defeats the purpose of what the therapist is trying to accomplish to do that. The goal of couple's therapy is to get the couple closer TOGETHER, not drive a wedge further between them.

I hope it works out for you, and I am sure it won't hurt anything, because at least your DH will know you were willing to try anything to make things better between you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2008
Mon, 04-11-2011 - 2:05pm
I hope you're right. My own parents were divorced when I was 3, and there was lots of fighting before that. I don't really know how to be "happily married". So perhaps I could use some guidelines.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Mon, 04-11-2011 - 3:09pm

Have any of you been? Would you consider going?

We didn't use a therapist, and I would have been very tentative as a guy because I perceive that a fair proportion of them are biased.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Mon, 04-11-2011 - 3:12pm

My own parents were divorced when I was 3, and there was lots of fighting before that. I don't really know how to be "happily married". So perhaps I could use some guidelines.

Hmm, ya think? :smileywink:

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2007
Mon, 04-11-2011 - 5:25pm

I thought things were doing pretty well. Once a week and I usually enjoy it. He's not enjoying it. He feels it's not as great as it should be.

Pretty well?

Usually enjoy?

These aren't the words of great sex.

Good distraction frees us from emotional pain, bad distraction gives you a mouth full of whizz. ~~~ Guru Tugginmypudha
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Tue, 04-12-2011 - 5:19am

...yes, yes, yes...if one doesn't "agree" or 'understand" or "feels bullied or blamed" one should SPEAK UP...I wish that everyone would keep in mind that regardless of the two or three degrees on the wall, the therapist is providing a service that "you" are paying for...whether straight up or through a co-pay, whatever...the therapist is NOT doing you a favor....

...to the OP...what has happened?...has this (your sex life and discussion of it) truly esscalated from "I thought we were doing pretty good" to "we need to see a therapist"?...how has your husband voiced his unhappiness with you prior to this?...what clues led you to "we were doing pretty good" (not an exact quote, I know)???....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Tue, 04-12-2011 - 4:36pm
We went twice, several years apart. Most of them will talk about your feelings toward sex during the sesions and then have you do exercises together when you go home. The starting exercises do not involve actual sex. More like giving each other massages (first clothed, then naked, but no touching "naughty bits"). Sitting opposite each other naked and just looking at each other's bodies. Talking about what you like and don't like. It should be several sessions before you are asked to try anything new that involves touching the other person's "naughty bits".

If the woman is uncomfortable with her body in general, the therapist might ask her to sit in front of a mirror and compliment herself. If a woman likes her body but is uncomfortable with sex, the therapist might ask her to sit in front of a mirror and compliment (or maybe draw a picture) of her private parts. Women might also be asked to do Kegel exercises between sessions.

If the man has performance issues, the therapist might suggest exercises for him. Kegels. Start and stop. Breathing exercises. A man who is unhappy with his body might be given similar suggestions about admiring and complimenting himself.

I know what you mean about therapists making it worse. The idea is not to dwell on WHY you have issues but rather focus on learning new behaviors that help you overcome your issues. If you ask the sex therapist whether they understand the concept of cognitive behavioral therapy, and whether they apply those principles, I think you can avoid getting drawn into a quagmire.

Good luck!

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2008
Wed, 04-13-2011 - 6:17am

How did this happen? In high school, I couldn't be contained and sex was always a big temptation. Now I might be doing some exercises with massages and no "naughty bit" touching, just to get into sex? Oh boy.

From reading all these posts, I think my problem is I'm not doing enough of what dh needs to enjoy sex. I don't do oral long enough - but that's really tiring. I'm not keen on trying new things and really how many things are there to try. I won't try anything that might hurt.

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