WOW.....just....WOW

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
WOW.....just....WOW
18
Mon, 05-10-2010 - 11:46am

Well, we had a very civilized and adult conversation about our relationship this weekend. He explained that he’s tired of fighting especially of fighting about sex, and he’d rather live as “roommates” and masturbate than fight with me anymore. (WOW) I explained that I believe there is a great deal about our relationship that makes us more than roommates, without even considering the sexual aspects, but that I understood that was how he felt and that I was sorry he feels that way. He did point out to me that it has been almost 2 months since we’ve had sex (I was a little surprised, but haven’t been keeping track.) He said that it just showed how unimportant it was to me, and how not on my radar sex is, that I haven’t noticed or cared. I told him it wasn’t entirely true, and that I HAD thought of sex during that time, but that it doesn’t stay in the front of my mind long enough to get acted on. I did not discuss the fact that I am sort of afraid to initiate because I know it might cause a fight or discussion that I don’t really want to have.

Since having the conversation, he’s gone back to some (not as many, and not as aggressive) displays of affection, and has taken down the pillow “wall” in the bed. Now if I can work out how we can have some sex (because I’d really like to have some, just not every damn night.) I will feel like we are approaching perfection (for me.)

He doesn’t seem hugely distressed by any of this, he’s calm, but maybe a little sad (not hugely, in my book, but I’m not inside his head.) I haven’t said much during these discussion just prompted him for information, said I was sorry he felt that way, etc. I’m processing and deciding what my next step will be.

I didn’t want to be reactionary, we’ve seen where that gets me. I’m being kind, calm, and loving. I think this might make us able to turn a corner, if I can just bring myself to talk to him about what I’d like to see happen and how we might find a middle ground that’s not as extreme as the spot he’s standing now.

This is unexpected, but in a lot of ways I’m delighted.

roo and snowy siggie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2007
Mon, 05-10-2010 - 12:15pm

Me, Myself, I wouldnt be delighted about the ground you are standing on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Mon, 05-10-2010 - 12:29pm

LOL, you are a little confused, but that's because (yet again) I haven't been posting what has been going WELL, only the negatives.

Since we started with me being more assertive about what I need in regards to my time, he's been doing better. He's doing more projects on his own, leaving me more time to do what I need to do. This weekend, we did a LOT of errands on Saturday, then came home had dinner, I washed clothes in the am, and a few more when we got home. That was IT for the day. On Sunday we did a yard project that we didn't even start till 1. It was finished by 5, I had made it clear I still needed to fold laundry and iron clothes before we went in the yard. When the project was done I helped put up some supplies, he said "why don't you go in and start your stuff, I'll finish this and do a couple of other things that we've talked about." So that's what I did, then I made dinner, we ate, and I just watched tv for the rest of the evening. Additionally no project we have worked on in the last 2 weeks has resulted in any criticism or arguments!!!

He's going to work on some housecleaning today (YES! He's going to omg CLEAN HOUSE!) since he's having a model in to shoot (he's a photographer) later this week. Tonight when I get home I will file some papers, make dinner, and maybe clean a bathroom.

Overall it seems like he's had an attitudinal shift. He is no longer interested in arguing in any way. He is going out of his way to be respectful and thinking about what I need to do instead of just what he wants to do. He's not being punitive in any way, there's no scent of "so there" in anything he's doing. It doesn't feel passive/aggressive or anything. I've been wondering if he's been reading my posts here or something, because it's sort of eerie how he's just doing what I wanted him to do all along.

THAT'S why I'm pleased. He's not grabbing, poking, pinching, etc. He's not criticising or picking fights. He's acting like a human being. It's a refreshing change.

roo and snowy siggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Mon, 05-10-2010 - 2:14pm

Wait, there's more. He has lost a check from his mother to pay an attorney for some work we had done. He called me, he's frantic. He didn't even BLAME ME for it being lost. He didn't blame the state of our housekeeping, or all the mail piled on the kitchen table, he's just looking for it and wants to know if I've seen it.

The answer is "no." I was not even aware that this check existed, so I haven't seen it. How could I possibly see it on that mess he calls a desk, or in that sea of flotsam that covers our kitchen table?

He asked about the papers on my desk (a little over a week's worth of filing that I did not get to this weekend.) There were the rumblings of a fight (he thinks those papers have been there for weeks, I know better.) I stopped, took a breath, and said, "look I don't want to fight about this." He said he didn't either, we moved on.

Something has changed, and I like it.

roo and snowy siggie
Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Mon, 05-10-2010 - 3:24pm
Wonderful to hear.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2010
Mon, 05-10-2010 - 6:03pm
I'm glad you feel this is a positive change but be careful that there isn't a hidden agenda. When I decided it was over with my husband, I too became very reasonable. We never fight now. This last winter he did not work at all but he did no housekeeping either. I never said a word. I did all the work although I have two jobs. He is thinking life is grand. But in reality, I had a three year affair. I no longer feel my husband is a friend, lover, or partner. He merely is someone I love enough to care for as his health continues to deteriorate. We are certainly not getting any closer. In fact every day of my life, I think about leaving him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 6:14am

Well, as Hold says, enjoy the respite.


Yet I'm feeling a bit uneasy here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2002
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 9:36am

Hmm
Missed this entire thread an posted on the other one.

TWO MONTHS?!?!

I'd be pissed as all hell and you would see some serious passive aggressive as well as some coming home late with a couple of "none of your business replies"

Sorry got to tell it like i see it.

Dirty

Where there's marriage without love, there will be love without marriage. Benjamin Franklin
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 9:52am

I understand what you are saying, and in some ways I agree. Here's the thing though. He hasn't initiated in those two months at all. I haven't rejected him, just haven't started anything either. I'm working on it, thinking about it, trying to figure out how to best address the whole thing. Taking in all the input and trying to find a way to something better.

roo and snowy siggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 9:58am

There's no reason whatsoever for him to have an affair, because we have an open relationship. If he wants to have sex with someone else, he just tells me so and does it. I'm not concerned about that in the slightest.

>> I no longer feel my husband is a friend, lover, or partner. He merely is someone I love enough to care for as his health continues to deteriorate. We are certainly not getting any closer. In fact every day of my life, I think about leaving him.<<

I don't think we are headed here either, since he is continuing to seek out a high level of engagement with me, just not sexual engagement. In addition, he brought up us getting married again yesterday, (we aren't married, have been together over 14 years, have not gotten married because he would lose health benefits that I cannot afford to replace.) We reached our usual conclusion about that, and moved the discussion elsewhere.

roo and snowy siggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 10:03am

I'm not going to say I'm not uneasy, because I am in some ways, but in others this is such a welcome relief, his being totally uninterested in criticizing me or fighting with me, I feel almost joyous about it. I intend to have further discussion about our sexual relationship soon. I plan to tell him that I do want to have sex with him, (perhaps 2 or 3 times a week) but that I cannot live up to his previous each-and-every-day-for-at-least-an-hour standards. I plan to offer him a compromise (which I have before, but he's declined) and see if this new attitude applies to compromise as much as it does a moratorium on fighting. If he is not interested in my offer, I will ask him if we can open the relationship up in both ways (instead of the one-way it has been in the past.)

I'm a little scared, but still hopeful.

roo and snowy siggie

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