As you sow....

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
As you sow....
13
Mon, 07-18-2011 - 7:12am

DW's mother is terminally ill.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
In reply to: mol42
Mon, 07-18-2011 - 5:21pm

...welll since I was young, inexperienced, uneducated, and selfish during my first marriage, I would have thought something like..."are you telling me that I can't count on you to be emotionally supportive of me because I don't have all of the sex with you that you want me to?"...that's an honest answer...I didn't deny my first husband of sex...I had sex with him 2-3 times a week (every other day-ish)...but, it was no where near the type of sex that I have with my husband now)...so, I would have not understood that a lack of all of the sex he wanted would mean he would not support me emotionally during a death/illness of a parent...

I am so sorry about your mother-in-law...my thoughts are with you and your wife...

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
In reply to: mol42
Mon, 07-18-2011 - 6:53pm
I imagine most of the LLs expect that their HL partner will be "properly" supportive, and would be shocked that the HL might be so "shallow" and "immature" as to deprive the LL of the emotional support to which they are entitled. After all, any LL who felt otherwise probably has already taken steps to compromise on the ML.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
In reply to: mol42
Tue, 07-19-2011 - 5:50am

Thanks Z and Hold, perhaps it does illustrate the gulf in understanding or empathy that exascerbates the problem.

Of course, I would like to think I'd be generous regardless (and not "shallow and immature") - but could not guarantee that, given my feelings in the bad-old-days.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
In reply to: mol42
Tue, 07-19-2011 - 6:14am

...maybe you could give us your idea as to why it's rocket science...you've written here that you feel you were part of the "bad old days" as was your wife...unless "your part" falls along the "I let her get away with being bad to me" line......what was your part?...why did you engage (or not) that way?...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
In reply to: mol42
Tue, 07-19-2011 - 6:26am

Oh, it's not rocket

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
In reply to: mol42
Tue, 07-19-2011 - 5:58pm

...but she has?...delivered, I mean...Mol, what I wish for you is that you no longer allow yourself to post about how hard it was, how easy it would have been for her to be a better negotiator...(because you don't know that...you are viewing it through your scope of what you think should have been or should not have been for her...and, you can't...sorry, you just can't....)...stop going "there" and move forward...I mean, understandably, you have a lot to offer to people posting here...to both LL and HL...but, I think you should frame your thoughts this way..."I wish that it would have been different...I wish that we both would have handled it differently, but we didn't and it wasn't easy...and, I can't make it different...but, I can do my part to make sure the 'we" don't get back there and my part is the only part I have control of, but if I continue to stay back where I wish it had been different or back where I go over what she should have done, how quickly she should have done it,, and how she shouldn't have had to do anything at all as she should have been more giving and understanding all along, I will do my part to ruin whatever progress we have made"....I'm serious, I think you should say this over and over and over (in your words that actually describe your feeling about the past) and then, I think you should bury it...or, you need to come up with a list of what she still isn't doing that is adding to your mistrust...because I think that might be where "we" are...either you aren't working hard enough to move on or she isn't working as hard as your write here (or, maybe her efforts just aren't enough for you, however hard she has been working)....mind you, I am NOT

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
In reply to: mol42
Wed, 07-20-2011 - 5:43am

Thank you so much Z for your concern and suggestions.

I'm aware of the issue of backward and distorted focus and I suppose I'm aiming to purge the last of the bile!

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
In reply to: mol42
Wed, 07-20-2011 - 10:18am
I agree with Z. Every time you find your mind drawn back there, tell your mind to stop it. Focus on today. Revel in today being good enough. Count your blessings. And do not allow yourself to contemplate for one second whether the scales are balanced. That way lies ruin.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
In reply to: mol42
Wed, 07-20-2011 - 10:26am

Thanks Hold.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2009
In reply to: mol42
Thu, 07-21-2011 - 9:43am





Pages