I don't even really care about the porn itself

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
I don't even really care about the porn itself
90
Mon, 11-22-2010 - 1:24pm

I found out this morning that he has been lying to me for almost six years.

I'm a systems administrator. I'm not an idiot when it comes to computers. He gave me his failing hard drive so that I could bring it in to work to save his data, and that's when I found all the porn. I wasn't even looking for it, it was just under his "downloads" directory. He had told me in the past he doesn't need to look at porn because he was happy with us and felt "disgusted" by porn and by guys in relationships who did it anyway. I knew he had looked at it in the past and I really didn't care. But somehow he made me feel special by going out of his way to tell me that he didn't need or want it. Now that he's caught, he thinks he has a problem. In our six years together, he never so much as did a Google search for "porn addiction". He has a first therapy appointment coming up on Wednesday that he made for "depression" which I believe he has, but he has made no effort to get real help for his "addiction" (as he sees it). Now I'm supposed to believe that he'll "quit cold turkey" and that he hasn't told me about it because he didn't want to admit he had a problem. Apparently this is the reason he's late for work every morning, this is why he didn't answer his cell phone a few months ago when I called him to pick me up because I had burned my leg badly with boiling water at work. He does it all the time when I'm not around and lies about having done other things instead.

I don't care much about the porn itself, but he lied to me for a really, really long time. I'm an honest person who is open about who I am, and he intended to keep a big part of himself closed off to me. I shared some very personal serious problems with him and I thought I was a safe person to be open to. He feels awful, wants to change (now), tried to quit in the past but wasn't able to, feels ashamed, embarrassed, like a scumbag, etc...

I just can't deal with having been lied to for so long. If he had a problem he could have told me. I've been through addiction before. He just wanted to continue indefinitely, hoping I'd never find out.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2007

I'm sorry this happened to you

We don't always agree, but I was really happy for your relationship when you talked about it

Good distraction frees us from emotional pain, bad distraction gives you a mouth full of whizz. ~~~ Guru Tugginmypudha
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009

It's been a very happy relationship overall. We had a trust issue this summer (my fault) and had been working past it. We had gotten to a really good place. We usually communicate very well and take care of one another above ourselves.

"Do you think it would be helpful to go over the answers he gave, now that you have the new information? Does he know you know?"

I don't think it would help. We spoke about it today (unfortunately via chat as we are both at work), and he is "saying all the right things". I am wary of people whose apologies sound too perfect. He is sincerely sorry but I think he's just sorry he got caught. If he intended to change this "bad habit" (as he calls it), he would have done so in the six years we've been together. Instead, he made a conscious decision every single time to do it behind my back, lie about it, and keep it a secret.

He's sincerely sorry NOW, I'm sure, and he lied about it so he wouldn't hurt me (I've just become the 200th billion customer of THAT line), and *now* he is going to bring it up with the therapist, but for me it's too late. I made an effort to be a genuine person to him, faults and all, and not only did he hide this secret from me, he made no effort to change.

"What does he really think of porn, not what he's supposed to think. Does he really believe he has a problem, or again just what people say."

I think he really believes he has a problem, but as I said to him earlier.. It wasn't really a problem until it hurt me. He agrees. He's a complete idiot.

"I would want to know how it got to this bad of a place, before I tried to decide what to do about it all."

I agree. He says it has nothing to do with me. I can see why he'd say that and it's possibly true at this issue's core (I believe it has to do with having a VERY stifled childhood and parents he has never really been emotionally honest with), but it's a really long time to intentionally lie to someone. He took away my choice to be involved with someone with this addiction. He says he was afraid I would leave him...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2009
Over the years I've found that are 3 types of guys in the world, 1 that uses erotica openly, 2 the guys that use it but, hide it from the wife/SO as to avoid "hurting" them....kind of chicken-S*it behavior..... as you've found it is damaging when it comes out.....some may have a problem with it....but most simply followed the path of least resistance....kind of similar to the Madonna/whore complex except it's about the guy...3 the small group that has no interest...yet they also seem to have little interest in sex over-all.

IMHO you need to find out why he felt he had to hide this aspect of his personality from you......and how he justified lying to you for so long....that might be an interesting answer as it could apply to other unpleasant truths.

If you want to work this out, you may need to put your justified anger on the back-burner for a while till you handle the causes....as anger just seems to make him follow a script aimed at placating you. He seems ready to jump on any perceived "hand-Grenade" to save the R...but if it's not the truth why go through the Charade?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009

Thanks for responding, trey. I sincerely appreciate it.

Right now this information is very new and I'm having trouble getting past my anger. Although I feel the need to get some constructive advice and input here, I admit that I am not really ready to approach this situation constructively with him. I need some time and honestly, I'm interested to hear what the therapist has to say on Wednesday. So I'm going to take a couple of days to process before I approach him.

I agree very much with the notion that he seems as though he is following a script in order to placate me, and I told him that. He says he understands my hesitation to take him seriously but that he is sincere. Right now, I don't really care. I just want to be away from him.

Considering the fact that this is a relationship that has brought me so much happiness, I'm willing to give this some time to think about, but I suspect I'll ultimately decide that this is too long a period of time to lie to me with no intention of changing (either the behavior or the dishonesty).

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2007

Argh, the computer ate my answer

Good distraction frees us from emotional pain, bad distraction gives you a mouth full of whizz. ~~~ Guru Tugginmypudha
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009

"Either he explains the lying & his reasoning, or calling it an Addiction is still just a cover for the real answer."

His explanation today was "I lied about it so you wouldn't be hurt and because I wasn't admitting I had a problem". They may be BS answers, they may not. I don't know. I don't like them.

"What will it take for him to tell you what it was that drove him to it?"

From what I know, he's done it since he was a teenager. Do you mean the porn habit or the lying? I'm not sure I (or he) can explain the habit itself. Perhaps it started out innocuously but became something he couldn't manage anymore. Maybe therapy will show him why.

"Is there any point along the way he questioned himself?"

This is an important question... I don't think I have a great answer, but he did say there were points when he tried to quit and was able for "months" at a time, but went back to it. When the time is right, I will ask that question. I agree with you on the introspectiveness... Knowing there is a point to your behavior puts you in control of your life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2009
Still in some ways it's the "nice Guy" / sleaze dichotomy. He found it important for you to see him as the "nice Guy"...even if his erotica usage he felt would mark him to you as the "sleaze" . From reading these boards I think it is a pretty commonly occurring problem.....and it turned into a fubar situation...the very last thing he wanted. He was dead wrong for not being honest with you from the start.....But I'm pretty sure at the time he was trying to protect you that aspect of the normal male personality that many women find threatening.....he's wired to look at a wide variety of fertile women.....Erotica is quite enjoyable ...... And he's probably hidden his usage since he got caught with it in his early teen years by a parent....it's become a secretive pleasure. It's very sad that this will most likely blow-up what was a good relationship for both of you. Only you know where your hard boundary lines are in a relationship, but if it is a bridge to far, try and avoid letting this poison all the good that came out of the relationship. It will only damage you deeper and limit your ability to more on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009

I don't buy the nice guy/sleaze thing here. We've been together almost six years, he knows I don't care about porn and that I've watched it myself, and I've never chastised him for anything like this. He's known this from the very beginning. I completely understand porn, you don't need to give me the "he's wired this way" thing - I get it, I really do. Men aren't the only ones who enjoy variety. I've even said that porn doesn't bother me, it's the title of my post. What bothers me is the SIX YEARS OF LYING. Six years of making up stories and very meticulously clearing his browsing history constantly. Leaving the torrent history there was a stupid mistake, something he overlooked when he thought he had every trace deleted.

I've done everything I can to be a person worth trusting and who wouldn't judge him. I've genuinely been that person. If he's afraid of my reaction, then that's his own damn fault, and he's had SIX YEARS to come to terms with this without making an ounce of effort. If he came to me and was honest that he had a problem with porn, or even that he watched it occasionally, that would be one thing. In the past I've even asked to share it together and he nixed that.

I am mostly pissed off because I don't think I did anything wrong... He fostered an addiction and calculated its secrecy for a very long time. I don't buy that he honestly thought porn would "hurt" me. I just am not buying any of it. It's BS. When something doesn't make sense, it's not true.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2009
Never said or suggested you did anything wrong......He screwed up and has to own it. I just hoped to give a possible insight that I have heard /read over the years.....
He may have developed these issues years before you....previous relationships/childhood. ..he may have seen it as failing the standards he set for himself in a relationship.

As for not making sense.....is that not the human condition? Humans are not rational we're rationalizing.

I'm sorry about your pain...it is unfair you have to go through this
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009

Hey, I'm sorry if my last post to you sounded flippant. I didn't intend to come across that way but reading it over it sounds a little snippy. I apologize for that tone.

I believe that if this really is a deeply-rooted issue for him, a large part of that is due to his parents. Especially his mom. Neither of them even had "the talk" with him. When he stayed over my apartment when we first started dating, she didn't want to believe we might be having sex. He was 23... His last and only girlfriend flipped out if he even suggested another girl might be attractive. I don't think I was exactly set up for success in this area. I agree that he probably has these factors working against him that might make him instinctively secretive. But if this is really an "addiction" like he says, the secrecy about it becomes more serious.

You're right, humans are not rational emotionally. Instincts are not intellectual. I'm just saying his story sounds like the kind of BS I would make up if I were in his position and I didn't want to say "yeah I just really like porn and I hid it from you to make my own life easier".

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