Not sure what to do. Porn and Lies in marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2013
Not sure what to do. Porn and Lies in marriage.
6
Mon, 09-16-2013 - 2:49pm

  I have been with my husband for 12 years, married for 3. We had a fight over a very very small issue. We did not speak for over 2 weeks. We even misses our anniversary because we were not speaking. Well he was at work and i wanted to see what he had been doing on the PS3 ( i had to sleep outside in my car since he locked the bedroom door. We have a full house so no room to sleep inside. ) I found Porn movies that he had been watching. I wanted to check his computer and found more. We talked about porn many years ago, and both agreed not to watch, I also got rid of everything i had when he moved in. I dont care to watch porm with him anymore because i was raped and it makes me feel awful to see him wanting another woman. I confronted him about what i found and he denied it all, said it must have been someone eles in the house. Nobody eles comes into our bedroom! We fought pretty bad that day and wanted to leave i begged him to stay, which he did. I asked that night if we could make love, he laughed at me and said no. I found more hidden porn 2 days later and threw it awaywithout telling him. The day i took it, he wanted sex i told him no beacuse i was still hurt and felt like he was lying to me by not just admitting it was his. I am very depressed and stay out of the house as much as i can now, because he says "he is tired of my being sad BS". When i am away from him i think about how much i love him and want to be with him and i want to forgive him. When i am with him i cant help but being sad and feeling like he just cant be honest with me. It has been a week now and i cant stop feeling like that. He still denies watching any of it and says "magically appeared". He is 32 i am 31. We have always had fights about his lying, which he seems to do pretty often. I was in an accident that left me disabled, so he is the sole worker and holds it over my head. That its his money but he has never paid bills or managed the money i always have, before i was hurt i was the only worker for over 6 years. We have had so many problems and worked through it, this time i just cant seem to stop feeling awful. I got sick to my stomach when i think it. In the last week i lost 4 lbs since i found his porn, Is there any chance of this working? And am i wrong for feeling like this? He has always been verbally and emotionally abisuve, physical many years ago. I feel like im worthless to him, and that he cant love me if he always does things like this. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 09-16-2013 - 3:50pm

The looking at porn really seems to be a minor issue here.  what kind of person would allow their DW, esp. somneone who has a disability, to sleep outside in her car?  Also you say he's verbally & emotionally abusive and holds it over your head that you can't work & he earns the money.  Those are all major problems.  Looking at porn is pretty trivial compared to being emotionally abused.  FWIW on the porn issue, I think it's something that understandably is triggered by you having been raped and apparently still feeling the effect on that--but it has nothing to do w/ him wanting another woman.  A lot of people look at porn as something that's exciting to them, but it doesn't mean that they will cheat or want someone else in real life--the women in a magazine or on a computer aren't real women--it's not the same as a guy looking on a dating site to find an actual woman that he might meet up with.

I think you should start consulting someone to figure out how to get out of this bad relationship.  Do you have a social worker?  Are you receiving Social Security disability benefits?  Could you consult a center for battered women?  Even if you aren't physically being abused now, they could help you before it gets to that point.  You might not have been married long enough to receive alimony so you need to find out what your options are as far as finding housing you could afford, etc.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2013
Mon, 09-16-2013 - 9:50pm
Its not so much the porn itself its the lies about it. He just swore on his mother ( now passed away 15 years) that he was not looking at it. I think he did that so i could believe him. And we are not having sex, maybe once a year. After he swore he was not watching them he told me he wants a child. Due to my disability i cant have any kids. Before the accident we were prego many times. He did not want any of them going to the extent of saying they would be crack head. I did end up have many abortions. I am not proud of them and i am sorry i did. But now he wants kids???
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008

Agreed with Music that porn, and to a certain degree, lying about watching them or not watching them, are all minor.  Hope you would ask yourself WHY you are not talking to a divorce attorney already. 

Considering the home environment you described, it is a good thing that you cannot have children now.  Do you want to bring them to this miserable situation?   Your DH wants children now because it is a way he could further enslave you.  If you think it is difficult to leave now, try leaving, with a disability, and a few kiddos in tow.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Thu, 09-19-2013 - 12:22pm

I agree with the others. Although his porn viewing may hurt you, it seems like the least of your problems. And if you are only having sex once a year that no doubt explains why he is using porn to take care of his needs.You really can't expect a man to be happy with once a year sex.The way I see this is at least he's using the porn and not actually cheating with real live women. But I see much bigger problems here. Like why was he not working for over 6 years and letting you support him? If I understand this right, you supported him for over 6 years, and when you became disabled and could no longer support him, he finally went out and found a job. Also you say he is "verbally and emotionally abusive". When a woman stays with an abusive man (even if it's not physical) that abuse gradually chips away at a womans self esteem until she has little (if any) left. That is why you "feel worthless to him"  I think talking to a counselor would really help you see what's going on in your marriage. Sounds to me like now that your disabled you may feel stuck staying with him. And I would not even think of bringing a child into this mess if i were you. As another poster said, if you think it will be hard to leave with your disability, it will be much harder to leave with your disability and a baby or two in tow. Good Luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2013
Wed, 09-25-2013 - 8:10pm

First i was pretty sure it was in one of my posts. I DO NOT turn him down for sex. Us not having sex is 100% on him. He has no sex drive, atleast when it comes to me. I have begged him several times to have sex. I have dressed in his fav nightys and he still pushes me away. I would not expect someone to go several months and not want something, I would not do that to my husband. We have since trying to work it out, and still he says that my sex drive is to much for him. When we did have sex, i try to do things that he likes. If there is something he wants to do, i do it for him. So as far as sex, it is NOT my choice that we are not having it. Also yes there is a part of me that feels like everytime we try to talk about something he belittles me. My self esteem is non existance at this point. That would be another reason the porn bothers me. I  dont think i feel like im stuck with him. I do love my husband very much, I do want to work things out with him. But i do know it will take us both trying to work our problems out and it cant be one sided the way things have been for many years.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2013
Wed, 11-27-2013 - 10:25am

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