Ruining a relationship??

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2012
Ruining a relationship??
10
Mon, 11-26-2012 - 4:41pm

First off, I do NOT plan on leaving him. He is all around a great guy, minus this one issue.

We have a complicated history that stems a lot of trust issues. Things are getting better and we moved in together not too long ago (yay!). Things were going great until I was going to order a his favorite magazine for him as a suprise and found porn on his computer. I couldnt remember the name of the magazine so I went into his computer history (we have full permission to use eachothers things). I found lots of porn! We have sex daily and he knows that I do not like porn (issues stemming from past relationships create this problem, plus i find it disrespectful to the other person in the relationship). Seriously, if you are getting off multiple times daily, why would you watch porn?? He knows that I find it disrespectful and I hate it, yet he ignored my feelings and was getting off to it. After I talked with him about it, he said he wouldnt watch it anymore. I opened up his laptop (we share a lap top) and found a window that had anime porn on it! Wtf?! I honestly dont know what to do. Any suggestions? Am I wrong for feeling this way? I dont believe the whole "he's a guy thing" at all. Help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2004
Thu, 12-13-2012 - 11:46pm

All you can do is tell him how you feel about it and work it out together. Don't be accusatory toward him but do be hoenst about what is going on in your head and how the situation is making you feel. You aren't wrong to feel the way you do though.

Unfortunetly, alot of men like porn more then they like their real partners at times. Sometimes men want real sex and other times they want to pretend they are having sex with other women. Women are interchangable and even if a man has a wonderfully loving partner, she is never good enough for him. Other women are hotter, younger and better looking and that ultimately what most men want over anything else.  Which is why very few men can actually give up in porn even when getting regular sex.

Most have been looking at porn since they were young boys and have formed very strong bonds with it way before they actually learned how to have loving romantic relationships with real women. 

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Thu, 12-06-2012 - 11:36am

One post says you two are just dating, but the one on this board said you moved in not long ago.  They're both dated on the same day within 17 minutes of each other.

the follow up on the other board:

iVillage Member
Posts: 3
Registered: 11-26-2012
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 9:29am

We are dating. We have been for several months now. Thank you for your response though :)

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Thu, 12-06-2012 - 11:31am
iVillage Member
Posts: 3
Registered: 11-26-2012
Complications
8
Mon, 11-26-2012 - 4:58pm

So me and my SO have a very complicated past. We both became single after both being in long term relationships yet still pinning for each other, we got together. I asked him out, but we were living 2 hours away from eachother at the time and he was planning on moving in a month or so back to where I was. He said yes but we should wait until he moves down here. Perfect! Right??

I found out that he has an issue with the fact that he hasnt had a one night stand (honestly I dont see the big deal with one night stands. What do you accomplish by having one? To me, they are kinda gross...) and he decided to pursue two girls (after I asked him out and he said yes) before he moved. Those girls were both friends of his and nothing actually happened, but I am hurt by the idea that while I was paitiently waiting for him down here and talking to him daily (he never once mentioned anything about the other girls), he was chasing other women, trying to sleep with them. Now I dont 100% trust him, especially with girls that are close friends of his. Am I wrong for feeling this way? Other issues have come up in the past that creates even more trust issues, but how can I deal with these jealousy issues? Help! 

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Thu, 12-06-2012 - 11:30am
From your other post on the snooping board: ajsoeudmce131 iVillage Member Posts: 3 Registered: 11-26-2012 Send PM Complications 8 Mon, 11-26-2012 - 4:58pm So me and my SO have a very complicated past. We both became single after both being in long term relationships yet still pinning for each other, we got together. I asked him out, but we were living 2 hours away from eachother at the time and he was planning on moving in a month or so back to where I was. He said yes but we should wait until he moves down here. Perfect! Right?? I found out that he has an issue with the fact that he hasnt had a one night stand (honestly I dont see the big deal with one night stands. What do you accomplish by having one? To me, they are kinda gross...) and he decided to pursue two girls (after I asked him out and he said yes) before he moved. Those girls were both friends of his and nothing actually happened, but I am hurt by the idea that while I was paitiently waiting for him down here and talking to him daily (he never once mentioned anything about the other girls), he was chasing other women, trying to sleep with them. Now I dont 100% trust him, especially with girls that are close friends of his. Am I wrong for feeling this way? Other issues have come up in the past that creates even more trust issues, but how can I deal with these jealousy issues? Help!
Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Wed, 12-05-2012 - 9:21pm

ajsoeudmce131 wrote:
<p>First off, I do NOT plan on leaving him. He is all around a great guy, minus this one issue.</p><p>We have a complicated history that stems a lot of trust issues. Things are getting better and we moved in together not too long ago (yay!). Things were going great until I was going to order a his favorite magazine for him as a suprise and found porn on his computer. I couldnt remember the name of the magazine so I went into his computer history (we have full permission to use eachothers things). I found lots of porn! We have sex daily and he knows that I do not like porn (issues stemming from past relationships create this problem, plus i find it disrespectful to the other person in the relationship). Seriously, if you are getting off multiple times daily, why would you watch porn?? He knows that I find it disrespectful and I hate it, yet he ignored my feelings and was getting off to it. After I talked with him about it, he said he wouldnt watch it anymore. I opened up his laptop (we share a lap top) and found a window that had anime porn on it! Wtf?! I honestly dont know what to do. Any suggestions? Am I wrong for feeling this way? I dont believe the whole "he's a guy thing" at all. Help!</p>

Perhaps you need to adjust your beliefs if you want this particular guy in your life.

If you do not plan on leaving him, then you have to learn to tolerate his porn and not bring it up to him anymore--because he's going to keep on looking at it. That much he made clear to you.  So don't be surprised when you look on his computer and find it.  You two now have an understanding of one another and you see that he is going to proceed in a fashion that he chooses to. Either you get with that or you bounce; but you can't make a grown man do what he isn't inclined to do.

There is nothing you can say or do that is going to make him stop--he has to want that for himself and so far, he's not in that universe. He will tell you what you want to hear to get you off his back; if you harp on it, you will cause him to reconsider the wisdom in living with you.  Since you have his permission to look through his computers, then it's obvious he's not going to hide it. Therefore, what you need to do is curb your need to look and be proven right. Right now, you know you're right, so you need no more validation on that tip. 

I agree with Xxxs--you expect him to respect what you want, but you dont' seem to want to respect what he wants and clearly has been used to doing long before you decided to move in with him.  There is nothing in the world that's going to guarantee he's ever going to stop--not marriage, not children. Question is: can you live iwth that for the rest of your life? Can you live with who you have to become in order to have this man in your life, for the rest of your life?  That's what all this is about if your policy is that you do not plan on leaving him over this.

Him looking at porn and him having regular sex with you are non sequitur--that has nothing to do with you.  You'd have a problem if he stopped coming to you.  This may be one of those things you have to learn to tolerate because it's clear you're not going to get your way just because you're in his space.

From now on, if you dont' want to run into it, determine who uses the desktop and who uses the laptop and stick to that arrangement. It will keep you from 'inadvertently' coming across it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sat, 12-01-2012 - 4:26am
No you are NOT wrong for feeling this way. You have the right to feel the way you feel about this issue. But forbiding him to watch it will only cause him to resent you. Believe me he isn't going to stop but will just try to hide it from you better. So what you must decide is if its a deal breaker for you or not. And if your having sex EVERYDAY, multiple times a day and he's still looking at it, it's probably an addiction that he'll need professional help to overcome. Good Luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 11-28-2012 - 7:53pm

Watching or looking at porn really has nothing to do w/ the other person in the relationship and it doesn't mean the person has an unsatisfactory sex life w/ their partner.  It just means they like to look at porn.  Some couples even use it to enhance their sex life.  I don't see where it's disrespectful to you.  I do see that you have a difference of opinion on whether you want your BF to view it.  I don't really think it's fair for you to demand that he not look at it at all.  I would agree w/ the other person who said that if you don't like it, he should do it privately--but would that bother you if you thought he was doing it behind your back.  Not all men like porn (my exH, for example) so if it bothers you that much, you could break up and find a guy who isn't into it--you have to weigh what he is doing against all his other good qualities that you do like.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Wed, 11-28-2012 - 7:04pm
Hi welcome to the board. This is a two way street. Porn is something most men and many women like. It is in most cases something that delights the spirit. Erotic visions are part of human history. The problem can be surprise. Disrespect is a very tricky issue. It works both ways too. You also have a crises of respect. You expect respect but will you give respect. The best is to agree to disagree and perhaps not look at his porn collection and he won't do it in front of you. Making this a power issue is unwise. Many men will give in. However the resentment never leaves.

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2012
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 6:49pm

You say that you have a complicated history that stems with trust issues. Is his viewing porn going to affect your trust of him?

You don't like porn, but he does, is this going to be a relationship breaker?

Has he told you why he likes to watch porn?

You are entitled to your feelings and if you have good communication he should understand your feelings too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Mon, 11-26-2012 - 5:54pm

Beliefs are powerful things. They guide our thoughts, emotions, and actions. I doubt that you will ever change his beliefs regarding porn nor will he change yours. Lastly, should he be expected to respect your dislike of it anymore than you should respect his appreciation for it?

Tough questions.