14 year marriage going downhill-not sure what to do

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2000
14 year marriage going downhill-not sure what to do
19
Tue, 08-23-2011 - 10:44am

Hi everyone...My husband and I have always had a great marriage.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009

People don't quit addictions because it's part of a deal. You can't deal with addictions this way because addiction isn't logical. He's not smoking because he's untrustworthy or because he doesn't want to keep his promise... He is smoking because he is ADDICTED to cigarettes.

Your husband is pretty clearly depressed. But you're not going to fight his depression with logic ("you should take care of yourself or you'll die at a yong age") or emotions ("how could you do this to me/your daughter"). He needs to turn his life around because HE wants to.

It sounds like he is going through a crisis where he's feeling like an old man on medications hooked up to an awful machine at night. That must feel really dehumanizing. Maybe you should try to talk to him on his level, understanding that he's going through a difficult time in his life, rather than making it about you or your daugther or your worry for him. Please understand that what he's doing right now is rebelling against old age. That's a difficult thing to come to terms with, I imagine.

Just trying to offer another perspective in how you approach him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2000

I've repeatedly asked him if he was depressed and asked him to go to therapy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009

I never doubted for a second that you would have asked him to go into therapy...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

Well I guess you know that you can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do & nagging won't help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002

I would start with living for yourself.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2000

I actually am seeing a counselor for the loss of my parents.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008

Hi;

There must be something going on in your area?? Is there a library near there? There is always an activity going on at the library.what about the YMCA or any community center.. There has to be something to do somewhere.. What about planting a garden and you guys as a family tend to it...

What about at night taking you and dd for a walk .. Maybe hubby will go also.. Just tell him its two blocks at first and then go on to a few more blocks at a time.

Print out some articles on good health and give them to hubby to read.. Print out statistics

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2000

Here is the problem with our area:

Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001

I also agree that you don't stop smoking


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2000

Believe me, I know how powerful a nicotine addiction is.

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