2 more weeks

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2006
2 more weeks
14
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 2:43pm

All
Hi there. I posted here a few weeks ago. My ex of 6 months and I were very close and spent nearly all our time together. We are now on a break/break up. Neither of us know the difference. I suggested the break and we both agreed. One reason for the break is that for the last two months I live 3000 miles away and I was worried because he told me he didn't know when he would come visit again and was being overall very vague. He told me he didn't know what he wanted. We talked and talked and I made it clear his apprehension has left me confused.

So the break was clear and dropped me off at the airport. We have emailed only a few times since the 2nd week in August. He called me on my birthday this past weekend, sent me flowers, a few cards and he is having something made for me However, he hasn't initiated communication ONCE in the last 3 weeks but on my birthday. I'm dying to receive these cards but I'm afraid they are lost in the mail. They could be really significant / or not:|

I'm having a really hard time. I'm doing everything i can to keep my mind off it but it's soooo hard. We used to be in constant communication with sweet texts, calls, emails and now I feel so distant from him. I know there are only a couple weeks left thank god, but I'm so afraid because there is no plan for what we will do when I get back. He has confirmed the dates I'm back and he will be back in town at the same time . He hasn't told me he timed his return with me so I'm left guessing on that too. I've received little words from him I've mentioned on the phone call that I miss him to make it clear and he of course reciprocated the comment. I think it's all and all assumed by both of us that we will get together when I return but to what avail? I don't know? It seems like it will be very awkward and I will be super super nervous.

I would really like to start over when I return. Even if he is still unsure. I'm sure I will be unsure too. 6 months just wasn't that long. I think if he can agree to stop saying the few sort of insenstive things he has said in the past, I can accept that my expectations may have been a bit high.

i just don't know. I don't know what to do?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: gal_cara
Thu, 08-31-2006 - 1:29am
Cara, when you posted before you must have done so under a different name, you weren't any of the LDR (or soon-to-be LDR) posts I thought you might be. And since I couldn't find your name anywhere on the board, you must have posted under a different name.


It would be really helpful in answering your post to have your first post to tie it together with. Can you help? Thanks in advance!








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2006
In reply to: gal_cara
Thu, 08-31-2006 - 6:58am

Sorry, I've always posted under Cara. I just found this thread "Problem Solving..." and thought it was might be appropriate for this issue. I guess each thread has a separate audience? Below is my first post and I'm not sure how to tie it to this post...

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlanswerman&msg=16878.1&x=y

Any feedback would be helpful. It's been a few weeks since this post and there has been a bit of communication between he & I. Some really nice communication but not much at all. I am sad that the birthday cards are lost in the mail . I have some feelings of anger and sadness that I can't seem to resolve. I miss him a lot. And most importantly, I don't know how to handle things when I'm home.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: gal_cara
Fri, 09-01-2006 - 1:37am
It's not that each thread has its own audience, it's that each board is it's own forum. You posted your first post on the Answer Man board, so that's the only place your post shows up. Now you've posted on the Problem Solving for Couples board. The only posts you'll be able to see here are the ones that the OP's chose to post here. Does that make sense?


Thanks for the link, you did great getting it on your post! Gimme a few minutes to read it and I'll be back!








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: gal_cara
Fri, 09-01-2006 - 2:25am
Cara, you got great advice to your post on the Answer Man board, really great.


But, considering your post there, your post here confuses me. There you said you'd agreed to talk only a "couple of times" during this six weeks you were out of the country. Here you're saying that you're frustrated that he hasn't called you. Why would you be expecting him to call or frustrated that he hasn't when you two agreed not to? You also say there are cards, gifts, etc. that he sent that haven't been received. Isn't this contrary to the break?


What I read in your post and subsequent responses on the Answer Man board is that you wanted the break so he could decide if the two of you were right. But that's not where the focus needs to be. You've demonstrated that he has problems; he's depressed, unfocused, etc., as was pointed out quite well on Answer Man, until he's resolved the issues in his own, he's not available to be a good boyfriend, or good anything, you know? He has to resolve the issues in himself before he can know if a relationship with you is what he wants. Those who responded to you also wisely suggested that a break be no contact and that a time frame be set to gauge progress on resolving his issues. Get together at the predetermined time and if he's made good progress you'll be able to move forward and at least consider if you're right for each other. If he's not made progress, the answer is also clear.


I need to also point out that while I understand you miss him and you're very focused on worrying that you'll lose him, you also suggested this break because you weren't satisfied with what you saw in him and how he approached your relationship. That's important -- you weren't happy or satisfied. So, instead of sitting on pins and needles waiting for him to decide if it's right, why aren't you doing the same inward look and asking yourself if a relationship with someone who seems apathetic and unsure of you is something that you want. But again, the real need is for him to focus on himself and his issues; until he's resolved his own issues, he can't and won't focus on your or your relationship.


You were also urged to discuss what has or will change to make getting back together work better than it did before; it makes no sense to break, then get back together only to go into the exact same relationship that had you break in the first place. I honestly don't think accepting a relationship he's not sure he wants, if he'll just refrain from saying insensitive things to you is a deal worth considering. You're worth way more than someone who's not sure but promises not to say insensitive things. You seem terrified to be without a mediocre relationship, why? You're not looking at this from a self-care position. It seems you're willing to settle for crumbs if he's at all able to let you in. It seems quite insecure. It seems that while you've been away you've been doing nothing but sitting on pins and needles, waiting for his decision, rather than asking yourself what it is you want and deserve; and by want and deserve I don't mean him, I mean a relationship in general. Decide what is right for you, what you want, then find the partner who matches, finding a guy and trying to make yourself happy with him or trying to make him fit what you want doesn't work.


I think your desire to dive back in is fear of losing something rather than being based in what you realistically want for your life.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2006
In reply to: gal_cara
Fri, 09-01-2006 - 7:00am

Hi there
Yeah, I feel sort of like a loser sitting in pins this whole time. But I DO know what I want and the type of person I want to be with....he has most of these qualities. He also may NOT be the right person for ME in the end. I need to focus on that as a probability a little more.

It's sure that I need and deserve all the right things from someone. But I can tell you along with the issues I've posted about our relationship there are many many things that were really great about our relationship. It's very complicated. It's not that he's depressed and I want him to fix it. Or that I expect any of the issues will be completely fixed.

The relationship was in most ways really great. So that's complicating the whole thing. And my part to play in the breakup is that I was expecting him to plan our future after only 6 months and with his circumventing issues. When I didn't get it I became upset. So looking back I think I was expecting something when the time wasn't right. He wasn't able to give me that assurance at that moment. Maybe he never will, but that information is not available to me right now. I'm not willing to wait forever but considering i was living 3000 miles away and we were only together for a bit it may have been too much to expect.

How much is long-distance playing into this whole thing?

So I will see what happens when I get back. I may never get these writings from him which sucks. I just hope I am strong and clear with whatever presents itself when I'm back. I'm trying to be realistic and I'm trying to follow my heart a little more than my mind which has driven me in the past.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: gal_cara
Fri, 09-01-2006 - 12:53pm
I'm not sure I understand. Are you saying that he wasn't apathetic about whether or not he wanted to continue the relationship but wasn't sure whether this was the relationship he would plan to continue for the rest of his life? I'm going to continue my answer as though what I've understood up til now is correct, that he wasn't sure he wanted to continue with you at all, as you stated he was unsure about coming to visit you again. If I'm wrong in what I've understood up to now let me know.

Someone who has most of the qualities you want isn't someone who's right. It's someone who's close but not close enough. I didn't think you wanted to fix him, but I do think you're looking at his issues and thinking he'd be *perfect* if they were gone and are staying wanting, willing, wishing and somewhat expecting that one day they'll disappear and you'll have exactly what you're looking for. The problem with sticking around for the potential you see in someone is that unless they're actively working to achieve that potential you have no reason to expect it to ever be any different. I never thought for a minute that what you posted illustrated the whole of your relationship, but I do think someone who's apathetic about whether or not he wants to continue with you is pretty loudly saying that while this relationship may be right for you, it's not right for him. If he felt as right about the relationship as you did, he'd feel like you do. You may be thinking "maybe it's the depression", and maybe it is, but if he's not actively working to resolve it and making progress, it's not going to change.


How much is long distance playing in this? I don't know, how long have you been long distance? How were things before the long distance initially started? Where does his depression/lack of motivation/poor self esteem or confidence fit in to the picture?


"I'm trying to be realistic and I'm trying to follow my heart a little more than my mind which has driven me in the past." Good luck with that, lol! Trying to be realistic and trying to follow your heart are following two vastly different paths. I wouldn't recommend following your heart, it will have you making choices based on emotion that won't last and won't make you happy in the long run. It's harder to follow your realistic mind, it chooses what you should do rather than what you want to do.


If you can read it without stacking the deck, I really encourage you to read "Are You the One For Me?" by Barbara DeAngelis , but if you'd read it slanting things so your boyfriend fits your criteria, it's not worth looking at.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2006
In reply to: gal_cara
Fri, 09-01-2006 - 2:18pm


Sorry this is long. You are really helping me and it helps me to get this out and have advice rather than keep it all in my own head. thanks for taking the time to read this. It is really hard to be in a foreign place alone. I'm trying to be strong.

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If you can read it without stacking the deck, I really encourage you to read "Are You the One For Me?" by Barbara DeAngelis , but if you'd read it slanting things so your boyfriend fits your criteria, it's not worth looking at.

<<>>

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...I'm going to continue my answer as though what I've understood up til now is correct, that he wasn't sure he wanted to continue with you at all, as you stated he was unsure about coming to visit you again. If I'm wrong in what I've understood up to now let me know.

>>> What happened is this. I came home after a month of being apart and he was there with open arms. We spent all of our time together, did a whole bunch of fun stuff with his friends & mine BUT at the end of the week when i giddily asked when he was coming to visit again , he said he didn't know blah blah blah. Very weird. My heart dropped and my fears surfaced that he wasn't sure about ME. Logical, right? It was strange and confusing for someone who shows me such affection, attention and time. Hence I suggested the break. I didn't ask if he wanted to continue a relationship with me, I told him this is what I needed. Unified front of sorts. Protecting myself. I assume if I asked him if we wanted to continue he would say eh yes. Apathetic yes. He even mentioned wanting to still call me girlfriend over the break...but this isn't happening now as i made that clear and I think that's strange anyway?

So this is it....I find that he shows me tremendous affection and makes overt gestures investing in me with his time , gifts, silly stuff etc. BUT *has a few times* dropped bombs like the "I'm not sure when I'll come visit" thing. The figurative teeter totter. Wonderful actions on one end, lack of words & definitive plans on the other. You see, I think he enjoyed/s doing romantic things for me and spending all of his time with me BUT there was/is a cutoff to where he was/is ready to take it with me right now.

So we even spent the next two days together with the break still a bit undefined and without any romantic involvement. I finally had to tell him I needed to go home and think. He would have spent the rest of the time with me before I left???? So i left and the next couple days it was very hard on me & him.

I spent time with my friends and he spent a lot of time alone. The last day we rode bikes and did yoga together and I confidently suggested this break. He said "If it's meant to be it's meant to be" Somehow even when talking about the break it I felt better in his presence. But then I terrible when I was apart from him.

*I think* he may be unsure of taking the relationship "to the next level" if you will Why? I don't know. I take it VERY personally. Talking that last day he told 100 times not to take his lack of visiting or apathy personally. But I still have these thoughts of "what is wrong with me". At first he perused that he could be afraid of commmitment, and then clarified that he needs to work out some of his issues.... I think that commitment comes when you meet someone you are sure about and that personal issues should can be worked out WITH your friends and loved ones not apart...do you know what I mean?

DO I need to ask myself is this what i want? yes!!!!!!

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I didn't think you wanted to fix him, but I do think you're looking at his issues and thinking he'd be *perfect* if they were gone and are staying wanting, willing, wishing and somewhat expecting that one day they'll disappear and you'll have exactly what you're looking for.

<<>>

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How much is long distance playing in this? I don't know, how long have you been long distance? How were things before the long distance initially started? Where does his depression/lack of motivation/poor self esteem or confidence fit in to the picture?

<<>>

:|

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: gal_cara
Fri, 09-01-2006 - 2:48pm
Hang on a minute, Cara, when he said he wasn't sure about coming back to visit did you ask him why? Do you know his reasons or are you assuming he was unsure of your relationship at that point? I understand that since then he's said he's unsure, but did he say that at that point?


As far as taking the relationship to the next level at just six months, I guess I'd have to ask what the next level is? Six months is very early to be making commitments or plans, there's still much you don't know about each other, despite how it feels.


I think you misunderstood my meaning when I said "perfect", and it's my fault, it's the wording, I word it that way all the time. (I think when/if you read the book you'll understand) Of course no one's perfect, but when you know what you're looking for in a partner, you've set the standard of what is *perfect* for you (maybe ideal is a better word, although it conjures up thoughts of "this would be ideal but not possible" to me, which makes it not appropriate for what I'm trying to say) and once you know what that is, you don't settle for less, period. Yes, everybody has faults and issues, the telling point is whether those faults and issues are problems for you. If you have to say, "he's great but xxx bugs me" then it's not right. However, if you say, "He's great; yeah he does xxx and that would bug some people, but it's not at all an issue for me" then it's a non-issue, it doesn't interfere with what you want or need and this imperfect person is perfect for you. I kind of simplified it, but I think it makes sense?


I'm glad it's helping, no worries on long posts!








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2006
In reply to: gal_cara
Fri, 09-01-2006 - 3:46pm

Hang on a minute, Cara, when he said he wasn't sure about coming back to visit did you ask him why? Do you know his reasons or are you assuming he was unsure of your relationship at that point? I understand that since then he's said he's unsure, but did he say that at that point?

<<

We had talked about NYC in the begining of our relationship as his wanderlust and something he's always wanted to do...and I TOTALLY get ... I felt the same way a few years ago and went to live there for a couple years...but I wasn't included in this plan of his and I was almost added to the audience of this "plan". Now that the relationship was growing deeper, this hit me in the gut. Moreover and strangely I KNOW he wasn't even seriously planning it!!? Weird, eh? He's a bit lost on what he wants to do with his life and said this as an unfortunate insensitive pondering.

SO He spends ALL of his time with me, we LOVE doing practically all the same things , we have great sexual intimacy....BUT...."He may move to NYC for a bit"

So that led me to ask this question: "Are you interested in seeing others?" and he said, "I dunno i've thought about it i guess b/c you are gone" and my mind went, I became teary, and there hence I suggested.....THE BREAK ... and the discussion began. I think my emotions scared him a bit but also brought us a bit closer at the same time. He wiped my tears and called me beautiful and i literally for the first time told him "i loved him" even though I knew he wasn't ready to say it.

He then said "he didn't really want to see other people. "It's just been hard that you've been gone....even if we did see others I would still want to consider you my girlfriend. Maybe this will make me realize that I really can't live without you"... "Maybe I'm just scared of commitment..."...he didn't know....he was completely confused.

So at the end of my stay I was very hurt and thought the break would be best. But I was super strong and positive with no tears. He then clearly said "I DO NOT want to see other people I need to deal with my issues...he said it's not me it's him 100 times...and he said "if it's meant to be & it's meant to be"

And here we are...I do have a fear of rejection we all do. I think it interceded here a bit but i also know that there was a commnication breadown of the greatest order.

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As far as taking the relationship to the next level at just six months, I guess I'd have to ask what the next level is? Six months is very early to be making commitments or plans, there's still much you don't know about each other, despite how it feels.

<<>>

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... If you have to say, "he's great but xxx bugs me" then it's not right. However, if you say, "He's great; yeah he does xxx and that would bug some people, but it's not at all an issue for me" then it's a non-issue, it doesn't interfere with what you want or need and this imperfect person is perfect for you. I kind of simplified it, but I think it makes sense?

<<>>

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THIS IS HELPING. I hope it's becoming clearer for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2006
In reply to: gal_cara
Fri, 09-01-2006 - 5:43pm
Here is my opinion. You were the one to suggest this break not him. He has told you he didn't want to stop calling you his gf and he didn't want to see other people. I think he wants to continue the relationship with you but yes he does have some confusion since before you left you were together for about 4 1/2 months(still in the deciding whether we're going to be serious stage). I thik he wants to be serious with you but he's waiting for you to get back and worried how you feel about him moving for awhile to NYC. How far do you live from NYC when you are 'home'? How long does he want to move there, 2 months? I think he didn't know when he was going to visit because of the factors like his job,time,travel,money the cost of travel. I'm not sure why he hasn't called except he may be respecting that he thinks you want the break and calling is what you agreed not to do during the break. He said he sent you cards, letters and a gift(though you haven't recieved to know what they are, or say) this is his way of showing that he does want to keep dating you and because he says he wants to call you gf and not see other people. Now you have to ask yourself. Do you want the break because 'you' want to see other people,be single, or maybe not be with him? Do you think the only reason the break ever came up was because the relationship was going to be long distance for awhile? You don't have to see other people in a long distance relationship as long as that's what you both want and agree to, or 'figure' if you don't say that eachother can. My opinion, unless you want to see other people or contact eachother less,..then tell him, if he thinks it's right for you both to not see others and keep in contact often than that shows he still wants to be with you.I'm not sure that we can realistically find anyone perfect or even what we think is ideal for us untill we have them. He may or may not be perfect or ideal for you inyour eyes. Many married couples don't exactly settle, but they come to reality that f there with someone they love, there may be something they don't like that they do, it doesn't mean they shouldn't be together or there not meant to be.If he can work on the differences you have with him and you can work on the ones he has about you. It very well may be meant to be though it is too early to tell. Yes, we can not change people or behaviors, but we have the right to bring up our concerns with who we love and whether they change on there own for the relationship or if they decide shows us if we'll be happy and that they are 'perfect' for us. Don't eliminate a guys chance right off the bat because he doesn't seem to fit your standards when he very well could.Many married couples who are happy can say they weren't always sure but they stuck with it through thick and thin. It is unrealistic to think there will never be differences you won't like and to think you ccan find 'better' somewhere else instead of seeing if maybe there can be compromise. I think, since it is early you both don't really know this about eachother. All love has obstacles and thigs that you are goin to think "I'm not going to live with this" but communication can work things out,..and sometimes not. Then you'l know if you both can be unselfish,loving,caring and sacrifice and compromise with eachother and then it's 'perfect'. It just takes a little effort sometimes,..no fairytales. Did he say he loved you too when you asked him? Think about if you really want to be with him still without a break, without seeing other people and ask him what he wants to do. :) Does this help?

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