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| Wed, 08-30-2006 - 2:43pm |
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Hi there. I posted here a few weeks ago. My ex of 6 months and I were very close and spent nearly all our time together. We are now on a break/break up. Neither of us know the difference. I suggested the break and we both agreed. One reason for the break is that for the last two months I live 3000 miles away and I was worried because he told me he didn't know when he would come visit again and was being overall very vague. He told me he didn't know what he wanted. We talked and talked and I made it clear his apprehension has left me confused.
So the break was clear and dropped me off at the airport. We have emailed only a few times since the 2nd week in August. He called me on my birthday this past weekend, sent me flowers, a few cards and he is having something made for me However, he hasn't initiated communication ONCE in the last 3 weeks but on my birthday. I'm dying to receive these cards but I'm afraid they are lost in the mail. They could be really significant / or not:|
I'm having a really hard time. I'm doing everything i can to keep my mind off it but it's soooo hard. We used to be in constant communication with sweet texts, calls, emails and now I feel so distant from him. I know there are only a couple weeks left thank god, but I'm so afraid because there is no plan for what we will do when I get back. He has confirmed the dates I'm back and he will be back in town at the same time . He hasn't told me he timed his return with me so I'm left guessing on that too. I've received little words from him I've mentioned on the phone call that I miss him to make it clear and he of course reciprocated the comment. I think it's all and all assumed by both of us that we will get together when I return but to what avail? I don't know? It seems like it will be very awkward and I will be super super nervous.
I would really like to start over when I return. Even if he is still unsure. I'm sure I will be unsure too. 6 months just wasn't that long. I think if he can agree to stop saying the few sort of insenstive things he has said in the past, I can accept that my expectations may have been a bit high.
i just don't know. I don't know what to do?

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The NYC thing -- I don't get why this was a problem for you considering that you totally get his wanderlust and did the same yourself. I know you felt that you weren't included in the plan, but he said he's probably be back soon after your return. I could understand if, after hearing him say that you said, "what does this mean to our relationship?", but I didn't hear that you said anything like that. Do I understand right that you knew he wasn't really going to go all along? If so, I assume you thought the NYC thing was a way of getting out of the relationship? As far as being hurt that he was considering NYC, I guess I also don't get that since you were away overseas during that time anyway. I don't know the circumstances of your travel, and I'm probably wrong, but it seems like you may have made a choice to go overseas, so what's the problem with him choosing another city? Another thing is Cara, I don't think it's wise for any of us to be planning our lives (where we move, job opportunities, etc.) around a relationship that's just six months old.
Ohhh Cara, saying "I love you" for the first time when your guy has just told you he might be interested in seeing other people is a baad thing. It makes your more vulnerable and may put an awkward slant on things so that he doesn't feel comfortable being honest with you about what he wants or how he's feeling. It seems to me that him saying he was considering seeing others, pretty much lets you know that things aren't as serious on his end as they are on yours. You've got growing feelings, he's got doubts, you know? It would also have been a good time to agree to see others while you were apart and check back in when you got back to see where or if it goes from there.
Great that he gets that he needs to deal with his own issues and it has nothing to do with you. My question is, what did he plan to do to deal with his issues while you were gone? And what has he done to deal with them?
Future plans...yeah, I do think you overreacted. I think in your place I would have heard the NYC thing and would have reminded myself that it was just six months, I had no claim and even if I did, he was making his own choice. That would have told me to take a step back. Hard as it would have been, I think asking questions would have been a good thing to do at that point. I also think that the fact he was saying (presumably?) "maybe I'll be back when you get back, maybe I won't" tells you he's not at all considering taking it to any level. And if he said it the way it sounds like he did (without referencing what it meant to your relationship) I think that's speaks volumes itself.
Compromise. I read your posts and responses on the Answer Man. There it sounded like he's depressed, has no confidence in himself (wants to take another job but is afraid to try), lacks focus and drive. Those are things you can live with for the rest of your life without complaint or unhappiness? The fact that this guy isn't sure whether he wants to continue a relationship with you or not isn't a problem for you? Gotta tell you Cara, I understand the love all the same things, the great sexual connection, all of that, but each of us needs to have someone who truly loves us. If you have someone who kinda is okay with you, your going to feel it and you're going to crave the kind of deep love connection that you deserve.
More thoughts, comments, insights?
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Well to be honest your feedback has been helpful but in the last couple a bit hardlined. Maybe just hard for me to hear and not what I want to hear? I dunno.
Yes, I said I love him. Was it the wrong time? Maybe. But he knew I loved him anyway it was no suprise. And honestly i haven't said this but I know he loves me too. He makes it clear in other ways. Maybe in the end not in the way I need it *consistently but nonetheless. You see what I'm struggling with is the teeter totter of his intense affection for me and then his retreat. Could be an intimacy issue , could be that he's completely resolutely retreating, but I don't want to leave any option out at this point. So him saying he's thought of seeing other people, and then emphatically when I'm leaving saying he doesn't want to see other people does not say anything clearly to me. It says to me he's confused. And we DID make the break as we are free to see others. So that option is open for both of us.
I had this work leave planned before we met. Would I have done it if I were a few months or even a month into this relationship and saw a good thing? Probably not. Believe me I've done 1000 things inmy life for myself not based around my current relationships BUT NOW I'm ready for a relationship and think a bit of sacrifice on my part in work life, etc is an easy decision these days for the chance at a good thing.
Anyway, he actually called tonight asking if I've received the cards. I think he was expecting me to call when I did receive them. But I've not received them darn it to hell! He said he'll give me them again in personn. And he actually said he found really cheap flight down here. I told him he was always welcome. But my parents are down and I'll be home soon so we'll see about that. It sounds to me like he is simply saying "By the way, I'm willing to come visit" He got off using our usual affectionate term "g'night baby"
Things are not black and white in this situation which is why I'm crazy. They are on a teeter-totter. But the conversation felt good.
He may have *known* you love him, but you said you're afraid of being hurt, and saying it at a time like that is really putting yourself out there at a time when it's very possible to be hurt. After all, you yourself read in his statement that the relationship wasn't as strong as you'd thought.
I guess in his change of tune on the "seeing other people" thing, I saw it as very possible that he reversed what he was saying because of your reaction, and because of your statement of love. To me, that clouds everything he's said since. But, you know him and I don't.
I understand being ready for a relationship, but it's important to make a solid choice based on reality, not because you're ready, he's there and he's pretty much what you want. No, I'm not saying that's the case with you, I'm just saying you've got to choose wisely, with your head. Often when we're *in need* of a relationship, we don't find good ones. It's when you feel strong and sure of yourself that you're able to make good choices, you know? Again, not saying that's you. What I hear you saying is that you're researching intimacy problems because it's what you think he has. That's not going to fix him and honestly, if you're reading books to figure out what problem he has it's a pretty good indicator that this isn't a good situation. Am I telling you to dump him and run? No. What I am saying is that if you choose to go forward, do so with your eyes wide open and your sensors set at "reality". If he's not actively taking steps to "fix" his problems that says he's not really interested in doing anything about them. That means they won't change. You don't like the teeter totter of intense emotion and then retreat, and you shouldn't. Being with someone who's hot and cold doesn't give you stability or security. It gives you love then snatches it away; or at least makes you question if it's really there at all. That's not a way to live.
I understand you're ready for a relationship, just don't be quick to grab what's in front of you and try to live with it because it's there and "easy". A good thing doesn't put you through the ringer and isn't hard to figure out. It also doesn't include diagnosing, you know?
There's a saying, "When you settle for less than you want, you find out you've settled for less than you thought". Don't think you can "live with" his teeter totter and don't think you can fix it either. You can't fix his problem, only he can, and only if he wants to.
I think if you jump forward because you want it to be right, you'll regret it. It's only truly right if it is and if that's the case, there won't be any doubts or concerns in your mind. You can't make it right if it's not.
What I really think though, is that I'm not saying anything you don't already know.
Have you reposted this on the Answer Man board? They gave you great advice last time.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
Edited 9/2/2006 3:50 am ET by cl-2nd_life
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
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