21 year old needs advice on compromise

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2005
21 year old needs advice on compromise
7
Sun, 01-15-2006 - 2:28pm

Hi everyone, I'm new to this particular board but I'm really just seeking some two-cents on an issue that everyone I know finds to be a little puzzling.

I am 21, I have been with my boyfriend for two and a half years. Prior to that, we were co-workers and good friends. When we were first dating, he went to a very small college in southern Colorado and I came to Texas Tech. We were long distance until summer came again. That is when he decided to take a semester off (which I was extremely against because he was already a senior), so we were long distance again. Finally, he transferred to Tech (I did not pressure him one bit to come here, it was his own decision. He claimed he no longer was happy in CO). Anyone from Texas knows that Tech is a huge party school. Here's where the trouble starts.

My bf does not drink alcohol at all. He can be around it to a certain extent but he is very very opposed. On the other hand, I enjoy an occasional drink. Now before I get tagged as a party girl, let me say that I am absolutely not. I used to drink to get drunk and decided very early (second semester of my freshman year of college) that partying was really not my thing, even at this huge school. So I really did not drink anymore until I turned 21. Since I am legal, the most that I will drink is once every couple weeks. I don't drink beer or straight liquor...I enjoy a glass of wine with my family or a friend or a margarita (or something equally "girly") if I go out to dinner on a special occasion. I will have one drink and I never get drunk or even "buzzed". And I would never, ever get behind the wheel if I thought I would pose any kind of danger. My mother is French so I was just raised to believe that alcohol was really not a big deal, as long as you are responsible. I have and will never let it affect my behavior or actions.

My bf never directly tells me that he is angry because he does not like confrontations. Instead, if I have done something he disapproves of, I get the silent treatment, or I have to beat it out of him to get him to tell me what is the matter or why he is upset at me. He is a devout Catholic, which is definetely something I look for in a guy, since I am Catholic myself. His religion is probably one of the most important things to him. Since we have been together, I have become more religious and even left the church that I went to my entire life to go to one with stricter Catholic rules because I wanted to become closer to God like my boyfriend (this was my decision). Anyways, Catholics drink and it's ok with the church as long as you aren't an alcoholic. I have become a better person, but he still makes me feel like crap over the small things that I do that he thinks aren't morally correct. For example, I watch certain TV shows that he thinks are "bad" but I would never go off and do anything that happens in those shows. He also disapproves of some of my friends. Now some of my friends can act a little inappropriate but I maintain my strong character and morals and respect their decisions.

I really don't think I am a bad person. He is two years older than me, so I piled on the hours in college so I could graduate early so we could be together. I am graduating Magna Cum Laude this May with a major (a hard one too) and two minors and a teaching certification after only three years of college. Now I am graduating before him. I made a 4.0 last semester and I work hard at my job. I have never touched drugs or cigarettes. I don't even cuss that much. I would never intentionally hurt any person or animal. I supported my boyfriend when he took his "breaks" from school and I am a good friend and loyal to my family.

Outside of this, we have a very loving relationship and we share a lot of the same goals and dreams. We want the same things in life. I guess I could give up drinking altogether but I just really don't think I should have to when it is such a teeny tiny thing in perspective to other things I could be doing. I see myself having a future with him but I just need to know, how much do you think this is going to be an issue? He has never officially "banned" me from these activities but I can't stand the guilt trips. We have talked about all this before but it just keeps coming up. I have made sacrifices for him but I just don't see why we can't compromise on this.

I apologize for the extremely long post but I am desperate. I don't want to lose him because he helped me through some really hard parts of my life (a death and a car accident) and I have been there for him too. I think we are a great match I just can't stand feeling like I have a probation officer.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
Sun, 01-15-2006 - 3:36pm

ttucoconut,

You aren't ever going to compromise with someone who wants all the control.

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Red Flag. Can't deal with reality or real life issues. Giving someone the siltent treatment is immature and not a quality that a real man who will become a husband would have. Do you really think you will have a successful relationship and marriage with someone who won't communicate?? Sure there are things that our SO's do that we don't like and don't want them to do. But normal people talk about it find a compromise that they each can live with. Your BF doesn't do this and it sounds like he never will.

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Communicating and dealing with problems in a relationship don't have to be confrontational. That's a BS excuse if I've ever heard one.

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Because he doesn't communicate his guilt trips are saying that he IS banning your from these things. Couples don't "guilt tip" eachother into getting what they want. This BOY has some serious issues and your relationship is not a healthy one.

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You shouldn't stay with someone just because they've help you through some rough times. Going through rough times does not MAKE someone your match. In my humble opinion you two aren't a match.

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It will be an issue for the rest of your life. He's a control freak that thinks he knows best. If you let him keep winning, by giving in to all his wants and BS then he'll keep giving it to you. You'll end up a insecure woman with no money, no indendence and no place to go when you finally realize that there is more to life. You are 21 years old, you have so many years ahead of you to live life and meet people. I am almost 28 and I can't even remember who I thought I was at 21. I look back on guys that I dated and thought they were the ones and I just have to laugh at myself. Oh Lord, would they all have been mistakes.

Best of luck,
defleppardgal

Defleppardgal

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sun, 01-15-2006 - 3:38pm

>>I have made sacrifices for him but I just don't see why we can't compromise on this<<

It's quite simple. The two of you can't compromise because he's judgemental by nature. He thinks that his way and his beliefs are the only correct ones.

Yes, you have some great times together - but this only happens when the two of you are in total agreement on what to do and how to do it. However, as soon as you want to do something that he doesn't approve of he gets all judgemental on you.

I'm really sorry hon, but short of turning into exactly the girl he wants you to be (which would be a very bad thing to do), he will never fully accept you for who you are.

One last thing......imagine being married to him. Could you cope with his judgements for the rest of your life? And I guarantee that they will get more and more frequent if you're living together.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 01-15-2006 - 5:00pm

I know that it's hard to hear that this person may not be a good match for you considering all the things you do "enjoy" about your relationship with him not to mention what you've invested emotionally.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Sun, 01-15-2006 - 5:51pm

First off, congratulations on your academic achievements. I think that proves that you have a good, sensible head on your shoulders.

While I believe that you love your boyfriend, he's pretty much letting you know that he doesn't accept who you are and unless you tow his line, he will use passive/aggressive behavior (the silent treatment) to punish you when you fail his expectations. What exactly is he doing to maintain your acceptance? What is he willing to do to tow your line? Why does he feel justified in engaging in control tactics with you, when you are not his child, you are not his responsibility and it's not his place to dictate how you are to live your life to you?

Just because he chooses not to drink, he has no right to dictate your life's terms to you. Either he accepts you for who you are or he doesn't. If he doesn't, then he needs to walk on. It's not fit for him to hold you to such expectations. If you want to have an occasional drink and you do it responsibly, then either he accepts that that's what you do from time to time or he doesn't--and he moves on. Life is too short for BS--and someone not accepting you for who you are falls under the heading of BS. There are guys out there who will treat you better than him and will let you be the wonderful woman that you are.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 01-15-2006 - 9:08pm

Hi and welcome!

Congrats on your graduation. What an awesome achievement. I am in awe. It was hard being in college and I'm not a stupid cookie.

Well, I have to say that I don't drink and I don't like it when people around me drink. My solution to that particular issue was to marry someone who thought the same about that issue. If I had dated someone who thought it was fine then I would have just had to accept that of them. People can't just say, "Well, since I'm with you I'll just accept your beliefs on everything." That would be very dull.

Everyone else has commented too so I'll let their comments stand for me. I happen to agree with them (ESPECIALLY the passive/agressive parts). There is one other thing I wanted to comment on.

Based on your academic achievements I know that you are a goal oriented, driven individual. Your BF feels that taking time off "just cause" is okay. There is nothing necessarily wrong with either one of those ways of being. HOWEVER, this is going to drive you more nuts in the future. You brought it up a couple of different times in your post which lets me know that this really bothers you. Not only that, but you went full throttle to graduate the same time he would only to end up graduating in advance AND he's 2 years older than you. This tells me that you two have VERy different work ethics and expectations and it is going to get worse for you.

I'm not saying your BF is bad or anything like that. And I bet you do love him and that the two of you can have a great time together. I just think this means that you are two very different people with two very different ways of being.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sun, 01-15-2006 - 9:36pm

>>Well, I have to say that I don't drink and I don't like it when people around me drink. My solution to that particular issue was to marry someone who thought the same about that issue. If I had dated someone who thought it was fine then I would have just had to accept that of them. People can't just say, "Well, since I'm with you I'll just accept your beliefs on everything." That would be very dull.<<

I so agree with this. It's the type of stance that your boyfriend should have. It is OK for him to want a partner who doesn't drink - but it's not OK for him to want to change you, or to do the passive/agressive thing when he has issues.

He should either accept you for who you are and your lifestyle choices, or move on and find someone who's lifestyle he agrees with. Anything less is unfair on both of you.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 5:53am

I agree with everything the other posters have said (he's controlling, he dispproves of your behavior, it's only going to get worse, etc), and wanted to add something else. Your boyfriend transferred to Tech from a small school in Colorado. It is true that he "knew" what kind of a place he was coming to, and that Lubbock is a good-sized city (no disparaging comments from you coastal types, please; on the High Plains, Lubbock is a metropolis). Knowing these things intellectually, however, and actually experiencing them are two entirely different things.

Your boyfriend may feel overwhelmed by his new life. He may feel that he needs to control things, and the only thing around that he has any hope of controlling is you. That doesn't make it right, but it may help you understand him.

Maybe he needs to continue his education in a less-stressful environment--he could always go to WT.