2nd_Life...you were right...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2005
2nd_Life...you were right...
12
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 12:15am

I know you can't possibly recall my story....it has been several months, at least. But I originally posted seeking input regarding my dh's "odd" behavior. I didn't want to believe that he was having an affair, but you felt strongly that a third party may indeed be involved. Still, I didn't want to believe it until the facts stood up and smacked me right in the face. Pieces of evidence began to surface, and I wasn't even looking for them! Among other things, I found a hotel receipt where his vehicle description, and that of his "guest" were typed in bold, black letters. This "guest," turns out to be a female coworker of his.

Once he admitted everything (he had no choice! The proof was undeniable!), I became an emotional heap, and could do nothing but sob for about three days. He tried to hug and comfort me, but it made it much, much worse. Finally, I took off my ring and told him we were finished. It hurt me to do that, but he simply will not be faithful! Next day, I started looking for work and replacement medical insurance. Well, since I had a kidney removed last summer due to renal cell cancer, I am uninsurable! After the 4th denial from insurance companies, I became scared, and very emotional again. He told me to not worry, that we would stay together and work things out. I agreed, not feeling that I had any choice. So we talked, and said that we would *really* try to work things out.

Three weeks later, I learn that he is still talking to her! I was shocked! I asked him how he could dare make a pretense of trying to work things out with me, while carrying on this affair! I demanded to know if he would give her up. He said that they are 2500 miles apart, and can't "do" anything. That is unacceptable to me! That answer tells me that he will see her if he gets a chance! Additionally, I found websites where he was doing job searches in her area.

What kills me, is that our marriage seemed fine before he went on this temporary assignment and met this woman. Now suddenly he claims that the love has been seeping out of our marriage for the past decade. But that makes no sense. There were little things that we would do, and say to each other, and we had dreams! He was so PASSIONATE about some of our dreams. He would go on and on about the home we were to build for hours! You can only imagine how close we were! We held hands, talked, and laughed together. We said "I love you" dozens of time each day. We had grown together in so many ways over the past 17 years of our marriage! Yes, there was an affair early on, but I had forgiven him, and eventually, we worked through that. People who knew us well described us as "tight" and "unshakable" over the past few years. He and I were BOTH proud of that reputation, and we discussed it often.

But he meets this girl, and all his thoughts change. The dreams were gone, and he was different overnight. If he really *has* been unhappy for 10 years, he is the best actor in history. I think back to so many specific conversations, date nights, etc, and I just don't buy it. My gosh, he would sneak around behind my back and arrange child care and surprise me with special romantic trips! He did that frequently! And now to say that there has been no love.....I just don't buy it.

I don't get, how he could be willing to leave 17 years of love, hopes, and dreams, plus me and his kids, to go 2500 miles away to a woman that he has know only 5 months. I just do not get it.

He says that he has no actual "plan to leave." He says that if nothing else, he will see me through college to where I can get a decent job, and insurance. (I can get insurance again once I'm cancer-free for 5 years).

So now I'm stuck. I've GOT to have insurance...I have expensive procedures scheduled this summer. I'm fine really - back to normal and physically active, so sometimes I feel that I'd rather take my chances medically, and ask him to leave, but then I have the kids to think about. If I don't do all the procedures, they could lose their Mom. I am completely defeated and at his mercy. Part of me wants him to just leave already, while part of me realizes I should be grateful that he's providing the financial support. He says that it's the least he can do after all he has done, and he will NOT budge. As for me, it kills me to have to depend on him this way. My upcoming procedures basically are just rechecks to make sure the cancer is all gone. If it stays all gone like they think, that will be a HUGE load off my mind. I'll be on the way to getting my own insurance!

Anyway, it was my intention to just stop by and thank you for your time before. Although I didn't want to believe what you were saying, you nailed the situation exactly. Thank you for preparing me for what was to come. The sad thing is, I just can't turn off my feelings for him, like he claims to have done. Despite everything, part of me STILL wants to work things out with my husband. The thought of "going it alone" is turning out to be the most frightening thing ever - even moreso than the cancer, I believe.

Thanks again,

Chin_Up

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2005
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 12:31am
Chin_up,
I am so sorry to hear about your situation. A thousand (((((((((((hugs)))))))))). I cannot give you any advice on this because I wouldn't know where to begin, but I have a question, if you are looking for a job (full-time), then you should get benefits and you would have health insurance and in having dealt with situations similar to that (looking for it separately from a job) I know companies won't insure you if your searching it out but it has been my experience that if you land a job with benefits, then the health insurance company has to insure you regardless. Could you not try to do that?
I don't want to assume but it seemed as though you were ready to go when you actually felt trapped by not having your own security of work and insurance. I have felt that way also (very much in need of insurance and security) and my x tried to keep me because of those things. I know you love your husband and want things to work out but I would also hope you try to secure a position for yourself where you can get benefits and you may feel somewhat unbound by that to make a decision free and clear without the pressure of losing that security.
I'm sorry I have no more to offer than this but I am thinking of you and I am sorry and I wish you all the best. More((((((hugs))))))
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 12:56am

Chin_up's previous post can be found here:


Hoping for insight.........(m)


Chin_up, I'll be back soon ~







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 2:17am

Chin_up, I'm so sorry that it turned out this way, I'd have much preferred to have been wrong.


I have to say that he's not *really* trying to work things out. Staying in contact with her is just the opposite. He can't be focusing on rebuilding your relationship if any of his attention is going to her, he can't be seriously trying to rebuild if he's staying in contact and hiding it from you and he's certainly not rebuilding by proving to you that he continues to lie to you. All that does is destroy even more of your relationship, give you less reason to believe and certainly destroys any small bit of trust you might have left. You have every reason to believe he will continue to see this woman, and no reason to believe he will end it. Even if he ends it, this is the third time he's been inappropriate and/or had affairs that you know of. The fact that he's a "repeat offender" says this behavior is almost certain to continue. I know you don't want to hear that, but it's true.


I'm so sorry to hear about your cancer, I can only imagine what you've gone through. I hope your experience with kidney cancer is as good as my father's; he had a cancerous kidney removed and never had any recurrence.


I'm not so sure you're stuck, at least not the way you think you are. Have you spoken to a divorce attorney? If not I would strongly urge you to do so. Know that the first consultation with an attorney is free. Explain your situation and your concerns and ask the attorney for advice. He or she will very likely have options for your insurance that you didn't know existed. Perhaps as part of a separation agreement your husband could be mandated to maintain your health insurance; perhaps he could be mandated to maintain your health insurance after a divorce. The laws vary state to state so it's impossible to guess what might or might not be options, but in checking with an attorney who specializes in divorce you'll know what's possible and what's likely. It's certainly worth it to go and listen.


I suggest that you check in with the Living with Cancer board, not only for their support, but you never know what you might find in the way of insurance information from others who are facing similar problems. You should also check in with the
Surviving Divorce board, if for no other reason but to ask questions about your insurance issue. It's a great place to ask questions. I'd also suggest checking in with the Betrayed Spouses Support board for their support and understanding. You deserve all the support you can get. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Keep us posted on how you're doing, will you?








~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 10:52am

Was it this past summer that you had the surgery to remove the cancer or the summer before? I can't quite recall....

OKay, first off, I'm very, very sorry that you have to go through all this. It isn't fair, you don't deserve it, and you were NOT imagining everything going on these last 10 years. Your H just has a very warped view of reality or something.

Now as for the insurance thing, like cl said, the law where you live could very well allow him to maintain your coverage, with his, after a divorce. If not, COBRA will let you continue your current coverage (which you wouldn't be taken off his until a dovorce is final, I know that can be mandated by the courts) for 36 months. And I'm sure you can tack his paying that COBRA coverage into a divorce decree. I honestly feel that you can get yourself about 4 years from NOW on insurance coverage. Longer if you take a few months to actually file. (My MIL went through insurance issues when she got divorced after 30 years, multiple affairs, and her H saying about the same as yours, that it was and had been a sham for years. And now she is getting treatment for renal cell carcinoma.)

You don't have to rush anything. You can always go for a legal separation first. (Make it legal, see a lawyer and everything for it.) And then figure out what you want and go from there. (I think a legal separation might even buy you more time on the insurance front.) No judge would order you removed from his insurance given your medical history and the basics of the situation, IMO.

(((Hugs))). I really am very sorry. This just isn't fair.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2005
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 12:11pm

Thank you all for the input....I honestly did not realize that I had these options regarding insurance. Once I checked with a few companies and was told "no," I assumed that I was just plain uninsurable if I lost my current coverage. It looks like I quit looking too soon. With this newfound hope that you all have provided, I think I'll make some more phone calls today and get some "what if's."

I have not seen an attorney yet, but plan to do so soon. I've got a business card from an attorney who is supposed to be very good. It's tricky, because right now he brings in the only income. But you were right - there really is no rush, and once I'm employed full-time, finances won't be such an issue.

I'm really struggling today, because dh is acting SO strange. He has sunk into a deep depressed mood, and sounds all beaten and sad. While at work, he calls me from his cell phone and complains about being 'down,' but won't specify why. I've gotten to the point where I will ask once, "Are you alright.." He'll say, "well, I guess....." I do not pry, because quite frankly, I cannot handle anymore in-depth discussions. If he's depressed about his situation, oh well. He chose it. He CREATED it! I've got too much going on with the kids, the house, etc to get vacuumed into anymore drama right now. As far as I'm concerned, I'm trying to survive this situation day by day until I can stabilize myself, and become independent. I have come to see that you are so right, 2nd_Life - he's a repeat offender, and if even if he DID break this off with her, and allow us to resume our life together, there's no guarantee that this whole thing wouldn't just happen again down the road. Especially since he travels for work.

Anyway, thank you all three SO MUCH. I feel like I've made new friends, and would like to stick around and chat, and maybe even offer a shoulder to cry on to others who are going through ordeals like this. ((((Hugs)))) to you all. Thanks for giving me a bit of strength today. With support like yours, maybe I can eventually live up to my ID. :)

Chin_up

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 1:48pm

I really understand about getting down about insurance. I am the one who causes that problem in our family (darn not being skinny enough!) and so when DH has been out of work before I've had to find the best options, especially when he was fired when I was pg. That and with MIL not working due to her cancer and being divorced, I learned a lot about COBRA law.

As far as his being the only income, a legal separation can mandate that he continue to cover all the current bills and maintain the household, without being able to live in it. That's where a lawyer would come in. And lawyer fees can also be added into his problems, especially if you live in an at-fault state. But you need to KEEP all evidence of his affair and if you can, get evidence of past affairs to show a pattern.

I hope you do stick around. I know you will need all the "friends" you can get at a time like this. And you are right, if he calls you all down, just ignore it. He can deal with it.

Jen

Avatar for noregretsever
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2004
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 8:33pm

Chin up, sad to read your story.


Regarding the insurance issue, I suggest you contact a divorce attorney ASAP. Insurance coverage is a COBRA issue if the company /organization is large enough.


In Illinois, where I live, insurance benefits were available to me for 3 years after the divorce became final. It was a BIG deal to me too. I had angioplasty at 42 and insurance was real important to me as a heart patient as it is to you, a cancer patient.


As to your husband's affairs, he's not being honest with you. Or to himself. Nor is he really willing to sit down and resolve the "urge" for his affairs. And you do play a major part in his decision to have an affair. Because some where along the line your hubby made the decision it was easier to find momentary relief in the passion of escaping inside an affair than it was to find absolute relief by facing the

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-23-2006 - 12:04am

Aw Chin_up, I'm so glad you feel so supported, you really deserve to feel that way. I'm just sorry it's under these circumstances.


I think you're so right in what your husband's trying to accomplish today -- he's trying to suck you into worrying about his sad mood, he wants you to forget about what he's done and stop looking at the situation and put your attention on poor him. He wants you to focus on trying to make him feel better. You're absolutely right -- If he's depressed about his situation, oh well. He chose it. He CREATED it! You're so right to focus on what needs to be focused on and refuse to get sucked in by his game. Good for you for rising above it.


I know what you said about the likelihood of him repeating cheating, but being on the road really doesn't enter in. If he's interested in cheating, it's easy to do right from home.


It's really great that you have the card of a good divorce lawyer, I'd urge you to make an appointment tomorrow to speak with him -- again, it doesn't mean you have to proceed, but it does help you know what your options are, what you should and should not do to put things in your favor and avoid making a mistake that will hurt you. It's something attorney's really urge you to do -- find out what you should be doing and find out what your options are. The other good thing about seeing this good attorney is once you've visited him, he cannot represent your husband even if your husband wants him to; once he's consulted with you, he's unavailable for your husband, so if he's good, play that chip! As we've said, things vary greatly from state to state, but I can tell you that a friend of mine who was a stay at home mom (unemployed) divorced her husband and had it written into the decree that her husband was responsible to pay her attorney fees. She got the house, custody of the kids, had great representation and her husband footed the bill. Until you go talk to an attorney, you have no idea what your options are, Chin up; at least go find out what's possible so you can move forward with full awareness and knkowlege.


I really urge you to post on the Betrayed Spouses Support too, they would be such a help and support to you.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2005
Thu, 02-23-2006 - 4:27pm

NRE, Thanks for the reply.

One thing that I am extremely proud of (particularly after reading a couple of your posts), is that I never tried to "change" a thing about my husband. In fact, I stuck by his side, and defended his actions and/or opinions even when it meant offending family members and friends - including my parents. For example, his language tends to be rather "harsh," and over the years, many people have told me that I need to "MAKE him clean up his language.." I never said a thing to him. Instead, I reminded them that he is a former marine, and the rough language seemed to develop during that time. I asked them to please disregard, or speak to HIM about it rather than me. I did secretly wish that he would use milder language, but I knew better than to tell a grown man what to say or not to say.

I'm not sure I'll ever be able to pinpoint exactly what made our relationship deteriorate. His first affair occurred while he was overseas, and we had been married less than a year. In fact, we had only been "together" for 6 days before he had to depart on a military tour. He claimed that he had gotten "drunk and stupid, and gave in to peer pressure..."

Perhaps it was due to one of the several lifechanging events that we experienced during our lifetime (birth of a stillborn child, birth of a micro-preemie who was a whopping two pounds, hubby's participation in the first gulf war, and of course my cancer issues). I always felt that those events made us stronger as a couple. Guess I was wrong. We seemed so connected, so CLOSE when he left on his temporary job assignment for three months. We clung to each other and swore we'd call and e-mail every day. When he arrived at his work site in a different state, he searched diligently for accommodations for me and the kids so that we could join him for the three months. He said he WANTED us there with him. He surprised me with a weekend babysitter once and flew me out for a romantic weekend...and boy was it ever! But then he met her.

Believe it or not, I wish him well. I am however, a bit curious about what she will think once his "true colors" shine through. Right now he's on his best behavior around her because it is fresh and new (he admitted this!). Not using his usual language, and not displaying his temper or irritability. So it makes me wonder what will happen when she knows the 'real' him. Like you said, guys resent having to change....right??? But like I said, best of luck to them.

I'm so relieved to hear that you were able to maintain insurance coverage for your health issues. Hopefully I'll be telling that same tale several years from now. I am encouraged to hear that it is not only possible to move on after a long marriage, but to be as happy as you have stated being. Good for you. :)

Chin_up

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2005
Thu, 02-23-2006 - 4:36pm

2nd Life.....I plan to take your advice and stop in over at the Betrayed Spouses support board. In fact, I believe I was there....I had stopped in briefly at either that board, or a similar one. I did not start a new post, but I did reply and relate to a poster that had a story that resembled my own.

Believe me, it was tough to not give in to his depression and console him. After so many years, it just seems the natural thing to do. Plus, I still care for him so deeply, that it does tug at my heartstrings when he is sad. Even though I know that I didn't cause the sadness, and can really do nothing about it. I just won't get sucked in.

On a happy note, I have company coming in this weekend. Friends from out of town will be visiting, and it will be so refreshing to have some laughter in the house!

Chin_up

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