2nd_Life...you were right...
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| Wed, 02-22-2006 - 12:15am |
I know you can't possibly recall my story....it has been several months, at least. But I originally posted seeking input regarding my dh's "odd" behavior. I didn't want to believe that he was having an affair, but you felt strongly that a third party may indeed be involved. Still, I didn't want to believe it until the facts stood up and smacked me right in the face. Pieces of evidence began to surface, and I wasn't even looking for them! Among other things, I found a hotel receipt where his vehicle description, and that of his "guest" were typed in bold, black letters. This "guest," turns out to be a female coworker of his.
Once he admitted everything (he had no choice! The proof was undeniable!), I became an emotional heap, and could do nothing but sob for about three days. He tried to hug and comfort me, but it made it much, much worse. Finally, I took off my ring and told him we were finished. It hurt me to do that, but he simply will not be faithful! Next day, I started looking for work and replacement medical insurance. Well, since I had a kidney removed last summer due to renal cell cancer, I am uninsurable! After the 4th denial from insurance companies, I became scared, and very emotional again. He told me to not worry, that we would stay together and work things out. I agreed, not feeling that I had any choice. So we talked, and said that we would *really* try to work things out.
Three weeks later, I learn that he is still talking to her! I was shocked! I asked him how he could dare make a pretense of trying to work things out with me, while carrying on this affair! I demanded to know if he would give her up. He said that they are 2500 miles apart, and can't "do" anything. That is unacceptable to me! That answer tells me that he will see her if he gets a chance! Additionally, I found websites where he was doing job searches in her area.
What kills me, is that our marriage seemed fine before he went on this temporary assignment and met this woman. Now suddenly he claims that the love has been seeping out of our marriage for the past decade. But that makes no sense. There were little things that we would do, and say to each other, and we had dreams! He was so PASSIONATE about some of our dreams. He would go on and on about the home we were to build for hours! You can only imagine how close we were! We held hands, talked, and laughed together. We said "I love you" dozens of time each day. We had grown together in so many ways over the past 17 years of our marriage! Yes, there was an affair early on, but I had forgiven him, and eventually, we worked through that. People who knew us well described us as "tight" and "unshakable" over the past few years. He and I were BOTH proud of that reputation, and we discussed it often.
But he meets this girl, and all his thoughts change. The dreams were gone, and he was different overnight. If he really *has* been unhappy for 10 years, he is the best actor in history. I think back to so many specific conversations, date nights, etc, and I just don't buy it. My gosh, he would sneak around behind my back and arrange child care and surprise me with special romantic trips! He did that frequently! And now to say that there has been no love.....I just don't buy it.
I don't get, how he could be willing to leave 17 years of love, hopes, and dreams, plus me and his kids, to go 2500 miles away to a woman that he has know only 5 months. I just do not get it.
He says that he has no actual "plan to leave." He says that if nothing else, he will see me through college to where I can get a decent job, and insurance. (I can get insurance again once I'm cancer-free for 5 years).
So now I'm stuck. I've GOT to have insurance...I have expensive procedures scheduled this summer. I'm fine really - back to normal and physically active, so sometimes I feel that I'd rather take my chances medically, and ask him to leave, but then I have the kids to think about. If I don't do all the procedures, they could lose their Mom. I am completely defeated and at his mercy. Part of me wants him to just leave already, while part of me realizes I should be grateful that he's providing the financial support. He says that it's the least he can do after all he has done, and he will NOT budge. As for me, it kills me to have to depend on him this way. My upcoming procedures basically are just rechecks to make sure the cancer is all gone. If it stays all gone like they think, that will be a HUGE load off my mind. I'll be on the way to getting my own insurance!
Anyway, it was my intention to just stop by and thank you for your time before. Although I didn't want to believe what you were saying, you nailed the situation exactly. Thank you for preparing me for what was to come. The sad thing is, I just can't turn off my feelings for him, like he claims to have done. Despite everything, part of me STILL wants to work things out with my husband. The thought of "going it alone" is turning out to be the most frightening thing ever - even moreso than the cancer, I believe.
Thanks again,
Chin_Up

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Well, people can be "great actors" - particularly if at the time they believe their own acts. They're very believable if they believe themselves.
Here's wht I think...in a nutshell.
Youo've got go with the fact people do what they do because they want to do it, their values, standards and principles justify and entitle them to their actions, feelings, thoughts, decisions, words, ideas, and desires. Those same values in all situations determine character, conscience, integrity and honor in every regard and venue.
So, when he cheated in the beginning - you put situational context as a justification into it - rather than he's got a right and is right to seek instant gratification if he so desires, or it is offered to him. HE believes that.
It's under the "I'm entitled to be happy"premise that people run on, with the adamant respnose "the constitution guarantees me the right to happiness, so I've GOT to do this thing right here"......the constitutions doesn't guarantee you the right to happiness, it guarantess you the right to pursut of happiness, provided your definition of happiness doesn't involve violating other people's rights. When they wrote to constitution to give us rights, the wrote laws to tell us "what is wrong".
So that was early in teh relationship, and your lives have progressed and gone. They've appeared to take a typical path - some ups and downs, some unexpected windfalls, some effort and work in the various elements and aspects. Probably you did alot more of that work and plannning than he idd...he was passionate about "having things" or "building them"...but you failed to ask waht it represented and why he wanted it - other than to have a possession.
So basically, everything in his life - he's done becuase it was right and his right, and he believed that whatever he wanted and was seeking - this method would bring it quicker or easier.
You've done the same.....that's how we all operate. Only what you've prioritized has been instrisic and existential and what he's prioritizd as been more external, superficial and of an instant gratification nature.
People cheat because they want attention and ego boost and adoration that they haven't got respect and admiration of themselves enough to do without, or see appropriately...and he did that in the early years and you "caught" him.....this i not a man who's fessing up on his own violation because he belives he violated your trust or shattered your world and believes he was wrong to d it.
So now youo've "found" him cheating again...quite likely he's done this over the years - this is an 'emotional affair" not a physical one at the moment......and you've never caught him.
but you caught this one and forced into the corner he confesses. People forced into corners to fess up dont' believe they're wrong to do what they're doing, they beileve this getting caught is a bit inconvenient for them...and so they put off that inconvenience as long as possible.
He's telling you now - waht he didn't have the character to tell you then.....ecause he's not a man of integrity and honor. HE doesn't love you, he thinks he's obligated to some aspects of your union such as his financial and insurance providership in light of th eyearsyou've spent together, the child you have, and your situation.
But he's not "with you" emotionally and spiritually - just physically - and it's been that way for you.
while to you talking passionately abot the house to come and holding hands meant "I'm doing this for "us"'...to him it was him talking abotu his dreams and wanting them to happen "for him".
Is the man a dreamer? You might have found this oe of his most endearing qualities at first, and it's been a ource of strain in the marriage slightly..but he is always dreaming about hwat'll be, passionately involved up into the point of sacrifice, investment or effort................and then he's off onto something else, or something else "comes up" and he's diverted off.
People that have big dreams but not plans.....want things and benefits and options and conveniences...they don't want to invest with work, effort, sacrifice, and self-requirement into the entity of a union, or the building of a house. Not really...they want it to materialize and benefit and convenience them - but work for it - no way.
So what he's telling you as painful as it is, I'd accept it as it is because it's very likely the first honest comment or conversation he's had with you on his side in years.
Basically, all he's saying is I'm sick of hiding my lack of interst in this relationship. You really can't imagine, nor should you sympathize with this, how hard it is for him to have "longed" for this to materialize and how much "thought and fantasy" he put into these conversations and dreams........he's done a great deal of "investing" of himself in a totallly new life and lifestyle that has NOTHING to do with you.
He's been doing that for a long time.
So be practical......becuase the one thing you weren't when you married him and he had no values that said cheating is wrong - but to get caught is a problem..........is practical and realistic.
You've got to assess character, before forming expectations. So the marriage is over. Out of guilt or shame or humiliation isn't wiling to fund you thru school and with insurance......don't count on that happening not really........but be greatful at this moment in time it gives you breathing room to plan and prepare for the transition into the next phase.
He's told you he doesnt love you, he doesn't desire the relationship, it is not a source of comfort or security, it is an albatross around his neck keeping him from what he wants - freedom. Not her - freedom.
You really need to practically look at the college element you're pursuing because your whole life just took a 180 degree flip.
If you're pursuing a degree that is several yars in the achieving, and that truly is NOT going to put you on a path of faster career upgrade by 2 or 3 times where you're at right now in the world...and that will be easier to determine by your age, your professional experience, if this degree is in your present field so that your previous experience is recognized of value, etc.....you need to stop pursuing the college, over stabilizing your life.
It doesn't mean you can't finisht eh degree, but if finishing the degree i reality is not going to expand your horizons and potentially IMMEDIATELY upon completion......you've got to question if you can afford to finish unless you're a semester or two away.
This man has announced "he's dnoe".....and he's willing to do some external, superficial and financial "guilt penance' and that's it. If you pursue a college degree that is giong to take you years to get - he's just informedyou he is NOW by this addmission free as he views it to begin make plans and taking action for his freedom...rather than fantasizing and playing on the internet with potential - her and a relocation.
At the point that he's done...and moved on, and is not legally bound to pay for this education by court order...he won't, because he can't. He can't support financial your efforts and dreams, the children you haev togeether, and a single, independent lifestyle of any substance on his salary alone. something has to give - and that somethingw ill be his financing your education. Because it's just not likely that a court is going to order him to do it and if they did you'd have to ensure it's civil enforcement with lawyers of your own.
So look at the college/career reality and realize you're fixing to be a single parent....at some point in the not to distant future. That doesn't mean that he's going to divorce you riight away - but it does mean that he's going to leave and go pursue his life.......whil supporting you to the best of his ability, in light of your situation, and you're the children's mother, and he likely doesn't want custody of the children thru your death, or court order because of your situation.
It is NOT uncommon in this day and age to be practical. Marriage is a legal contract regarding accrual and dissolution of assets and funds. Lots of people go their separate lifestyle ways and remain legally married for the purposes of insurances, taxes, and the children - shared custody, support being given not by court order but by self-requirement.
So your situation is not one that is uncommon. But it does need to be handled by you in a way that is proactive and self-serving in yur best interests of the long-term nature.
Here's what yu do NOT want to do.....and it can be avoided.
I know several couples doing this at present as outlined above. But I know of two couples that still "reside" together while to them "legally separated". there is no court paperwork filed, they live in the same house which is his because he purchased it after separation, and she pays him rent. She has a marginal job which doesn't allow her an independently secure lifestyle in the financial aspect...and they have a child that they do not want displaced back and forth each day.
He works days and into the evening. She works nites. Originally in separation, they physically split up.....they lived 10 mile apart, but he found himself paying out quite a bit of money to ensure that his child had suitable living arrangements with the mother...so it was cheaper for him to say "move in here" in the spare room, we'll share a kitche and living area, we really spend no time in the same vicinity anyway, and that way I'm not paying your bills where I don't live.......while spending alot of time and money in transportation of the child each evening.
Works out wonderfully. part of the exchange of her living there at lwo rent, is he remains on her insurane becuase of his self-employment. they have arrangements regarding overnight or opposite sex guests..........only becaue of the child living at home....not because they couldn't handle seeing one another in someone else's arms or bed or sitting together over breakfast.
So it is very possible to get creative, to get proactive, if you're realistic and self-responsible. And I"d highly recommend you start thinking outside of the box and getting a plan ASAP.
Because if you have no plan......hi actions will decide your fate. Be it that he picks up and moves across the country to live with her, while sendingyou money, and refusing to divorce you because of the insurance/childsupport issues...........leaving you to fend for yourself financially without a job, and still in school.
Or be that he announces now that he's told you the straight story he considers himself a free man. That he's going to date and going to pay the bills, and he wants you to take a separate room, and he'll pay for your education in exchange for you ding the laundry, cooking, and cleaning - and you'll have joint custody/obligation of the child with him paying waht he pays now.....only him living a somewhat bachelor lifestyle that you and the child will lbe subject and privy to the realities of up in front of your face.
It'd be infinitely easier for you to do now...what you did on the first go around. which is look past this indiscretion realizing it's his right and right for him as he views it. That he's not going to be at least "emotionally" faithful and that what he has with you as it is - is all it is - and it' smore supeficial and external than existential and fundamental. And that's okay with you......as long you two keep u the pretext of married life for the sake of the child, for the sake of the insurance, and for the sake of finshing your education - he can continue to email, he can do wahtever he likes........he's not expected to be emotionally bonded or faithful, but he is expected to conduct himself like an upstanding father to the child and in the presence of the child.
You could then proceed to go to an attorney and have an agreement prepared that outlines this arrangement for the duration of your school. It'd be a civil contract, it would take court enforcement and lawyers to help you - should he violate it.
And don't put irresponsible, irrational, or unrealistic demands or expectations in it.
Expect him to do precisely what he has said he will do - pay your school, keep you on his insurance, and not divorce you legally for "X" number of years until your physical condition is one that is stable enough for you to retain insurance on your own. Draw that up, have it signed..........get it notarized....... In there tell him waht you'll be doing - finishing school in "X" amouont of time, having whatever specific treatments and medications the doctors advise regarding your health, and you'll be raising the children and doing the tasks and chores of motherhood as you always have.
You can specify in there if your'e willing to have sexual relations, or if you're willing to have civil conversations...but the reality there is tha tyou're very likely living int he same house to have both at some times, and not at others. So complicating a legal document, realizing everything you put in there as a stipulation is reviewd when you say "he's not living up"...is not advisable.
Becaue civil law will expect him to abide by the contract as it is set forth. It also expects you to do the same. If you get up there and say "well, we agreed to ahve sex during that perio dof itme so we did, and we were civil and we attended social events as a married couple, etc.....BUT I still want the other stuff...he's goign to claim that during these periods of civility you adn he altered the arrangement verbally, and you having violated the terms......the judge will be in a quadary of factual assessment and discernment, and he'll do the minimum of court orderas a result.
so get practical and realistic...it wasnice t hold hands and passionately discuss the future...but I think in your mind those discussions and actions had more "long term" significance that he ever intended. They were in the moment events, based on in the moment feelings. Feelings are not facts, goals, calls to actions or tools of cognition.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Oh Chin up, I must sound so pushy! It's just that every time I read your posts you say something that I've read over and over on the Betrayed Spouses board, I know you'd get validation and total understanding that can only come from peers who have been right where you are and know just how it feels. I want that kind of validation, support and understanding for you.
It is hard to break the old habits, and it's not like your feelings just shut off overnight; but he was fully playing it to get you sucked in and get the pressure and focus off what it's on. If he'd been taking responsibility he wouldn't have played the "poor me" card, he would have recognized it was his doing, his to bear.
You deserve a great weekend with great friends. I hope you have just that.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
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