3 years no sex, dh cannot talk with me - do I bail on this 7-yr marriage? (long, sorry)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2009
3 years no sex, dh cannot talk with me - do I bail on this 7-yr marriage? (long, sorry)
14
Fri, 08-26-2011 - 9:12am

Hi everyone,

I am a 45-yr-old woman on my 2nd marriage to a very kind-hearted 49-year-old man. We met and married pretty quickly 7 years ago – he had been a long-time bachelor and asked me to marry him after less than 3 months of dating. Such a nice, funny, handsome man – he was a special education elementary teacher – I was so happy to have found him! For the first full year together with him, I was really happy, in love, and wanted nothing more than to nest for life and have children with this man. I don’t quite know how to summarize the next 6 years without testing your patience, but I will try, because I am looking for advice.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2007
If he is just aasexual, why have you been forcing him to change ??? Taking him to doctors, therapy, counselling , popping pills , is NOT going to make him sex animal.
How about going yourself the above route to bring down your sexuality ? Sounds absurd, right ? Thats what you are doing to him. Let him be.If you dont like your life with him, divorce.

He is a big guy, he will survive.No need to stay out of symapthy for him.

He will stay the same, even if you give him viagra, horny goat weed, etc.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002

She is the one that has been in therapy and on medication, not him.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009

I can understand that your first marriage went bad and it had to end. But what 38 year old woman in her right mind accepts a marriage proposal after three months of dating? I'm sorry but your second failed marriage didn't just happen to you, you chose it. You spent one year in blissful love with him, which is an AWFULLY short amount of time to actually be in love and happy. Now you're not happy and I don't think there's any way to fix it because you're just not compatible with one another.

There are loads of men who would be thrilled to have a woman who loves sex. This isn't one of them. 45 is pretty young to commit to a relationship like this. If you let guilt keep you from living the life you want, you will be unhappy forever. I'm sure he can find an asexual woman who is happy to rub his feet. You're not the only woman on earth who can make him happy - And vice versa.

I hate the idea of divorce but I think the idea of two people staying together under these circumstances is worse.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2009

Wow, such speedy feedback, - I do appreciate it.

Heissick, thanks for the perspective. I think part of the problem is that I did the opposite, I tried everything under the sun to change myself. I've probably enabled wayyy too much. It's so hard to explain in just one post, it seems so easy to say as you did, why don't you just get divorced? I don't know why, you're right,

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
What you do next will depend on what you want to accomplish. If you want to stay no matter what, you might get help from our Mismatched Libidos board. I don't think we have a board your specific problem, but the posters are experienced and compassionate, and will have some good ideas for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I think you have done just about anything possible to try to make this work--unfortunately your DH really hasn't done much.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2007

http://forums.ivillage.com/t5/Virginity-and-Abstinence/why-does-he-want-to-wait/m-p/118040117/message-uid/118040117#U118040117

Read the above post.There are many similarities between her and you.She also believes that her bf has Aspergers etc. You may want to correspond with her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009
There are a lot of things that are same -- no sex, Aspergers maybe, everything else good, etc. It could probably be the same poster with different username.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
What do you do next? You already said "I crave deep connection - sexually, emotionally, and intellectually. I have come to realize that I’m never going to have that with my husband – his brain just isn’t wired that way."

Also you said "Because I think it’s just a matter of time before I either have an affair or down a bunch of pills or do something extreme like that."

So if you want to wait until that happens or live the rest of you life without that connection you crave for and taking that to your death bed then I believe the answer is obvious.

Mark

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