3rd wheel?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
3rd wheel?
11
Sun, 12-11-2005 - 11:22am
Hi all.
This is my first time to this message board, though I did spend a lot of time on the breakup board 9 months ago. Well, I'm with someone new and we've been dating for two very intense months. It got pretty serious pretty quick, partly due I think to our age (I'm 30, he's 36) and both looking for marriage ultimately. Anyhow, here's the issue I'm hoping you will weigh in on: My boyfriend's parents are both deceased and he has only one sibling who lives in another state. Therefore, his "family" is his friends. He cherishes his relationships with his guy friends and is very loyal to them and he truly feels that they are his family and "all he has". For this reason, it is important to him that whoever he is with is able to blend in to his support system and be part of his life in that way. All of his guy friends have wives and/or longterm girlfriends. So, they are all pretty established in their group. They do a lot of things together. I am definitely the newbie and thus am of course wanting to feel welcomed and liked. I have made a lot of effort to attend functions he invites me to where other couples are involved because I know it's important to him. Now, I'm 30 and I have an established support system as well, though unfortunately my family and friends are long distance and so he isn't really being asked to blend with them; I'm not in need of new friends nor do I feel a need to "fit in at all costs" so that I will have new friends.
There is one of his friends in particular who has a girlfriend of two years. She's younger than me. It's clear my boyfriend thinks she's very cool and he's known her for two years now. They've spent a lot of time together. He makes a point telling me how she attends all of the softball games the guys have (it's huge for him) and how she even goes to strip clubs with her boyfriend and is "one of the guys". Basically, putting her up as girlfriend of the year. Whatever! Anyway, on the last three occasions that I've hung out with this chick she has made ZERO effort to engage me in conversation, hasn't asked me anything about myself, hasn't done ANYTHING to try to make me feel welcome or friendly in anyway. She chats it up with my boyfriend incessantly and laughs at everything he says. I kept it to myself the first few times but last night it all blew up. We met up for dinner and once again she doesn't bother to talk to me. My boyfriend gives her a lot of attention at dinner making sure she is enjoying her meal(he tells me after the fact when I confronted him about it that it's because she's high maintenance and he wanted to make sure she liked the restauarnt he chose). For some reason "high maintenance" doesn't seem to go with a girl who is "one of the guys" right? So which is it???
Anyway, at the hockey game our boyfriends left to get food and I decided to not make an effort to talk to her and see as a test if she would finally try to talk to me. NOTHING!!!! When my guy came back I couldn't hold back the tears and I told him that I was pretty much done trying with her. He seemed surprised by the whole thing and it's the first time in 2 months he's seen me cry so he knew I was upset. To make matters worse, the minute my guy comes back, she's all chipper and chatty cathy again to him. It just sucked really bad. I pretty much pegged her as highly insecure and VERY needy of being accepted by the "guys". On the way to the car the guys were talking about how disappointed they were that their other newly married friend stayed home on request from his wife (good for him!). So, the guys were talking about how they were going to give him a hard time at the gym on monday for being "whipped" and this chick as far as I'm concerned proceeded to perform the ultimate woman betrayal and starts joining the guys in dissing this wife and I was watching her and it's like she needed to make sure she was "with them" and needed a laugh from them for being "such a cool chick". I spoke up after being quiet for the last hour and said, "gee, I feel I need to stick up for Alexis (The wife)" and it got quiet. I then told my boyfriend, "wow..imagine a man who might prefer his wife to a night out with his buddies..unimaginable"
I confronted my boyfriend about the whole night and how this chick has treated me since day one and how if he opts to choose her over me then we have serious problems. I also said that although I am his girlfriend, I am A PERSON FIRST and I won't subject myself to being around people who don't give a care about who I am and who don't make me feel wanted or valued.
WHat would you do?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: popeyesgal
Sun, 12-11-2005 - 10:09pm

If it were me, I'd recognize her as insecure and in need of acceptance just like you did.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: popeyesgal
Mon, 12-12-2005 - 5:30pm

While she hasn't engaged you in conversation, you didn't say if you have been trying to engage her in conversation, asking what she does for a living, etc.....

As for your boyfriends attitude - this is the 'clue':

"because she's high maintenance and he wanted to make sure she liked the restauarnt he chose"

Why is he the one doing the maintenance if she's NOT his girlfriend??

I agree with the other reply you got, does seem like the two of you are on the same page. He will ALWAYS value his friends as family and if it doesn't fit with what you need or want in a relationship, then it's not the right relationship for you.

Sorry you have to go through this.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2005
In reply to: popeyesgal
Mon, 12-12-2005 - 6:34pm
Hunny I think you handled things perfectly. Guy time is great and well....we have to accept it but time between you two should be more important to him if he wants to make you his family, and you shouldve grabbed that bitch by her hair and let her know whats up cuz it sounds to me more like she could be crushin on ur man.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
In reply to: popeyesgal
Mon, 12-12-2005 - 10:58pm

wow- how old is that girl, 5???

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
In reply to: popeyesgal
Tue, 12-13-2005 - 8:23pm
thank you all for your very kind and helpful feedback.
The update is this: we almost broke up over that stressful event. I was sick by how it all went down. It seemed to take him a long time to fully appreciate how unbelievably rude this chick has been to me. When I decided to break it off (regretfully because I could totally love this guy) we ended up having a very long talk about where exactly a wife and kids would rate in relationship to his friends and if his need to be their caretaker is so great that I would end up getting the short end of the stick. I don't ever want to sit at a dinner table next to another man's girlfriend wondering why my love is feeling responsible for her. I just can't do that. I need to be first with the one I choose to give myself to in that way.
He didn't want to break up at all and said he wants me to give him a chance to make things better. He is now at least very well aware of my triggers and my feelings about this witch. He has finally come to understand that it is not my responsibility or my fault in any way for the way things went down that night. Hopefully his eyes are a little more open to how "not cool" this girl really is and how she's a phony. He has told me that she is not his good friend, merely his friend's girl and should they break up tomorrow he'll have no interest or need to ever speak to her again.
Now, as far as crushing on him, that could very well be. She certainly flirts with him but it could be that she's like that with all guys- I'm not sure. I know she made money at one point in a profession where women rely on their abilities to engage and flirt with men. So, it could be that she is just that kind of person, and very insecure. I'm sad for her really. But EXTREMELY cautious.
My guy and I ended up deciding to stay together, which was quite a mountain to climb. I've decided that while I can be the bigger person here and tolerate her presence if I have to, I will do that only when I am ready and when things aren't so fresh as they are now. He has already mentioned another movie this Friday he wants me to go to and I know she'll be there. As much as I'd like the movie, I'm not calm enough about her yet to want to be near her without planting my fist in her face. So, I choose not to go. We'll see if my guy truly understands or if he tries to pressure me into going. If he does, I'm done once and for all because it shows he doesn't really love me enough to make my own decisions about what's right for me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: popeyesgal
Tue, 12-13-2005 - 11:47pm

I also agree with Firstamendment and Itwinflame on all counts, the girl and the "clue" about your boyfriend. Another clue I picked up is his attitude about where wives fit into the picture. Apparently to be a partner and be willing to give and take is unacceptable when it comes to being flexible about time with the guys? It seems to clearly say that no matter what, any woman he's with comes second and always will. Based on what you've said, I don't think that's the kind of relationship you're looking for.


I also think that it's perfectly understandable that you'd blow under the conditions you've been dealing with. I would very possibly done the same thing. But, for my personality it would have signaled the end of the line, or getting close to it. Maybe that's true for you too? The fact that you feel the way you do about his interactions with this girl would indicate that he's not a good match for you. If I read you right it sounds like his stand is one that suggests if you aren't "approved" by the gang (accepted and liked by them) you're out. In his world, there is no "you are free to have your friends and I'm free to have mine" kind of generally acceptance and autonomy. That also suggests you are the #2 priority behind the friends. It sounds like you tend to think a more healthy way, that you have friends and aren't in need of more for the sake of "fitting in". You sure you want to be a part of this guy's world? Seems like it's a little narrow and has a lot of rules.....







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown









"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: popeyesgal
Wed, 12-14-2005 - 12:04am

Take it slow and be watchful. He wanting you to give him "a chance to make things better" is a red flag to me. It would be different if he'd recognized he had been wrong and apologized for his behavior, but asking for a chance to make things better sounds more like sidestepping adult responsibility and instead trying to change his behavior (personality) to please you. That may work for a while, but in the long run he'll be back to who he truly is. I think the fact that he was happily dissing his married friend being "whipped" and the fact that he falls all over this girl indicate pretty clearly who he really is and what his personality is. Two months is a very short time to be in a relationship, you've seen some very definite things that aren't acceptable already; it's quite likely there's more on the negative side to come. Also, at 36, his behavior seems pretty immature, more like a guy in his early 20's.


I hope I'm wrong and I don't mean to throw water on you, but I felt like you should know what my thoughts and reservations were.


Good luck! ~







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown









"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
In reply to: popeyesgal
Wed, 12-14-2005 - 3:28am

Regarding this upcoming movie event, I'm concerned about him choosing to go with this friends while knowing that you're too uncomfortable to go because a member of the group is not making you welcome. In short, it sounds like he really doesn't understand (or want to understand) just how unwelcome you feel. And just how rude his friends are. Let's face it: it's not just the girl, but also his mate who brings her along who's at fault here. At the very least, your b/f should speak to his mate and ask him to tell her to pull her head in.

Thinking back to something in my past: my DH had a mate who's wife I disliked. She was a whining pain in the butt...and when they were guests at our home, she and her husband had a habit of arguing in front of us. (Totally unacceptable IMO) I told my DH that while I would not ask him to stop inviting them, I would prefer to go elsewhere while they were visiting. DH told me that it would be too rude for me to leave and insisted that I stay. I told him again how much I disliked this woman and their behaviour but he basically expected me to put up with the behaviour.

Anyway, they come over and yet again she whines and whines. I tolerated. Then she went out for a cigarette and when coming back inside, she said "Oh, and another thing...." and continued on with her whining. And I lost my temper and gave her a loooong mouthful about being a whining pain in the butt. For the record, I rarely loose my temper (I've never lost my temper with DH in the 13 years we've been together) but when I do....it's HUGE.

The night was soon over and they went home. And we've never heard from them since. And my DH has never chastised me for my behaviour towards his mate and the wife. I suppose that he realises that he should have listened to me and taken me more seriously.

What I suppose I'm getting at is: If he was to continue inviting you out with his friends with the full knowledge that one of them treated you badly - and you lost your temper with her - what would your boyfriend do? Would he understand or dump you? There-in lies your answer to what you should do here.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
In reply to: popeyesgal
Wed, 12-14-2005 - 9:20pm

OH my gosh, now I'm more confused than ever.

I'm not sure I put out the full story because my BF is getting pretty blasted. For the record, he phoned his friends and told them he did not want to attend the movie this weekend and instead will be spending the evening with me. He has not pressured me to attend and listened to me when I told him that I'll re-engage with this couple if and when I feel better about it. HE is okay with that. I told him that at our age it is not normal to determine a relationship based on friends or family for that matter- we're supposed to be more mature than that. Yes, however, I do agree that his behavior with his friends is pretty juvenile. He readily admits this. Nobody in this "group" has kids yet and so I think they are all kind of stuck in adolescence in some respect since they haven't had to deal with the realities of being responsible for other humans. I have a feeling it'll all change pretty rapidly when that happens. But, anyway, that's not my problem. It's part of his personality to be young. He's very young at heart and goes to disneyland at least once/year. HE is also wonderful with kids for this reason and so that is one of the things I love about him. But I know you have to give and take and weigh what is most important and which battles you want to fight in a relationship.

I am being very cautious about stepping back into this with him but I'm so torn at this point. He is great to me in so many ways and he is such a caring man; something that doesn't come by everyday. If I thought his behavior last weekend was malicious in any way, this would've been over that same night. He was clueless and had no idea how I was perceiving all of it. Now that he knows, he is being given a chance to be more sensitive. If he does feed into that girls' attention-getting stuff again, and I feel like crap, I'll walk away. I am cautious.
It's hard for me especially because I have only one brother and no close friends here where I live. So, I don't have that great network of friends like he does, so of course we find ourselves spending more time around "his" people. BUT, that being said, he has stated several times that he wishes I would plan more stuff with people I know and when my mom visited last month he couldn't wait to meet her and jumped on it. So, it's not like he is all about "his" people, it's just that I don't seem to have all that much to invite him to and my brother and his girlfriend (my only family and true friends here) aren't acting too interested in getting together with him.

Something in my heart is telling me to stick to this for now. If I'm wrong, I'll find out one way or the other.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: popeyesgal
Fri, 12-16-2005 - 2:19am

That's okay, it's still early in the relationship and you don't have to be 100% sure that he's the right guy.

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