3rd wheel?
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3rd wheel?
| Sun, 12-11-2005 - 11:22am |
Hi all.
This is my first time to this message board, though I did spend a lot of time on the breakup board 9 months ago. Well, I'm with someone new and we've been dating for two very intense months. It got pretty serious pretty quick, partly due I think to our age (I'm 30, he's 36) and both looking for marriage ultimately. Anyhow, here's the issue I'm hoping you will weigh in on: My boyfriend's parents are both deceased and he has only one sibling who lives in another state. Therefore, his "family" is his friends. He cherishes his relationships with his guy friends and is very loyal to them and he truly feels that they are his family and "all he has". For this reason, it is important to him that whoever he is with is able to blend in to his support system and be part of his life in that way. All of his guy friends have wives and/or longterm girlfriends. So, they are all pretty established in their group. They do a lot of things together. I am definitely the newbie and thus am of course wanting to feel welcomed and liked. I have made a lot of effort to attend functions he invites me to where other couples are involved because I know it's important to him. Now, I'm 30 and I have an established support system as well, though unfortunately my family and friends are long distance and so he isn't really being asked to blend with them; I'm not in need of new friends nor do I feel a need to "fit in at all costs" so that I will have new friends.
There is one of his friends in particular who has a girlfriend of two years. She's younger than me. It's clear my boyfriend thinks she's very cool and he's known her for two years now. They've spent a lot of time together. He makes a point telling me how she attends all of the softball games the guys have (it's huge for him) and how she even goes to strip clubs with her boyfriend and is "one of the guys". Basically, putting her up as girlfriend of the year. Whatever! Anyway, on the last three occasions that I've hung out with this chick she has made ZERO effort to engage me in conversation, hasn't asked me anything about myself, hasn't done ANYTHING to try to make me feel welcome or friendly in anyway. She chats it up with my boyfriend incessantly and laughs at everything he says. I kept it to myself the first few times but last night it all blew up. We met up for dinner and once again she doesn't bother to talk to me. My boyfriend gives her a lot of attention at dinner making sure she is enjoying her meal(he tells me after the fact when I confronted him about it that it's because she's high maintenance and he wanted to make sure she liked the restauarnt he chose). For some reason "high maintenance" doesn't seem to go with a girl who is "one of the guys" right? So which is it???
Anyway, at the hockey game our boyfriends left to get food and I decided to not make an effort to talk to her and see as a test if she would finally try to talk to me. NOTHING!!!! When my guy came back I couldn't hold back the tears and I told him that I was pretty much done trying with her. He seemed surprised by the whole thing and it's the first time in 2 months he's seen me cry so he knew I was upset. To make matters worse, the minute my guy comes back, she's all chipper and chatty cathy again to him. It just sucked really bad. I pretty much pegged her as highly insecure and VERY needy of being accepted by the "guys". On the way to the car the guys were talking about how disappointed they were that their other newly married friend stayed home on request from his wife (good for him!). So, the guys were talking about how they were going to give him a hard time at the gym on monday for being "whipped" and this chick as far as I'm concerned proceeded to perform the ultimate woman betrayal and starts joining the guys in dissing this wife and I was watching her and it's like she needed to make sure she was "with them" and needed a laugh from them for being "such a cool chick". I spoke up after being quiet for the last hour and said, "gee, I feel I need to stick up for Alexis (The wife)" and it got quiet. I then told my boyfriend, "wow..imagine a man who might prefer his wife to a night out with his buddies..unimaginable"
I confronted my boyfriend about the whole night and how this chick has treated me since day one and how if he opts to choose her over me then we have serious problems. I also said that although I am his girlfriend, I am A PERSON FIRST and I won't subject myself to being around people who don't give a care about who I am and who don't make me feel wanted or valued.
WHat would you do?
This is my first time to this message board, though I did spend a lot of time on the breakup board 9 months ago. Well, I'm with someone new and we've been dating for two very intense months. It got pretty serious pretty quick, partly due I think to our age (I'm 30, he's 36) and both looking for marriage ultimately. Anyhow, here's the issue I'm hoping you will weigh in on: My boyfriend's parents are both deceased and he has only one sibling who lives in another state. Therefore, his "family" is his friends. He cherishes his relationships with his guy friends and is very loyal to them and he truly feels that they are his family and "all he has". For this reason, it is important to him that whoever he is with is able to blend in to his support system and be part of his life in that way. All of his guy friends have wives and/or longterm girlfriends. So, they are all pretty established in their group. They do a lot of things together. I am definitely the newbie and thus am of course wanting to feel welcomed and liked. I have made a lot of effort to attend functions he invites me to where other couples are involved because I know it's important to him. Now, I'm 30 and I have an established support system as well, though unfortunately my family and friends are long distance and so he isn't really being asked to blend with them; I'm not in need of new friends nor do I feel a need to "fit in at all costs" so that I will have new friends.
There is one of his friends in particular who has a girlfriend of two years. She's younger than me. It's clear my boyfriend thinks she's very cool and he's known her for two years now. They've spent a lot of time together. He makes a point telling me how she attends all of the softball games the guys have (it's huge for him) and how she even goes to strip clubs with her boyfriend and is "one of the guys". Basically, putting her up as girlfriend of the year. Whatever! Anyway, on the last three occasions that I've hung out with this chick she has made ZERO effort to engage me in conversation, hasn't asked me anything about myself, hasn't done ANYTHING to try to make me feel welcome or friendly in anyway. She chats it up with my boyfriend incessantly and laughs at everything he says. I kept it to myself the first few times but last night it all blew up. We met up for dinner and once again she doesn't bother to talk to me. My boyfriend gives her a lot of attention at dinner making sure she is enjoying her meal(he tells me after the fact when I confronted him about it that it's because she's high maintenance and he wanted to make sure she liked the restauarnt he chose). For some reason "high maintenance" doesn't seem to go with a girl who is "one of the guys" right? So which is it???
Anyway, at the hockey game our boyfriends left to get food and I decided to not make an effort to talk to her and see as a test if she would finally try to talk to me. NOTHING!!!! When my guy came back I couldn't hold back the tears and I told him that I was pretty much done trying with her. He seemed surprised by the whole thing and it's the first time in 2 months he's seen me cry so he knew I was upset. To make matters worse, the minute my guy comes back, she's all chipper and chatty cathy again to him. It just sucked really bad. I pretty much pegged her as highly insecure and VERY needy of being accepted by the "guys". On the way to the car the guys were talking about how disappointed they were that their other newly married friend stayed home on request from his wife (good for him!). So, the guys were talking about how they were going to give him a hard time at the gym on monday for being "whipped" and this chick as far as I'm concerned proceeded to perform the ultimate woman betrayal and starts joining the guys in dissing this wife and I was watching her and it's like she needed to make sure she was "with them" and needed a laugh from them for being "such a cool chick". I spoke up after being quiet for the last hour and said, "gee, I feel I need to stick up for Alexis (The wife)" and it got quiet. I then told my boyfriend, "wow..imagine a man who might prefer his wife to a night out with his buddies..unimaginable"
I confronted my boyfriend about the whole night and how this chick has treated me since day one and how if he opts to choose her over me then we have serious problems. I also said that although I am his girlfriend, I am A PERSON FIRST and I won't subject myself to being around people who don't give a care about who I am and who don't make me feel wanted or valued.
WHat would you do?

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Thank you again
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