4 yrs., no ring, problems w/brotherIL
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| Thu, 07-27-2006 - 2:19pm |
Hi,
I have been with my boyfriend for over 4 years and we have a good relationship. We have our issues and up and downs but I have decided that I would like to take it further.
Whenever I bring it up, he gets annoyed or mad or tells me the reasons he isn't ready or mainly, what I am doing wrong. We live together. He talks about having kids in a few years but he never talks about marriage.
So, his brother (who is a whole other issue) has been w/his gf for barely 2 years. He is older by 2 years and she is younger than me by 3 years.
Me = 28
My bF = 31
Brother = 33
His GF = 25
Anyhow, I have always thought to myself that if they get engaged first, I will be devastated. Not because they are engaged but because it will make me look at my bf and our relationship as "what's wrong, why the hold up". My BF and his brother have a very weird but tight relationship and I know that he was waiting for his brother to get engaged first. His brother is older and should according to him, do mainly everything first.
So needless to say, I brought up our future last night and asked for a ball park or at least what he was thinking. He then said oh, my brother and his gf are engaged. He has known for months that it was going to happen but didn't tell me b/c I would get mad, according to him. But telling me 3 days before they return from their vaca where they got engaged, while we are talking about us????
So, I am devastated and don't know what to do b/c further in the conversation he had the balls to say reasons were financial (not true, he is partners w/his brother and he just bought his gf a BMW X5, trip to Brazil & a Cartier ring all in 3 months), we argue (good reason but either poo or get off the pot), and that he isn't going to propose for a long time.
I cried all night - not in front of him. What do I do now other than think for a couple weeks of what I want to do?

Welcome back, Tigerlilybumbleb ~ Because I'm at work I'm not able to read or respond to your post, but I peeked in and of course recognized your name. I wanted to provide the link to your previous post so that others have the benefit of better understanding and insight of your relationship and, as a result are better able to give you informed thoughts and opinions.
How to stop fighting (dirty)- help!
3 years and questioning future
Many posters find it very helpful to re-read their old posts, in doing so they can often recognize growth - or lack of it in their relationship and often see their issues more clearly as they aren't in the middle of the emotion as they were when they posted them originally. I hope they help you, too.
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Tiger, based on your previous posts, I'd say your relationship isn't "good" and from what you've said here, it doesn't sound like much has changed, you're still frustrated and dissatisfied, and he's still focusing on what you're doing wrong - not healthy or signs of a good relationship. Did you read your previous posts? What's changed? Do you really want to live like this for the rest of your life?
Forgetting the past, I can tell you this. Your boyfriend is being pretty clear. He brings up children, but never marriage. He gets annoyed or mad or changes the subject to what you're doing wrong (an avoidance technique - making you defend yourself instead of talking about marriage). He doesn't want to get married. Based on your description of your reaction, I'd say he was probably honest about not telling you about his brother's engagement because of what he expected your reaction would be. What his brother does or doesn't do has no reflection on your relationship. People get married when they're ready -- IF they're ready not because they've been in a relationship longer, their brother's getting married or anything else. Marriage is based solely on the couple who's doing it, no one else enters in.
You know where you stand, you know he's not ready and you know if it comes, it won't be for a very long time. Those are facts. He's perfectly happy with things as they are. The ball's in your court, you're the one who's not satisfied, you know the facts, you're the one who needs to either poo or get off the pot, not him. Frankly, I think you'd be wise to move on so you can meet a guy who you can have a healthy, happy, respectful relationship with and who is interested in marriage and sooner rather than "someday".
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Hi Tigerlilybumbleb;
Couple of thoughts....first you have got to stop comparing and analying yourself and your relationship in terms of others. This is a never ending process and you will always find a lack of satisfaction.....you can make almost and set of circumstances look good or bad and you choose bad. For exmaple....why not view it as....we have dated longer cause we are more mature and are going to make a good decision...they are jumping into marriage without really knowing each other....and that is risky. See what I mean. Or how about the ring that he bought her was so over the top he she must be a gold digger or maybe he is trying to compensate for the fact that he knows the relationship is on shaky footing...or maybe he is arrogant and is just showing off...or maybe he is really bad at managing money....would you want the ring and have any of these things be true. S-T-O-P. Don't spend another minute playing this game.
My other thought is that this guy has you right where he wants you....you are his serious girlfriend, he is getting what he wants, and he does not see marriage as something he wants....he has other proiorities and also appears obsessed with what others are doing (or maybe this is just part of his excuse). He can tell you whatever...even mention babies once and awhile, and you just keep hanging in there. It is all about what he wants.
You need to decide what you want, truly feel you deserve it (get therapy if this is part of the issue), and then go about getting it. If this guy doesn't fit the plan then don't waste time on him when you could be finding someone that does. After 4 years this may seem hard to imagine, true, but how hard is it gonna be at 6 years and/or 8 years.
Have you heard about the boiled frog???? If you take a frog and you throw him in a pot of boiling water, he will jump out. If you put him in a pot of cool water and then turn on the stove and heat the water slowly he will stay there until the water boils and he dies from the heat......this is your guy's strategy. Days become weeks, weeks become years, and ......
Best of luck to you....you deserve to be with someone that loves you, respects you, and wants more than anything to be your husband. P.
You said that you have been with your bf for 4 years, have a generally good relationship and live together. *bangs head against wall*. WHY PUSH YOUR LUCK???? What is this all-consuming need to get engaged, to get married, to have children?? You are 28, not 38! Why ruin a good thing that you have by pestering, by pressuring, by creating a conflict where there isn't any? Being jealous of his brother and the brother's engagement to his gf is totally and completely childish and unreasonable, let alone 'crying all night' about it.. If you are determined to marry and have kids very soon then I believe you are with a wrong person. He is with you, he is content with what you two have, he does not want to change anything and what is so terrible about that?? In this day and age it is practically a miracle to even find a long term partner! Have a look at 'Singles' boards and read some posts from stunning, intelligent, educated and all around perfect women who spend year after frustrating year looking for someone to share their lives with..
My boyfriend is 39; I am 36; we have been together for almost 2.5 years and have an all around fantastic relationship; I refuse to even entertain the possibility of moving in with him; I am completely opposed to the whole idea of marriage so that is obviously out of the queistion. We are very very happy; I don't want anything to be any different. Why would I?
Bottom line is, if you want to stay in this relationship, just drop the subject all together, drop the 'future' talk, give him space, let him be himself, don't push, don't force him to be what he's not, just let him be! If marriage is THAT important to you, you have to decide whether you want to stay with your boyfriend at all.
Edited to add that I haven't read your previous posts and did not realise there were serious problems with your relationship. That doesn't however change my general opinion that if it ain't broke, why fix it in relation to the obsession with the whole 'marriage, 2.5 kids and a dog' thing.
Edited 7/28/2006 7:56 am ET by twinsister70
tigerlily -
if nothing's changed since you posted last year, and you were so miserable then, why are you still hanging around? you deserve better than how's he treating you. read 2nd-life's response to you from last year 600 times if you need to, to realize how happy you could be. no woman should be talked to like that. well, no person, period.
so i'm totally thrown on why you would want to get married to this guy....???
problems aside, a guy who says he doesn't wanna get married - DOES NOT WANT TO GET MARRIED. at least to you anyway, or at this time. sorry that's harsh, but if that's what he's made clear, why doubt it and why waste your time? my college friend finally ended a 6 yr relationship w/ her bf a month ago, because he didn't want to get married. divorce-phobic was his excuse. but like your bf he loves kids too and was great with them. but he always told my friend that he didn't want to get married, but i guess she felt he'd change his feelings. guess what? didn't happen! and i could have told her a million times that he would never change, but she wouldn't have heard it, so i didn't say anything.
my SIL - same story. 5 years waiting for a ring that would never come. except she's nearly 33, while my friend and i are only 27 - your age. please don't think that you're too old to "start over." you've got plenty of time.
but way more importantly than all that is you need to get some help in dealing with why you put up w/ a guy who as much of an A-hole as your bf is. seriously. if ya'll did get married, it would probably be worse. and would you want to bring up your future children showing them that this is how a man treats his wife? do you really want to do that to them? do you think it would be any easier to leave then?
you know what you want. you know you're not happy. your bf's said he's not going to give you what you want (marriage). he sure doesn't treat you how you deserve to be treated.
he's NOT the right guy for you. time to move on. there's a guy out there for you that will treat you like royalty, and will want to get married and have kids w/ you - all the things you DO want, but you're not gonna find him so long as you stay miserable w/ this guy.
anna
you write: :Anyhow, I have always thought to myself that if they get engaged first, I will be devastated. Not because they are engaged but because it will make me look at my bf and our relationship as "what's wrong, why the hold up". "
That situation isn't making you do anything:
Thanks for all those who took the time to post. Looking back at old posts I had done made me think and also see some things had changed for the better and some had not changed at all. Also, giving myself a weekend to chill (at a wedding in Maine) I can also look back to last week.
I can see much of my issue has to do with things not involving "marriage". I can blow things up a little and sometimes react quickly, like when I post thing here :)
My plan is to wait a few months, see what happens and "talk" to him about our future again. We'll see how it goes. I think it the middle of a heated discussion is not the best time to discuss getting engaged, mistake on my part.
Anyhow, thanks for the insight, advice and opinions. Some were more helpful than others. I am going to take advice from those who believe in marriage since I do as well. I'm 27 and not an old maid yet and not afraid to be single. I believe I am smart, ask advice from others, and my therapist, and make smart decisions. I don't want to do anything rash and will make my decision when I have had more time to think about what is going on in my heart and head (and my bf's) rather than what is brother is doing. Organecuse44, you made this point very well. Thanks!