Accused of cheating!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2008
Accused of cheating!
10
Sun, 01-24-2010 - 9:24pm
I have been with my fiance for nearly 3 years. It will be 3 years in April. We will have been engaged a year in April as well. Last night we attempted to have sex. He was barely in me for like a second and pulled out in disgust. Then he asked why I wasn't tight and flat out said "Are you cheating on me? Cause if you are just tell me!" I have never cheated! I don't even masturbate! He has commented that I don't seem tight on other occasions as well. I don't get it. I really don't. I have done nothing. :-(
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sun, 01-24-2010 - 9:56pm

Is this the same boyfriend you write about here:http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlcouplescou/?msg=11450.1 ?

How did your previous issues work out?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
Sun, 01-24-2010 - 10:10pm

have you asked him if his penis shrunk?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Sun, 01-24-2010 - 10:13pm

He has a very, very poor concept of female anatomy.

I think he really wants to believe you're cheating on him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2008
Sun, 01-24-2010 - 10:22pm
Yes, geoteo it is the same boyfriend. I think all previous issues have been worked out. I took a month off from work in February of last year and when I returned from my leave I basically went in and quit my job since I had found another one while on leave. My insomnia has pretty much disappeared. Well maybe not completely. It peaks on my nights off but I am able to control it on work nights. I think my last job was just aggravating my insomnia. With my new job schedule my boyfriend and I only share 1 day off together. And usually everyday we both take some me time. We both go in separate rooms and just do our own thing for as little as an hour at least or more.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Mon, 01-25-2010 - 1:01am
Could be he's cheating himself. I've often heard that when your S.O. accuses you of cheating, it often means they are themselves cheating and they often deflect their own guilt on you. I think you should ask him if his penis shrunk too. LOL
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2008
Mon, 01-25-2010 - 1:30am

Well right now he feels really bad about it. And is trying to be all sweet to me. Right now we're just acting normal but I can't say I'm ready to have makeup sex or anything. We've been having our "me" time this evening. Me on the computer on the internet and watching movies on my laptop and him playing video games. We made and ate dinner together though. And went out for breakfast and grocery shopping earlier.

I think it's highly unlikely that he's cheating. I get off work before him so I'm usually home first and he comes straight home. There is only 1 day a week that he has off that I work and yeah a lot could happen 1 day a week in those 8 hours but I really don't think so. The past few weeks he's met me for lunch twice on my lunch break and traded cars with me to take my car for some maintenance. He can't lie to me about being at work if he's not or what even happens there because I know too many people (including my best friend that I got a job there) since I used to work there.

I asked him if he was cheating when we had our little argument last night just to humor us both. And he said please tell him he has nothing to worry about and that if I did meet somebody that I promise to break up with him before anything happens. I reassured him and told him I didn't buy a wedding dress for nothing.

He claims that the thought of me cheating crossed his mind because on Tuesday I said maybe I'd cheat on him on Saturday. But what happened was he was talking about going to Olive Garden on his day off with his brother on Weds. and he knows I love Olive Garden too and I said he was restaurant cheating on me and how that wasn't fair. So that's what I meant when I said maybe I would "cheat" on him on Saturday, I meant restaurant cheat. Since he works and I have that day off.

This is all very weird and I don't know what to make of it now that it's the next day...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-25-2010 - 1:55am
Thanks, Geo!













"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

~ Author unknown


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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-25-2010 - 2:17am
Just based on what you've said, I take it this is very unusual behavior, Namae? Has he accused you before, voiced concerns or suggested you might be cheating ever? If the answer is "no", I would absolutely talk to him about it in the next day or two. That should give you both enough time for it to have gone by to be able to talk about it more objectively and with less emotion getting in the way. I would ask him why he would suggest such a thing and what made him think it was even a possibility. I agree you should remind him that penis size could be the issue; perhaps he wasn't as fully erect as usual. But when/if you do, be careful not to say it in a "get you back" kind of way.

I think this really needs some explanation and understanding. If there are concerns on his part they need to be addressed and cleared up. If there aren't, his behavior needs to be the reason he'd say such a thing needs to be addressed, and he needs to know how much an accusation like this hurts and damages the relationship -- it's not like you can just wipe the memory of the whole incident out of your head, it's in there, and it's upsetting.












"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

~ Author unknown


Photobucket











"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2008
Mon, 01-25-2010 - 10:33pm

2nd life he has never accused me before but has commented before that I don't feel tight with sort of an attitude in a way that insinuates it's my fault the sex isn't happening. That's only happened a couple times but I certainly got mad at him for it! We had some makeup sex. I kept saying no for a long time but he finally seduced me. I think he was very intent on making it up to me. Then afterwards I said "Did you have fun?" And made an insinuation to the effect of unlike last time. And then threw in the idea of maybe he was not fully erect that time. And surprisingly he calmly said "Yes, that's what I was thinking is maybe what happened."

Because we obviously did not have that problem with the makeup sex. And so I was asking why he flipped out and he just shrugged. And I said "Because it couldn't possibly be you right?" And he said isn't it better he said something than nothing at all and addressed the issue. And I said he did not address the correct issue first of all and that he first commented that I wasn't tight followed by the accusation of me cheating so how was I supposed to feel and react? He apologized. He apologized tons the night it happened to but I was so mad and upset with him I wasn't having it. So I guess we're good... although you're right, I'm never gonna get what happened out of my head.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-26-2010 - 1:46am
Personally I would hardly say you're good, Namae. A shrug as a response as to why he'd say something like that isn't good at all. It doesn't emote regret, or suggest that he's upset with himself that he wouldn't do it again. Further, his thinking that him saying it was a good thing because it got to the real issue shows and incredible lack of basic basic respect, understanding and empathy, never mind communication.
With his thinking and behavior, I'd say you're only "good" until he does it - or something very much like it again.

Personally, all that, along with the fact that he's insinuated you're at fault when sex isn't what he thinks it should be before raise some concerning red flags.












"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

~ Author unknown


Photobucket











"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"