Find a Conversation
|Thu, 05-23-2013 - 2:33am|
This might be a little long, but please bear with me! Any advice would help because I am literally losing sleep over it. Here's my situation: I fell in love with my neighbor since childhood when I was about 20; since then we dated (it was on and off because he was in the military). We began getting serious when I was about 22 and he was out of the service, so we decided to move to another state that had more job opportunities for him and better weather..it was really my idea. Anyway, we get there and me, being the social person I am began meeting new people from the very first day. He has always been quiet and reserved, and generally negative towards meeting new people, something I couldn't stand but I wouldn't let it stop me from socializing and I'd go out anyway.
When one of my girlfriends came to visit, she introduced me to a friend..little did I know I would wind up falling for him, and hard. When me and "Joe" first started talking, I was still with my boyfriend. He was completely obsessed with me. He knew I wasn't single, but he'd get me flowers, he's post love songs on my Facebook wall, he'd text me constantly..and oddly enough I began to become fascinated with him. He was one of the happiest, most outgoing guys I had ever known and his smile would light up a room. Everyone loved him--he was the complete opposite of my boyfriend who my friends found to be irritable and possessive. I began to seriously consider leaving my boyfriend for him, but I knew I couldn't just leave as he would be crushed and feel completely alone in a state that I had him move to. So I decided to just wait until our lease was up in a few months and then I'd find a way to break it off.
I began to secretly see Joe and go out dancing with him; I told him how much I wanted to be with him but the situation made it impossible to leave my boyfriend. He was not right emotionally and had many symptoms of PTSD--including angry outbursts in which he would punch holes in the wall and damage things. Well, come to find out I was 9 weeks pregnant with my boyfriend's baby. When I found out, I was in utter shock. I had gone to the Dr. with a bad cold and was taking antibiotics, they ran blood tests and called me about 2 days later telling me I was pregnant. I completely freaked. I just wanted out of the entire situation. I called up my parents and said I needed to come home, and I traveled back home to be able to think about everything away from everyone.
My boyfriend was not supportive at all during my pregnancy, in fact Joe was more supportive than my boyfriend. I decided that since I was keeping the baby, I would try and work things out with my boyfriend. I convinced myself that we could make this work and I was committed to it. We had a beautiful baby girl and immediately he was in love with her. He is really a great dad--it has been two years and I have to say I'm impressed with how great he is with his daughter. He has a really good job and is an excellent provider; it has allowed me to stay at home with our daughter. A year after she was born, I was still thinking about Joe. No matter what I just couldn't seem to get him out of my mind, and it was driving me crazy. I decided me and my boyfriend should go and get married-- as if things would change and I would forget about Joe.
I had my reservations, though. I knew my boyfriend's PTSD issues, but I hoped that he would resolve them. I knew that occasionally he would get very upset and scare my daughter by acting in a completely psychotic manner..yelling, cursing, punching holes in the wall, overall trying to intimidate me. But I was never intimidated; I was angry that he was upsetting our daughter. Well, we have gone through quite a lot since we have been married (almost a year), but nothing was as bad as his most recent outburst. I noticed a pattern; he throws these tantrums right before one of us has to leave for a few days to go somewhere..this just so happened that he had to leave us for two months for training for his job. In about a period of a half hour, he had yelled at me every name in the book in front of our daughter, ripped his shirt off of himself, and tried committing suicide THREE times. They were half-hearted attempts, but still, for a two year old to see those things is not good. He tried slitting his wrists with a knife (and did draw blood) broke a wine glass and tried slitting his throat, then took the knife and cut the cord of the vacuum, went into the garage, where I saw him hanging. It was really ridiculous, the entire thing.
To make matters worse, I am pregnant again. Yay. This past event has really made me wishing it was 3 years ago, so I could have a second chance to do what I hadn't done. Joe is still on my mind; I'm not sure if I am still on his, though. We stopped talking about 3 months ago. I am so confused..counseling does not seem to help my husband, medications did not work.. I'm really at a loss. I am feeling so tempted to just leave and go meet up with Joe and start over. We secretly met up last October. I thought it would give me some sort of closure, but of course it didn't. We went out and had an amazing time just like back in the old days. I am torn because 95% of the time my husband is a great guy and such a good dad. That other 5% though, that really concerns me. Any thoughts/similar experiences? Should I stay? Should I leave? I'm afraid my heart just isn't here anymore, if it was even here to begin with. I'm 26 years old and feel like my life is wasting away..