advice please

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2004
advice please
28
Tue, 11-08-2005 - 9:20am

My DH and I have been together for a little over 4 years and been married for a little over one year.

cl for Ask Fit By Friday
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: ihappy1980
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 11:19am

Ihappy, if he doesn't place the same importance of going to events together I don't think you can take it personally and I don't think it's a reflection of how he views your relationship. He's going to handle situations as he sees fit, as his personality dictates is the "correct" way to deal with them, as we all do in all situations. That being said, as your partner and understanding (I presume you've made your feelings clear) that going to events as a couple is more important to you he should be willing to be understanding of your feelings and be willing to accommodate you; not necessarily always, but certainly sometimes.


I have to say that throughout your postings, I continue to have a huge question mark as to what's really going on in your marriage, I continue to feel that I have anything but an accurate glimpse of what's going on. The more you say the more questions I have. Please know that I'm not trying to make this a painful or frustrating experience for you, but it's hard to offer suggestions and advice when you don't feel like you really have a good understanding of what's going on. I hope you're willing to stick with me/us.


You said your husband assumes since you've said one thing to someone that you share everything with everyone. Why would he assume that? Have you asked him? Have you told him point blank that you do not share everything? Have you pointed out that he shares some things with others so that he can see that he can recognize that he does the same thing?


You said, "I have to keep in mind my DH is very sensitive and his family has had many problems and my DH has been caught up in the middle of a lot of things that had nothing to do with him." I assume you're saying that this is the reason for his hypersensitivity. What kinds of things has he been caught in the middle of? Quite frankly, no you don't have to keep in mind that he's got issues and tip-toe around them. His issues are his issues and catering to them only allows them to continue, sends the message that it's okay to be like this, makes you be dysfunctional in order to cater to and allow his dysfunction to continue. If he's got problems and issues they are his to deal with, not yours. Your job is to be a healthy, appropriate person. Trying to figure out how to be effectively and appropriately dysfunctional to cater to him will drive you nuts; finding the right *wrong* way to act is pretty foreign to most of us! It seems like you're pretty concerned and careful not to be "insensitive" to him, I get the impression you watch what you say very carefully. How does he react to your "insensitivity"? Does he get angry, shut down or what? What happens to make you feel you've got to work so hard not to cause him to feel you've been inappropriate? I assume he feels most of the world is "insensitive", he must get hurt, offended and put out many times by many people during the day. Yet, he has friends, so it appears it doesn't affect his outside relationships, or does it? How does his hypersensitivity carry over to people other than you? Can you give us an example of you being "insensitive" to him and his reaction to it? I assume this was a problem for you throughout your time together, yes?


I could be wrong because you've provided no examples to draw from, but if you're not insensitive, it's not right for your husband to accuse you of it. It would be entirely appropriate for you to say, "I'm sorry that you think so, but I'm not being insensitive. You're being hypersensitive and it's something you need to work through." You're taking his problem as your responsibility and trying to adapt how you behave to live in harmony with his inappropriate behavior. The communication problem isn't yours, it's his. He's the one who should be working on it -- there's nothing you can do about it, it's not your problem; you can't fix it. He's got to learn how to deal with appropriate, healthy behavior and responses, it's not the world's responsibility to try to change to suit him. Make sense?


Ihappy, by trying to adapt your appropriate, healthy behavior to suit his inappropriate, unhealthy behavior you won't fix his problem and won't ever find a way to harmony between the two of you. What you will succeed in doing is thoroughly screw yourself up, lose touch with normal, appropriate behavior and up your anxiety level a zillion times over as you try to find the right "wrong" way to act. You'll wind up with two people who need therapy instead of one.


I hope you'll give me some feedback, answers to my questions and give some examples too, I'd like to have a better understanding of what's going on.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:




Edited 11/9/2005 11:59 am ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: ihappy1980
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 11:29am

I would think if he went to the wedding alone it would be because she chose not to go, he clearly let her know it was her option to attend with him or not. My husband and I do the same kind of thing, we both feel free to be honest about wanting to go to the other's events or not; if my husband doesn't feel like going to a party a friend of mine is throwing he doesn't have to, and if I want to go, I'll attend alone, no big deal. That being said, there are times it's important (to me or him) that we both attend, and if that's the case, we let our feelings be known and ask the other to attend with us. On rare occasions we'd discuss it and decide what happens from there, but almost across the board we'll go along with the other's wishes and go along. Of course, most family functions pretty much dictate that both go, but that's up for discussion on an event-by-event basis.


I agree that he can't live his world based on what others think, unfortunately though, unless he agrees, he will. Not very effectively, happily or comfortably, but unless he wants to change, it's not going to happen.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2004
In reply to: ihappy1980
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 12:55pm

Thanks for pointing that out, he isn't into socializing, when he doesn't the people well.

cl for Ask Fit By Friday
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2004
In reply to: ihappy1980
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 1:10pm

You are right his problems aren't mine, but I try to be there for him.

cl for Ask Fit By Friday
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: ihappy1980
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 2:53pm

The problems that cause him to be hypersensitive are being caught in the middle of a family feud between is brother and his parents? That makes him react badly to you??? How long has this been going on? If that's the situation, when he lashes out at you (which is what I'd assume he's doing) I'd be very quick to tell him not to take his family problems out on me. Dealing with his family directly is appropriate or talking to you about the problem, but accusing you is not okay. When you said you have communication problems, I assumed you meant you always have had those problems, that it's something you've struggled with, but from what you've said I now expect that this is a relatively new situation, is that correct? Again, he can choose to play along and be in the middle or he can bow out and refuse to be a part or a go-between, but to take it out on you is not okay.


"It was a traffic violation and it upsets him, when I remind him to make sure he has someone to drive him home, blah, blah. He gets mad because I am treating him like a child. I have reminded him that he didn't get the phone call at 3am and I pray that he never does. So yes this inmature behavior is a problem for us. I get the impression from my H that I am not to talk about it, but this has called for a lot of headaches, going to court, paying fines, etc....I can't just forget about it, but at the same time I do not rub it in his face, I just have my concerns." ??? I have absolutely no idea what's going on based on what you've said. Traffic violation for what? When you said money issues, I assumed he was spending and put you in money trouble due to spending habits, but a traffic violation doesn't really fit into that category. What 3 a.m. call? Why do you have to remind him to get a ride home? Drunk driving? Is that what you're talking about? It would be really helpful if you could just explain what's going on.


Thinking about it though, you said your issue with him avoiding your friends has been going on for three years, is that how long he's been dealing with his family and taking it out on you?


From my last post:
You said your husband assumes since you've said one thing to someone that you share everything with everyone. Why would he assume that? Have you asked him? Have you told him point blank that you do not share everything? Have you pointed out that he shares some things with others so that he can see that he can recognize that he does the same thing? How does he react to your "insensitivity"? Does he get angry, shut down or what? What happens to make you feel you've got to work so hard not to cause him to feel you've been inappropriate? I assume he feels most of the world is "insensitive", he must get hurt, offended and put out many times by many people during the day. Yet, he has friends, so it appears it doesn't affect his outside relationships, or does it? How does his hypersensitivity carry over to people other than you? Can you give us an example of you being "insensitive" to him and his reaction to it? I assume this was a problem for you throughout your time together, yes?

You said he gets upset when you remind him to get a ride home, but you don't say why, how he reacts or anything. I have to agree, if someone was telling me routinely what I needed to be doing, I would be offended, it is treating him like a child. I'd suggest stop giving him the reminders and letting him pay the consequences for not doing what he needs to do. When you mention citations, court, etc. not only does it sound like a lot more than a simple speeding ticket, but you also say you can't forget about it, which makes me think you bring it up, remind him about it, etc. But, without you telling us that's what's happening we can't really have a clue what's going on.

It's certainly your choice what you share with us and what you don't, but if we can't figure out what's going on and feel like we have a decent snapshot of what's happening in your relationship, we can't begin to offer suggestions that might be helpful.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
In reply to: ihappy1980
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 9:03pm

>>the size of their husband’s penis, etc.<<

Picking my jaw up from the keyboard. Is nothing sacred anymore?

Honestly, I feel that such revelations truly breach the confidence that one partner places in another. With the exception of men who want the world to know that they're hung like a horse, I can't imagine many men feeling that this is an OK thing to share with 'the girls'. I'd hate to think that my DH would discuss my intimate anatomy with the blokes while out on a golf day.

Yes, share your hopes, your dreams and your health problems. However, one should show respect to their partner by keeping some things to themselves.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2005
In reply to: ihappy1980
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 10:13pm

""""I'd hate to think that my DH would discuss my intimate anatomy with the blokes while out on a golf day."""

Don't get your panties in a bunch, sweetie, most men don't talk like that. But a lot of women do;-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
In reply to: ihappy1980
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 11:05pm

>>most men don't talk like that. But a lot of women do<<

Yes, I know that my DH wouldn't discuss this type of thing with his mates. And I show him the same courtesy.

That aside, just because some women do discuss these things...does this make it OK? I think not. I think it's vulgar - not to mention disrespectful to our husbands and boyfriends.




Edited 11/9/2005 11:06 pm ET by iv_aisha2004
Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: ihappy1980
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 11:46pm

Another thing, Ihappy, you can "be there" for your husband to listen and (if he asks) offer suggestions, but you can't resolve this for him, you can't even work on this for him -- it's his issue, he has to deal with it. The more you try to manage things for him the more trouble your relationship will have, the more dysfunctional your relationship will become. Behaving badly towards you isn't something you should tolerate, let alone cater to by tip-toeing. That sets a precident of him being allowed to treat you badly when he's upset or angry and that's not a precident you want to set.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
In reply to: ihappy1980
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 1:00am

A gentle reminder....

Please consider your words carefully before you post - please direct your comments to the topic of the discussion, rather than to personal judgments/comments about individuals who are in the discussion.


If you see posts that you feel are disruptive, please ignore the member and report those posts to iVillage for review.

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