advice please

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2004
advice please
28
Tue, 11-08-2005 - 9:20am

My DH and I have been together for a little over 4 years and been married for a little over one year.

cl for Ask Fit By Friday

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: ihappy1980
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 10:14am

Aisha,

I'm with you there. When I read that, I too was floored. I am one who will talk with a select few (though I am very careful about who) but I would NEVER talk about anything like that. I think it's inappropriate.

Jen




Edited 11/10/2005 10:15 am ET by imasillynut
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2005
In reply to: ihappy1980
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 10:25am
Hi ihappy I have to say that you shouldn't be all hung up and let people snuff you disire to want to communicate about your marrige to your friends.My STBEW is like your husband and thats why I'm divorcing now.She,like your hubby never talked to anyone, the result of this ostrich-like behavior is that she had nobody to gage what other husbands do and don't do. I became a person who did one bad thing after another.Usually my offences were mere annoiances that if open commmication with friends was practiced, she would have learned that all husbands have thieir quirks.Quirks or no quirks its the true person who should be looked at not small glitches that come out in the way of VENTING. It is not like your hubby is a child molester and,the things that you are discussing are things that take place in every relationship.So when you get together at gatherings, your friends look at him as someone that is married to their friend who has about the same everyday problems like them. He is veiwing this open discussion as though you are telling them he is a child molestor or likes to dress up women clothing and go hooking. What make taking to clergy and counselors acceptable and not the woman who bore you or a close friends who has insight and hopefully forthrightness to tell you accurate replies and be honest enough to tell you if you are off your mark.Clergy will send you an you way with a scipture base on marrige that has been used 2000 years ago.Counserlors will quote documantation based on past cases and not be able to give taylored advice... besides they cost $150.00/hr.What counselor would advise noncommunication?So in conclusion,and this come from first hand expieriance from someone who has lived with a person like your hubby and may I add with her for 20years, things will not improve because of his insecurity and unwillingness to socialize and communicate,and so from reading passed messages on this board it seems that the general concensus of the good people of this board when a relationship becomes a challenge or possibly at an impass...LEAVE HIM !!!!!


Edited 11/10/2005 10:42 am ET by bizzzurk
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2003
In reply to: ihappy1980
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 11:37am
Me too. I'm hardly a prude and my girlfriends and I talk about a lot of things, but I've never heard anyone talk about things like the size of their s/o's penis. That's pretty crude. Not to mention TMI!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2005
In reply to: ihappy1980
Fri, 11-11-2005 - 3:41pm
An after thought that I failed to mention in my response to ihappy was, in an open discussion with a friend, who is a woman I asked what I could do to make my wife more receptive to my advances for sex in an attempt to have sex more than once a month. To quell any questions of why I did not just ask my wife that question, I will say that my wife was completely unwilling and uptight to discuss sex openly; therefore, I decided to try and solve my problem with the advice of a close friend. It was my friend’s advice to give my wife a massage, in an attempt to relax and loosen her up. I tried it and to my pleasure(no pun intended) we made love.The following week, I gave her a another massage and to my delight, we followed the massage with more love making. Soon, it became procedure. Now I don’t want you to think that JUST because I massaged my wife I expected sex, because that is not the point. My point is that because of open discussion with a friend about my sex life, it benefited my sex life, as well as hers.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
In reply to: ihappy1980
Fri, 11-11-2005 - 8:40pm
I agree. I've never shared that kind of information with ANYone and I don't know the sizes of my BILs, friend's Hs or BFs and I don't care to. The closest I've ever even come to hearing someone mention 'size' was at a ladies only sex toy party I had at my house. After a few mudslides and winecoolers, my cousin's wife sadly said "You know how they say the shoe size determines it? Well it doesn't, let me tell you!" Her H is 6'8" and has huge feet. We all just laughed as tipsy women do. Because I'm pretty sure she was joking (can't imagine a guy that huge having 4") But that's been the ONLY time. And I would never, EVER talk to anyone that way about H, size, positions, preferences, anything. This society just thinks everything should be public property. Yuck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
In reply to: ihappy1980
Fri, 11-11-2005 - 9:38pm

I don't agree that your marriage would necessarily have been saved if your wife had have discussed issues with her friends. We see many posters who have a fixed idea and no amount of persuasion by others will change their minds. If she had firm beliefs about the way a marriage should be, do you think she would change her mind simply if her friends didn't agree? Do you think that her beliefs were so fickle?

Take porn use for example. Many women accept mild use by their partners. Meanwhile, many other women cannot accept it at all. Neither's point of view is wrong and neither will be swayed simply by a friend's point of view.

I don't know any strong woman who would change her beliefs simply because her friends may not agree with her.




Edited 11/12/2005 6:08 am ET by iv_aisha2004
Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: ihappy1980
Sun, 11-13-2005 - 1:05am

Buzzkirk, in an effort to keep Ihappy1980's post from being hijacked, please see my response to you here:


Bizzzurk - talking about problems







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: ihappy1980
Sun, 11-13-2005 - 1:21am

Buzzkirk, in an effort to keep Ihappy1980's post from being hijacked, please see my response to you here:


Bizzzurk - leave vs. stay









~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:




Edited 11/13/2005 1:26 am ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

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