the affair that never ends

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2006
the affair that never ends
22
Tue, 07-11-2006 - 2:37pm
I recently cheated on my boyfriend of 3 years with a married man. it was a very intense yet short lived affair. very sexually charged. since then the affair has ended and no contact has been made with him for almost 6 monthes...but i can't get it out of my head. it has gotten better but still everytime me and my boyfriend have sex i get angry or frustaited and do not enjoy sex with him, in fact i have pushed him off of me and ran out of the room many time. or i bite my lip and wait for him to finish then i break out in tears. i can't take it. i don't know what to do!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Tue, 07-11-2006 - 6:15pm

Amber, you haven't given us much to go on - so I'll take a stab. Could be totally wrong, so I would appreciate your feedback and some more information on the state of your relationship.

My guess is that your relationship with your boyfriend doesn't fulfill all your needs. Let's face it, if it did fulfill your needs you probably wouldn't have had an affair. And the reason that you are unhappy now is because those underlying issues haven't been addressed. Whatever caused you to seek solace in the arms of another is still an issue.

What do you think?

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-11-2006 - 11:57pm

I was thinking along the same lines as Aisha. It sounds like you haven't been very satisfied in the relationship you have with your boyfriend, correct? What's going on there? What is it about him/the relationship that you're unhappy with? Have you tried to discuss it with him or otherwise resolve it?


I'm really hoping you'll repost with more information, and if we're completely off base, I hope you'll let us know that too.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2006
Wed, 07-12-2006 - 6:40pm

first-thanks for responding

you guys are right, i was not and am not satisfied in the relationship right now and the is why i had the extra relationship. the 'other' guy took care of me and i seem to have to take care of everything with my boyfriend. he does know all about the affair and we are slowly trying to work things out. i just don't know how to get past the sexual part. i dont know why i am not 'interested' in my boyfriend anymore. i love him to death and am trying to the right thing from here on out because he is a wonderful guy. its just when we try to be intamate flashes of the affair run through my mind and then i get angry/frustraited/sad and can't concentrait on me and my boyfriend. i'm over the fact that the affair is over and will never be again and i no longer want to be with the guy. so why can't i be intamate with my boyfriend like i so desperatly want to?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 07-12-2006 - 6:55pm

>>so why can't i be intamate with my boyfriend like i so desperatly want to?!<<

Because a healthy sex life absolutely hinges on things being great outside the bedroom.

Based on personal experience I absolutely concur with the theory that sexual desire for one's partner is strongly linked to having a great relationship. That is; if your needs outside the bedroom aren't getting met, you're not going to want or enjoy sex with your partner.

At this point you need to be focusing on the problems in your relationship. When they are fixed, your sex life will follow suit. However, do be aware that not all problems are fixable - especially if one partner needs to *change* in order to make things better.

So, what's going on in your relationship? In what areas are you unhappy? Are you doing relationship counselling? Go on, give us a novel and tell your story :-)

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2006
Wed, 07-12-2006 - 7:00pm

It sounds like you are quite confused as to exactly what you want, both in the bedroom and with a relationship. Perhaps you should consider backing off of the relationship and being on your own for awhile. If what you have is meant to be, it will still be there. But in the meantime, you should probably explore other possibilities and see if there is a more satisfying situation for you.

People often are so caught up in the fiery excitement of a new sexual relationship that they forget what it is they are looking for. It is very easy to see a powerful sexual experience with someone you don't know that well to be more satisfying than the sexual interplay that comes when two people are committed to each other. The reason is that with a committed relationship, you don't have the divestment to experience sex in a passionate, totally free manner. That's not to say that there are not couples who are able to master that experience, but it takes a very mature relationship to find it.

When you care about someone deeply and share a great deal of your life's experiences with them, you have a bond that goes far beyond sex. You become friends on a level that most people find uncomfortable because they want to feel the thrill of a new partner but become bored after a time because they have to deal with the person at a level that becomes inconvenient. Relationships are hard because they require that you work at it.

And everyone gets past the "honeymoon" stage and discovers that the excitement is gone. But is it really? No, it isn't, but you have to pass onto the next stage of development which requires a level of maturity between both you and your partner. It also requires that you have a good system of communication between you both. From what you describe with your partner "satisfying his needs" and leaving you crying, I would guess that the two of you don't have a very solid communication system going and both of you may not be ready for that next level of development. Time will tell.

Only some very deep soul searching within yourself will reveal what you seek. You have to assess what you know, what you don't know and what you are going to do about it. Counselling would be recommended but there are some people who have the strength to find it on their own. You are the only one who can make that determination about yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 07-12-2006 - 7:44pm

>>The reason is that with a committed relationship, you don't have the divestment to experience sex in a passionate, totally free manner. <<

I've never heard this theory before. Would you mind explaining a little further? Specifically, what do you believe prevents many couples in loving relationships from experiencing amazing sex?

Also, I don't understand the meaning of "divestment" in this context. I looked in online dictionaries and can only find references to selling one's assets or removing something

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2006
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 12:00am
everything that was said makes sense. we are having some problems right now outside the bedroom so its no wonder the inside the bedroom things would be a little 'off'. we just moved in with each other about a month ago. we've dated for 3 years now and had actually taken about a month break a few months ago. (my decision) then i decided and found out the he really is an amazing guy and i've always heard "don't settle for the man you can live with...wait for the man you can't live without". i was miserable without him, so i decided to commit 100% to him and only him. we really are bestfriends (kinda just roomies right now), but we've always been very open about everything. so he knows that i do not enjoy having sex with him and he knows i want him to ''fix it''. im sure thats not fair of me to want him to FIX things though.
i am very unhappy with some things in the relationship right now though. like i said, we just moved into together...he has a brand new truck and other loans which he uses pretty much all of his paychecks on which leaves me to deal with rent, bills, food ect...along side my own debts. thats what really bothers me; i want someone to take care of ME...not the other way around(thats why i loved the affair because the guy took care of EVERYTHING). but bless his soul he tries so very hard! he's trying to get a new job that earns more money and he desperatly wants to make me happy; i don't know why i dont let him make me happy. we used to have so much fun together, but now its mostly fighting (and im pretty sure im the one doing all the yelling). hinde sight i'm sure im gonna look back and think im stupid...i just dont know how to stop doing what im doing.
well thats enough babbeling for now. thanks everyone!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 1:10am

So, if I understand correctly, you feel that you're carrying too much of the financial burden? Now, if your boyfriend's paycheck only covers his debts and don't allow for living expenses, then he's clearly over commited himself.

Were you aware of his financial situation BEFORE you moved in together? If so, did you agree to support him? I suppose I'm wondering why you moved in together when he's not in a situation to be able to support himself.

You also mentioned that you want to be looked after. I assume you mean in the financial sense? Yes, it is nice to be wined and dined, but long term no man will do this and you would be wise to get this idea out of your head. (grin) Once you're in a relationship, you both contribute what you can afford and agree in advance on how it will be spent. Or others choose to keep their money seperate and split the bills either 50/50 or pro rata based on the different incomes. But either way, one of you should not be supporting the other unless it's been agreed upon in advance.

Regarding the yelling. What are you yelling about? What type of things get said by you and by him?

Lastly, other than sexual and financial woes, does the relationship have any other issues?

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 1:35am

Amber, if it's possible, I agree with both Aisha and Phoenix.


Aisha's absolutely right, you can't make your bedroom relationship right until it's right in the other areas. Like Aisha said, "Because a healthy sex life absolutely hinges on things being great outside the bedroom." You've got to fix the areas that aren't satisfactory for you - always taking care of him, for instance; and by "fix" I mean resolve those issues with your boyfriend, as in compromise, working together to make changes in your relationship that will satisfy both of you and make your relationship better and stronger.


I have to say though, that I get the feeling that you're trying so hard to make this right because you feel guilt. I'm wondering, did your affair perhaps make you realize that your relationship with your boyfriend is far from satisfactory for you? If that's the case, you won't be able to go back and pretend you don't know this isn't the right place for you, and staying, no matter how great and nice he is won't make you happy, won't make him happy, won't be fair to either of you and will never make a happy or fulfilling relationship. Staying to "atone for what you did to your great boyfriend" doesn't make sense and won't work. You'll be miserable and you'll both be cheated from being able to have a relationship with someone who cares for you the way we all deserve to be cared about. If you know this isn't the right place for you, leaving is the right thing to do. It'll hurt, and it'll certainly hurt him, but it'll also give him the ability to move forward to the right relationship for him. Because if this is how you feel, no matter what he thinks about you being "perfect" for him you're not. "Perfect" is reciprocated.


If you're not sure how you feel or where you are right now, some time to figure yourself out, on your own, by yourself is called for, as Phoenix suggested.


No matter what your situation is, a therapist to help you deal with your guilt, your confusion and your feelings would be a really good idea and an enormous help to you. You're really hurting.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2006
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 9:39am

When people engage in sex with someone that is new to them, they experience a sense of freedom to try anything they have ever thought about in regard to their sexual satisfaction. The other person doesn't really know them that well and so is not usually surprised by any particular sexual behavior that occurs. There is no thought given to "oh my, what will he think of me for wanting to..." You can be and act in any way that you want to with no mental/emotional/committment investment with the other person and have the complete freedom to try anything that you have ever wondered about. That can be a very powerful and erotic addition to the normal patterns of sexual activity for a person. That is what I mean by divestment. It's kind of like renting a car, you can do anything you want to it and then return it with no worry about what it will cost you (as long as you bought the insurance).

In a relationship however, we tend to fall into certain patterns of sexual behavior. You have found out what turns your partner on, he has done the same with you and you both have an emotional/mental/committment investment in the relationship. You both have expectations of each other, in behavior, what the other person thinks and how sex will be with them. You both know each other's sexual history. And often, because human beings are comfortable with the known, rather than the unknown, we unfortunately take for granted that things will be the same and we repeat those patterns we are comfortable with. When something changes, like one partner coming up with something sexually new, especially if you have been in the relationship for many years, the partner can feel surprised, they can wonder "Why is she doing this? Is there someone else that made her think of this? Am I boring her?" It can also irritate the partner because now their expectations have been denied, they must either participate in this new thing or go through the resultant fallout of saying "hey, I don't want to do that". Change is hard for most people, it is uncomfortable and requires that you think, which most people don't really want to do. They want complacency, consistency and their expectations satisfied.

So many relationships tend do stagnate after many years because people don't want to change and eventually they either decide that they'll just settle for what they've got or worse yet, blame their partner for being boring and decide it's time to move on. There are some couples however, that are more mature, better communicators and have the resolve to work things out. That's when they can get back to spicing up their sex life with new patterns, injecting the freedom to try something they heard about or saw in a movie, to bring back the newness of sex into the relationship. There is no threat, no thought of rejection and no disappointment in being denied their expectations. But BOTH partners must be at this point or there will be friction. BOTH have to be willing to try new things and work at it. It is not easy at all. But if both people are mature, they may find that the gift of satisfaction that comes from all that work is more gratifying, more fulfilling and has brought the two of them to a whole new level of partnering.

Does that answer your question? If not, ask more and I'll tell you what I think.

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