the affair that never ends

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2006
the affair that never ends
22
Tue, 07-11-2006 - 2:37pm
I recently cheated on my boyfriend of 3 years with a married man. it was a very intense yet short lived affair. very sexually charged. since then the affair has ended and no contact has been made with him for almost 6 monthes...but i can't get it out of my head. it has gotten better but still everytime me and my boyfriend have sex i get angry or frustaited and do not enjoy sex with him, in fact i have pushed him off of me and ran out of the room many time. or i bite my lip and wait for him to finish then i break out in tears. i can't take it. i don't know what to do!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 11:49am

>>he has a brand new truck and other loans which he uses pretty much all of his paychecks on which leaves me to deal with rent, bills, food ect...along side my own debts.<<

He just had you move in with him a month ago and at the same time he can't afford to live on his own? I would feel a lot like I was his meal ticket... He's buying stuff for himself that he can't afford and then letting you pay the rest. Yup, great guy...

And it's great that he's looking for a better job so he can pay for his crap. Thing is, he should have done that BEFORE he bought the freakin' truck!

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 3:39pm

trying2baphoenix,

I'm not here to say that your opinions are wrong, but for me personally it is the exact opposite. Maybe just maybe there are others out there like me.

I do not loose inabitions with new people. I loose them when I've been with someone for along time. I've done stuff with my DH that I could never even imagine doing with any of my ex-BF's, even the ones that were long term. To me, not having the "emotional, mental and committment" investment that you speak of, does not give a guy the green light to my body. I need those investments to break down the borders and turn the "experimental" part of me on.

I really don't think that "sex" is the main issue for the OP and her BF. I think that it's a secondary problem to the main problem and that is the one outside of the bedroom.

Defleppardgal

Defleppardgal

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2006
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 4:13pm

I agree, there are more than likely problems outside of the bedroom, however it seemed that she had retained the memory of the sexual situation outside of her relationship far longer than necessary. She also mentioned that when she and her BF began to engage in sex, that memory returned again. It just appeared to have the indications of sexual dissatisfaction and a "non-connection" with her current relationship. There are definitely multiple issues going on there. I simply responded with gut instinct and I am certainly not a relationship expert by any means.

And I applaud your ability to be more experimental in a committed relationship. That is a absolute plus to keep things interesting and fresh. Many people that I have come to know are more inhibited with someone they know because they don't want to appear too "kinky" and less inhibited with a stranger. Different strokes for different folks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 4:23pm

trying2baphoenix,

:) I totally forgot that she was having the flash backs while her and her BF were having sex. Now that you reminded me, I can see your point. I wonder though if her reaction to her flash backs (she runs off and cries) is more of being upset in herself for letting it happen more then the loss of the excitment of the affair. Hmmm, something to ponder. :) Course, only the OP knows for sure. Thanks for opening it up to another point of view. It's great to hear the many different sides!

Defleppardgal

Defleppardgal

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 5:57pm

Amber, I'm going to confuse matters a little.

You've said that the financial woes since moving in together are a large part of the problem. However, I'd like to remind you that the affair ended 6 months ago....so there were obviously issues BEFORE you moved in together and you took financial resposibility.

What else is going on?

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 6:06pm

OK, I can see where you're coming from. However, I think this would be the case more often when couples have different sexual expectations.

I remember being 16 and with my first long term boyfriend. I was new to sex and wanting to invent all sorts of positions and he was a prude. I can still hear him saying "OMG, you can't do it like THAT!" (For the record, yes you can!) As a consequence, I stopped trying new things because I got tired of being corrected.

Many years have passed and I now have a husband (been together nearly 14 years). He and I first slept together as strangers and pushed the limits on all that we could think of sexually. As our relationship developed, it did so with the knowledge that both of us LOVE for the other to try something different. As a result, I am free to be me in the bedroom with the knowledge that I will not be reproved. I don't think I've ever suggested anything that he's said "no" to!

In all honesty, I could not marry someone if it meant the type of sexual relationship that you've described. I need to feel totally accepted for who I am. Both sexually and emotionally.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 12:28am

I'm wondering what else is going on too, Aisha. Amber, you say this is a guy that you "can't live without", but with what you've said it sounds like he has some of the qualities you want, but others that you absolutely do not want, and I also get the impression there are other things that don't exactly satisfy you, and I'm not talking about sex. It sounds like this guy may be closer to right than others you've been with, but he's not "it", he doesn't meet the standard on all the things that you want in a partner. Trying to convince yourself that he's it, or trying to shape him into what you really want and need won't work. What I hear from you is that you're with a guy who you think should be right, but doesn't really cut it for you.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2006
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 3:37pm

>>>>her flash backs (she runs off and cries) is more of being upset in herself for letting it happen more then the loss of the excitment of the affair.<<<<

yes this is very very true, i am very ashamed of what i did. my BF knows of everything that happened and he has decided to forgive me...of course forgivness didn't come easy, i've had to work very hard at earning it. but things you all have said have really his home. i shouldnt punish him for the mistakes i made. and actually i got the courage up last night to try to have sex with him. it was a little difficult. but i think he's figured out what makes me upset during it and what doesn't. it was a very nice 'love making' session and i didn't run off crying! i know its gonna take work, but i think it might be possible

>>>>Trying to convince yourself that he's it, or trying to shape him into what you really want and need won't work.<<<<<<

as for me i dont think there is that 'prince' out there. some people are lucky to find the person they mesh with 100%, although everyone has to work hard at relationships it seems like some come more easier then others. i believe that its finding that person you can not live WITHOUT and sticking to it and making it work (as best you can). he is my best friend and no he's not perfect...but if i were to choose between him and some other guy...it would ALWAYS be him.

hope that might have cleared something up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2006
Sat, 07-15-2006 - 11:03am
It's possible that something drove you to have the affair....Did you enjoy sex with your boyfriend BEFORE the affair? If not, then that's an issue with your boyfriend that I am sure can be worked out with counseling or just plain old ciommunication about what you want sexually. If you did enjoy the sex with your boyfriend before the affair, it's possible you may have some unresolved lust or feelings for the married man. It is not a good idea, in my opinion, to completely push your boyfriend away if these feelings are because you had an affair. That's an issue with yourself and it is not his fault. Maybe you just don't want to be with him anymore. Is that the case? If so, then don't string him along, because I am sure that it bothers him each time you run out of the room. You need to get over thismarried man, because he has a wife and has gone on with his life, without you. The chances of starting a successful relationship with the married man are slim, so work it out with your man. He loves you, I'm sure and probably will do whatever he needs to do to fix the relationship problems that you have. Or, you could confess, because I think you may just feel guilty and it's afffecting your sex life.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 07-16-2006 - 9:58pm

Since the first statement you address isn't mine, I won't comment, but the second statement, "Trying to convince yourself that he's it, or trying to shape him into what you really want and need won't work." is. For what it's worth, I didn't misunderstand, so your statements didn't clear anything up for me, but I do think you didn't understand me.


Just so you know Amber, I don't have stars in my eyes or fairy tale dreams in my heart, I'm pretty much reality based. I don't think there's one "Prince" out there, one "right one" for each of us either. I do think there are a number of people who will fit the bill and I think it's based on compatibility. What I continue to hear you say is that this guy is a great guy and apparently, because of that, you believe you should stay. I believe you that he is a great guy, and likely many would think the same, but he's not the right guy for you. Why do I think that? You've been unhappy for a long time. You've addressed one thing that isn't acceptable about him, but have avoided explaining others, despite being asked. Amber, there are plenty of women who believe that a guy is good and so should be "good enough" or that he's good and there are so few "good" guys out there they should hang onto him because he's the best they'll get. These women go through their lives miserable, unhappy, unsatisfied and frustrated. The right guy won't be perfect, but he won't make you feel unhappy, unsatisfied, frustrated. The areas that he won't be perfect in are areas that won't matter to you and THAT's what will make him "perfect" for you. You can spend the rest of your life trying to be happy with a guy who's "great" and therefore, is someone you should be "perfectly happy" with, but it won't make you any happier and it won't make him any more right for you.


Again I'll say, I'm sure your guy is right for someone, but it doesn't sound like that someone is you. When you settle for less than you want you find out you've settled for less than you thought. I don't know about you, but my life's happiness is worth a whole lot more than hanging on to someone who should be right from me.


Read "Are You the One For Me?" by Barbara DeAngelis You'll learn a lot.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"