the affair that never ends

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2006
the affair that never ends
22
Tue, 07-11-2006 - 2:37pm
I recently cheated on my boyfriend of 3 years with a married man. it was a very intense yet short lived affair. very sexually charged. since then the affair has ended and no contact has been made with him for almost 6 monthes...but i can't get it out of my head. it has gotten better but still everytime me and my boyfriend have sex i get angry or frustaited and do not enjoy sex with him, in fact i have pushed him off of me and ran out of the room many time. or i bite my lip and wait for him to finish then i break out in tears. i can't take it. i don't know what to do!

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2006
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 4:17pm

honestly its a little depressing to hear <<<>>> yes you do have a ligit point of view and i respect that. and yes i may be unhappy in areas of my life, but what if my unhappyness lies within myself? it is in no way my BF's fault. i have a lot of things to work through in my head and i've came a long way in the past few years. i'm not trying to start an argument at all....but do you think that you shouldnt settle for the man you can live WITH, but you should wait for the man you can NOT LIVE WITHOUT? my BF and i have been through a lot together and have learned and matured somewhat together. we have been apart for years at a time and have always found a way back to eachother because its torture being without the other. i know i started the first discussion somewhat 'negative' about the relationship. but i think those negatives are within me. or maybe your right. i do now know. all i know is what i've been into the past years has not been fair or nice to my BF but he's stuck by me and i will forever love him for that. he is the only man i've ever been able to fully trust. does that mean nothing? or is that what its all about. maybe i'm young and imature, but my heart knows that there is so many painful things out there that can ruin a persons soul. yes, there are things in my relationship that i wish were different (i wish he was more mature, i wish HE would take more control over the relationship and finances) but in hindsight...can't that all come with time? to me those things are not very serious. they make me upset, but i know there are worse things out there. he's never laid a hand on me, he's never cheated, he's a guy so of course there are things about him that drive me insane...but its nothing that i can't get past.

thanks for the book suggestion: i will try to find it to read.thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 11:52pm

If your unhappiness lies within yourself you need to address that before moving forward with any guy. You can't be happy with anyone or make anyone happy if you're not happy with yourself.


I have to say, Amber that you keep making reference to him as being someone you can't NOT LIVE WITHOUT, but beyond that, everything you say indicates you can live without him very, very well. Gritting your teeth through sex (crying) is not someone you can't live without. Having an affair is not someone you can't live without. Having significant differences in his personality vs. what you'd like is not someone you can't live without. Everything you say screams "I feel guilty for what I did, he's a great guy so I need to reward him by being as great to him as he's been to me." Everything you've said says he is not a guy you can't live without, and really, there is no guy you can't live without. You may not want to be without someone, but the only person you can't live without it yourself.


I'm sorry that my statement is depressing to you, honestly, I'd think it would be a relief, and would give you reason for hope. Why? Because you're so very unhappy with this guy you're trying so hard to convince yourself is right for you. Amber, the guy who's right for you won't cause you unhappiness, turmoil, there will be no knot in your stomach, and your gut won't be screaming at you that there's something terribly wrong.


I would also suggest that you're not doing your guy any favors by hanging on either. Doesn't he deserve a partner who's happy and satisfied with all aspects of himself as he is? Doesn't he deserve a partner who wants to have sex with him and is happy and satisfied in the act? He deserves that, and so do you. Hanging on to "reward" him for being such a great guy only assures he doesn't get the kind of relationship he deserves. It assures the same for you.


I'd really urge you to see a therapist to work through your own issues and work on being happy and satisfied with yourself; I think that's step one, and I think you deserve what it'll do for you. The book should be available at your local library, and I've found it in all the major bookstores as well.


Huge hugs, Amber, you deserve a lot better than you're resigning yourself to.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

Pages