affects of death on a relationship
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| Sun, 07-09-2006 - 12:27am |
My live-in boyfriend of 1.5 years lost both of his parents this year. Recently, his dad passed away - about 6 weeks ago....since then - one of the changes in him has been to push me away - constantly. For me - I don't get it - because he has no family - I am it - and I would think that he would want to cherish what we have. We hardly ever fought before this - we had a very initimate and close relationship.
We are both relatively young - he is 21 and I am 31 (a young 31 - I pass for 21 - grin)
At first - he changed by starting to go out with new friends, smoking pot all the time, staying out all night (not calling) repeatedly, going MIA, not returning my calls/messages. I literally started to feel like last on his priority list rather than what I used to be.....
Then, he opted to go on a 2 week long work assignment - 12 hours away....he barely spoke to me the first week - wouldn't return my calls. What is really alarming is that his cell phone was the only way I could reach him and I was really worried - plus I have no friends/family in this state - and it was like he had no interest in my well being.
Well - week 2 of the trip - he got into a huge fight.
He came home - told me that he loved me and didn't want to loose me - but that he had no idea who he was anymore, didn't want to hurt me - so he was going to move out for a while and stay with one of his new buddies.......
now - he still stays over once in a while - we will have a great day togther or so - very initimate and passionate, very loving.....
Then he leaves - I cant' get him to return a phone call to save my life - and he won't barely contact me. Flakes out on me -all the time....I feel hurt and angry...especially because he doesn't do this stuff to his buddies....
I love him like crazy - he loves me too......I want to be there for him - but he doesn't want any emotional support from me at all - refuses it - adamantly. All in all - I honestly don't think I did a thing to prompt this change in his behavior towards me - he withdrew before I had a chance to even react.
If he says he loves me and doesn't want to loose me - is it worth me battling the feelings of frustration, anger, hurt, and abandonment that I feel? I have never felt so strongly wonderful about someone - I would do anything for him...but I am really not sure the best ways to support him....and what is healthy for me at the same time.....
Thanks...

Death affects every person differently.
I agree with firstamendment's beautifully-written response, and would also add two things:
1. What you see as needing contact with him because you have no friends or family where you are may seem more like mothering to him. At his age, he is going to resent anything that feels to him like an attempt to regulate his activities.
2. On the other hand, he now has no mother, and you are the closest older female. Although he may want freedom to smoke dope and do whatever else he's doing, he probably also wants to keep you close because you provide a stability that is otherwise missing from his life.
This situation is ideal for him: he gets to do whatever he wants to do, and can occasionally return to you for a day of passion and intimacy. When it starts to be same old/same old, off he goes again.
It is not an ideal situation for you, however. You are not in your footloose early twenties, however young you may look, and you deserve a man in your life you loves and appreciates you all the time, and is able to look toward the future with you, not a boy who alternately accepts and rejects you on the basis of how much he needs his late mother today.
I know this is hard, but you need to do some things for yourself, particularly things that will lead to your having more friends and a set of activities that don't involve him. Whether he just needs some space or is getting ready to move on, you will be happier if you do.
Thank you.
I realize everything you are saying....I know its all right.
I know that I need to detach from this in order to preserve my sanity. My job is suffering, I have had to withdrawl from classes I was taking.....
I am just not sure that I will be able to detach and just hang-out here and not want to move on. Its hard to say goodbye to soemone you love - especially when they are sending you mixed signals like this. I am terrified to take that step....
The mothering thing is 100% dead on target....I didn't think about that and I totally see it now. I realize that my initial response to his actions probably came off that way to mother him - nagging and complaining and trying to reason with him about his actions.
Yes, it is really hard. I am tired of making myself sick over this. I feel like a real idiot for even ever getting involved with him now. I should have seen the emotional immaturity coming or at least known better to become emotionally dependent on him.
I am grieving now too - the person that I thought he was is obviously gone. I cry because I don't know how I can do it - just be content to be treated (what I feel) is like crap while he sows his wild grieving oats. I don't want to be angry - but I can't help it.
Angry at him and at myself. I realize articulating the anger at him is inappropriate because of his situation.
It has codependency written all over it - I know it.....And I somehow am going to have to take some drastic steps to get my mindset out of this......
It sounds like you need some support yourself.
Well said and ITA.
Six weeks is a very, very short period of time to have processed the death of a parent, and while his behavior is unacceptable in terms of a relationship, I personally think it's very early to be expecting him to be who he usually is. At this point, I would urge you to let it slide if you can. I would also urge him to see a therapist to help him deal with these huge devastating events he's had in such a short amount of time. Hopefully, he'll listen and be willing to give it a try. I would also suggest you check with your local hospital, mortuary or library to see if there are any bereavement groups in your area. I think it would be helpful for you to make contact with them, talk about your boyfriend's situation and his behavior change to see what they have to offer you. These people will almost certainly be able to offer you insight and suggestions.
I'm sure you feel used and perhaps like he's using this as an excuse to distance himself from you, but I just don't see that. Unless you've been there you have no idea how devastating a parent's death is, it defies description.
We've had posts regarding changed behavior after death in the past, I'll do some digging and see if I can't find some of them for you. It may not be before tomorrow, but if I can find them, I'll repost with the links to them.
My deepest sympathies to your boyfriend.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
His father died...
How would you react in this situation??
Need help quick!
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"