After 1 yr divorced back w/ex - help

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2006
After 1 yr divorced back w/ex - help
5
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 9:45am

I'm not sure I'm on the right board, but here goes. My DH and I divorced after 20 years of marriage. We had a perfect marriage for the 1st 15 -17 years. I bought a business that did not work out and we ended up bankrupt - reason for divorce was financial and he blamed me for all of it. Ex and I have had a decent relationship since we split. We both live in a small town and see each other often. We have been split for 1 year. I started dating a younger man (12 yrs)in November. Ex found out and got really jealous. Ex and I have talked about trying to work things out a couple of different times but have not been on the same page emotionally at the same time. Ex also has been seeing someone for the last couple of months. Anyway we got back together this past week. Starting talking about our other relationships and both agreed to tell our other partners that we were trying to work things out. Now for the problem, we both had sex with our other partners. We were both faithfull during our marriage. Of course, I don't like the fact that he slept with someone else, but we were divorced. He can't stand the fact that I slept with someone else and it is causing problems with our sex life. He can get turned on but as soon as we start having intercourse he loses it. My question is two fold, has anyone gotten back with their ex and it worked out and how do I get him to get over the fact that I was with another man?

Edited 2/22/2006 11:25 am ET by confusedcamper




Edited 2/22/2006 12:46 pm ET by confusedcamper
Avatar for noregretsever
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2004
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 7:45pm

Hello confusedcamper.


May I offer a male answer to you?


Questions for your ex: how does he feel about having slept with another woman while single after the divorce? What does he think makes it any different for you while you were single?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 10:05pm

Confusedcamper, this is not a sex problem (as I'm sure you know), the problem's in his head. You can't get him to get over it, it's not your issue, it's not your struggle, it's his. Just like he wouldn't be able to get you over a fear of bees, you can't get him over this. Noregretsever made some very accurate points. Why is it that he's okay with the fact that he slept with other women, but can't deal with the fact you did. This makes no sense, except in the realm of male entitlement, which is totally unacceptable in a partnership. His getting jealous of his ex-wife having a relationship is another clue. Seeing a therapist or counselor to work through this issue would be a very smart thing for him to do; the issue isn't a surface issue, it's much deeper than that and will take some work to realize its root and work through it. Do you think he'll be willing to get help to resolve it? I have to ask you, and I hope the question doesn't offend you, but is he as interested in rebuilding a relationship with you as he is making sure no other man has you? Of course, you're there and I'm not, you know how to read him, how the relationship feels, etc.


Something else you mentioned gives me reason for concern. You said the reason for your divorce was financial and that your husband blamed you for your situation. I'm having a hard time understanding why you'd be interested in repeating a relationship with a man who solidly blamed you for ruin, enough so that the result was divorce. I would think after having been through that you'd be pretty unwilling to start again with the man who blamed and divorced you. What are his feelings about those financial issues now? Does he feel differently? Has he apologized profusely and given you every reason to believe nothing like this could happen again? Frankly, I wouldn't be willing to consider a man who had thought that way about me and I think it's entirely possible that his blaming could return. If he can think that strongly and think that negatively once, he can certainly do it again. Those are my concerns. Are you at all concerned about that?







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2006
Thu, 02-23-2006 - 8:51am
Thank you so much. I will share these thoughts with my ex. It is my desire to move forward and let go of the past. He also wants to move forward and is seeing a counselor.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2006
Thu, 02-23-2006 - 9:26am
Thank you for your advice. I do appreciate it. You are right for me to really think this through. Our financial problems have been resloved and he is in counseling. Counseling was the deal breaker for me, either he went or we were not an option. I went through 6 months of counseling right after we split. He had some other issues that he did not deal with during the time of our financial problems (which was a 3 year period). He lost his only brother and mother to cancer. He is commited to building a lasting relationship and we are communicating better now than we have in the last 4 years. He was a very angry person and he has let that anger go. Again thank you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 02-23-2006 - 3:54pm

Well, I have no intentions of getting back with my ex.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***