After 12 years, my husband says he's not happy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2011
After 12 years, my husband says he's not happy.
80
Tue, 02-01-2011 - 11:13pm

Well, I'm new to iVillage, but I am hoping to get a lot of support here!

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Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001

Welcome to the board, Pegasus33 ~ I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
So he gave you no indication of his unhappiness before he came home and made that announcement?
Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004

No one ever NEEDS their SO in order to be fine. You can be fine and will be fine without him, if that is what ends up happening between you two. I am sure you will be a fine mother to your boys if you two do decide to split. If your husband goes, he goes. You can talk from here to eternity and go to counseling but thats all you can do. You can't make him stay. So if he goes on his own accord, he goes. I think first off you need to really ask yourself if you really want to be married to him anymore. You do not sound as though you necessarily do from your post. You say you love him, but do you really? Don't stay with him solely because of your children. If you don't really want to be married anymore then leave on your own, start making plans for that contingency.

I think it is very telling that you had no idea anything was wrong all this time. There is a huge disconnect going on between you two. You describe the last 12 years as "wonderful". He says he has not been happy for a long time. How could two people perceive the same relationship in two totally opposite ways?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2011
Nope, he said he was telling me, but he was just pointing out things that he thought I was doing wrong, so that doesn't really count. He never said that he was unhappy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Do you suspect he's seeing someone else? 9 times out of 10 when a man asks for a divorce out of the blue, it is because he is seeing someone else already.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Pegasus33 wrote:
Nope, he said he was telling me, but he was just pointing out things that he thought I was doing wrong, so that doesn't really count. He never said that he was unhappy.

Pegasus-

IMO, unless he is seeing someone else, you can still save the marriage. You need to think about the fun things you two did at the beginning of your relationship. Find ways to have fun together again. Have a date night once a week. Have a grandparent or two watch your kids while you two go off for a weekend or vacation together. Both of you meanwhile need to have a rule that you will

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2010

I'd do a bit of checking around if I were you. I'm old enough to have seen a lot, and what I have never seen is a man leaving his marriage without someone else waiting in the wings or a potential someone waiting in the wings. I don't know how your husband has managed put to all the blame on you for your troubles, but he owns 50% of it for letting things get so bad. Push back a little, I have a feeling you'll be surprised at what you'll find.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2011
I know he's not doing that. He was a loner when I met him and he still likes to be alone. I've let him go on mountain bike trips, motorcycle trips and numerous other things by himself because I know that is how he is. I really thought that was showing him how much I love him, but I guess I have to work harder.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2011

Yes I work outside the home 3 days and I'm home with my 2 wonderful little boys the other 2 days.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2011
Thanks for the vote of confidence!! We have already been talking that if he decides to stay we do need to have date nights and we are still talking about going to Cancun together. I am also in a much better place about me then I have ever been. I have had severly low self esteem for my whole life and now I have been doing lots of things to improve me for me and not for anyone else. I look in the mirror now and love who I see, which has never happened before. He is noticing that and I think he is happy about that. I really hope that we can save this, but if not, I guess the next guy I find will have a much better me then anyone else has ever seen!!!!

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