Alcohol-induced cheating... what to do?
Find a Conversation
Alcohol-induced cheating... what to do?
| Sat, 07-30-2005 - 6:21pm |
Last year around this time, my best friend at the time came over to my our apartment because she was having a particularly rough time with her own boyfriend (my boyfriend & I had been living together for 6 mos. at that point but had been together long distance, on & off, for about 6 years).
My friend had come over many times before and had crashed in our spare bedroom many times... no problems at all. I felt somehow, that when she came over, she & my boyfriend hit it off very well.. they had very similar tastes in things and they had an amazing communication with each other. I never got jealous because he said that he wasn't attracted to her because she was a smoker.
Nevertheless, this night that she came over, she brought over a huge bottle of champagne. He had already had some scotch before I got home and when she got there, we cracked open the champagne. I had half a glass and then fell asleep on the couch because I was exhausted from the day (it was Friday).
I woke up to her rushing out of the apartment at like 3am saying she had forgotten to take her birth control pill or something. My boyfriend & I then went into our bedroom & went to sleep.
Then at 6am, he woke me up and told me he remembered doing something wrong with her. But he couldn't remember what. He had told me stories from before about him drinking & blacking out & not remembering things, but I was concerned. Then, she called me later that day to tell me that the night before she had woken up to him sitting next to her on the bed. Her shirt was pulled up and she said her bra was undone.
I have no idea to this day what happened that night, but it wreaked havoc on our lives. She filed a police report against him for assault. They went to court and the whole process took months until the case was dropped and he got a plea bargain and now is attending AA meetings.
Things haven't been the same, obviously, since this happened. I moved out shortly afterwards and moved in with my friend. Only to have her kick me out for reasons I didn't understand, about a month later.
I'm confused and don't know what to do. These days I can't get myself to feel anything for him and most of the time I just feel numb.
Please, anyone, let me know your thoughts. I could really use some advice on what to do.
Thanks.
My friend had come over many times before and had crashed in our spare bedroom many times... no problems at all. I felt somehow, that when she came over, she & my boyfriend hit it off very well.. they had very similar tastes in things and they had an amazing communication with each other. I never got jealous because he said that he wasn't attracted to her because she was a smoker.
Nevertheless, this night that she came over, she brought over a huge bottle of champagne. He had already had some scotch before I got home and when she got there, we cracked open the champagne. I had half a glass and then fell asleep on the couch because I was exhausted from the day (it was Friday).
I woke up to her rushing out of the apartment at like 3am saying she had forgotten to take her birth control pill or something. My boyfriend & I then went into our bedroom & went to sleep.
Then at 6am, he woke me up and told me he remembered doing something wrong with her. But he couldn't remember what. He had told me stories from before about him drinking & blacking out & not remembering things, but I was concerned. Then, she called me later that day to tell me that the night before she had woken up to him sitting next to her on the bed. Her shirt was pulled up and she said her bra was undone.
I have no idea to this day what happened that night, but it wreaked havoc on our lives. She filed a police report against him for assault. They went to court and the whole process took months until the case was dropped and he got a plea bargain and now is attending AA meetings.
Things haven't been the same, obviously, since this happened. I moved out shortly afterwards and moved in with my friend. Only to have her kick me out for reasons I didn't understand, about a month later.
I'm confused and don't know what to do. These days I can't get myself to feel anything for him and most of the time I just feel numb.
Please, anyone, let me know your thoughts. I could really use some advice on what to do.
Thanks.

Pages
You have been extremely helpful. I know it's easy to say that because everything you have told me has been what I have needed to hear, again, from a 3rd party who is unrelated and unbiased.
I haven't really discussed the matter, like you said I needed to, with anyone other than friends & family. Yes they all say it's messed up & terrible but I haven't been able to go in depth about it. Seeing a therapist will be the best way for me to handle my feelings.
I moved to LA about two years ago from Chicago. Reason to move from Chicago was that another relationship I was in, a serious one where once again, I thought that it was it and that we were going to be getting engaged any day, ended in a similar manner, but it was more straightforward. In that situation, I was confronted by my then boyfriend and his ex girlfriend one night and they both confessed to cheating behind my back the entire time my boyfriend & I were together (which was a year). I had been living with him, practically, during that time and did not even SUSPECT that anything was going on. He was so unassumming that I really believed he wasn't capable of doing those things... but he did. It killed me, of course, and then I decided to just move away.
Obviously I'm still dealing with those issues as I struggle to deal with these. You're right. I need to see someone. This has the capability of rolling up like a huge snowball and crushing me. Rapid fire cheating happening to someone twice in a row has the ability to really scar someone and prevent them from living a really happy joyful life... It's so unfortunate that there are people like this out there who just think this is OK to do to someone else. At least both boyfriends came clean about it in their own way, at least it wasn't dragging on for five years or longer, but still, it's painful nonetheless.
I am currently making an appointment with a doctor that a close friend of mine recommended to me. I'll keep you posted on my progress.
As for the living situation. I'm just going to have to figure that out. Fortunately for me, I don't have many things (furniture, etc...) most everything belongs to my boyfriend in our apartment. Which is good.
But I will be figuring out that situation after I start dealing with my feelings, which are the most important.
Thank you for your support, 2nd & everyone else.
-Kristen
I'm so glad you feel helped and supported here, and I know you know we don't take your side because we're trying to be nice to you, we're telling you straight up. Your feelings, your reaction and your train of thought are totally understandable, reasonable, normal and correct.
I'm glad you agree about seeing a counselor, taking this trauma to every relationship you have down the road is not what you want or need. I saw a big red flag in what you said most recently though, and I hope you'll consider exploring it with a therapist too. This is your second relationship with a guy who ends up cheating on you. You chose two cheater-types. If you're at all like me, much as you'd like to think it was a coincidence, most likely it's not. Most likely there's a character, dynamic or something that men who are prone to infidelity have that you're attracted to. At the very least you probably aren't able to read the signs well enough to see that some traits or dynamics should be red flags, you know? If I were in your situation, I'd want to check that possibility out thoroughly so as not to repeat the choice of someone who will be unfaithful.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Crisis Center: Rape and Suicide
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Pages