Almost Sexless Marriage and Hateful Hub
Find a Conversation
Almost Sexless Marriage and Hateful Hub
| Mon, 11-21-2005 - 10:00am |
I have been married for 8 months and this marriage is about to end. It's been two weeks now and no sex, I tried to talk with him, he says it's not me but doesn't know what the problem is. It seems to always turn into a fight, and then he starts the name calling. I use to initiate it all the time, but got tired of it so I quit. We have been to counseling and he won't follow through with anything the counselor says to. Im at my wits end, never had anything like this before and don't know what do from here. I love him but the respect is slowly deminishing and I don't like this feeling...please anyone...help

Pages
Is he just not in the mood or is he unable? When did all this change? You said you always were the one to initiate... for the whole time or just more recently? Do you have any history with him prior to marriage that would have indicated that this is a problem? Have you told him this is a dealbreaker for you and you aren't willing to stay in a sexless marriage? (Calmly and rationally tell him... not in the heat of the moment.)
Jen
Adding to Jen's questions, what issues have come up in counselling and what changes are you both expected to make?
A descriptive background to the situation will help us help you :-)
Welcome to the board, Getrdungal ~ From the response you gave Xvegasx, I'd say you're pretty sharp.
Much as you're probably hating it, I agree with Jen and Aisha, there's a lot to be understood before we'll be able to offer any thoughts or suggestions that can hope to be helpful. With the little bit of information you've provided, there are just too many different ways that this could go, too many potential causes, no way to know which direction to head down without a clearer understanding, so I hope you'll come back and give us a better snapshot of your situation.
That being said, I have questions to add to those Jen and Aisha have already asked:
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Thanks for the compliment..
* His behavior outside the bedroom, well depends..some times he flirst with me and then there are times that his moods are just out of control. As long as you don't ask him anything he doesn't want to answer or doubt him, it's okay except for his cocky disposition. Other wise he is the biggest A** H*** that walked the face of this earth except my brother in law..
*Well in the beginning, he was overly nice, attentive (except for what I found later), maybe hid it better. But then his mouth started, he always bitched about all my friends, which have pretty much ran now, blaming me that his actions are my fault, I cause them.. but I am the type (unlike the last one) that doesn't shut up, I will tell you exactly what I think whether you want to hear it or not. He didn't start calling me names until the last 5 months and that is when I have really lost the respect (what little was left) and have really decided that I needed to do some lookin into this behavior. Sunday he told me I don't put 50% into the sex thing or this marriage and man did I come unglued and my true inner feelings all came out. I told him I gave a 125% to the sex thing until the last 4 months and felt that it wasn't fair and things werent changing, I told him I no longer do anymore than 50% laundry, 50% house cleaning, 50% cooking or 50% of the yard, pool, bill paying, grocery shopping and 0% cleaning up after you....that went over well...but he couldn't speak for a few hours...by then I had gone up to bed to watch t.v and he came up like nothing was wrong and wanted to play cards, of course me, the type of person I am, said no thank you..and he got mad and left again...
As for the attitude change, I think it all changed when I started catching him in lies and going behind my back and I called him to the plate on it...
**As for him not knowing what the problem is...I sent him to the doctor, had a complete physical and blood work, no problems there besides a little over weight.. The doctor suggested viagra, but he said he wouldn't take a little blue pill to f)))me..which that comment about tore me in half. The doctor said (at least this what my husband said) probably stress from changing jobs, moving and his last divorce. I can see some of that but not over a year later...I have asked him over and over and get several different reasons, so I don't know what to believe and then I finally told him maybe we need to go to a sex therapist and he said whatever. I asked him if didn't desire me, that made him mad and I said well that is one of the first things that pop into our beautiful little heads, asked him if he want's out of the marriage, he said no, asked him if he use to use porn or desired the swinging or something, and he got madder than hops and said why would I want that, I said well it just happens that way sometimes... but he already knows my views on that stuff, so not so sure he would be honest or not.. Asked him if he desired men, and well ya know that wasn't the best thing to ask, but I need to cover it all.. I have heard some freaky things in marriages..
**Never had a performance problem, but slow at achieving one time..
*This change happened suddenly, a couple months into it, when I caught him calling a chick that he told me he wasn't talking to and he told me he didn't ever sleep with, that they were just friends through work, which she lives hundreds of miles away but he lied and I saw where she called him and he called her back, so I asked him are you still talking to her and he said no, I said do you swear and he said yes, but then I said then why did you two call eachother today and he blew up...cuz I busted him.. I almost left then but he begged me to stay and said he wouldn't do it again..and I called her and told her I didn't appreciate her calling my man, she needed to find her own or if he wanted her he could have her, I wasn't playing the game anymore, she said she didn't know I lived with him, I said oh is that why you quit calling the house? She just was in all, I told her things were going to change and if not, he can run to her house.. I didn't hide non of this, I said it in front of him...and I told him I am not going to be continually lied to, decieved or treated like s*** and he said he wouldn't do it again. To this day he claims he hasn't called her, I haven't found anything to say different, but he has a lady friend (another he claims not to have slept with) and he said I could ask her, and he keeps her phone number but then lied about putting it into his phone, I said if you have nothing to hide, then why lie???I just don't get it...
I would lay money that his lack of desire for you is caused by all the fights that the two of you are having. Not many people can separate their emotions from their sex drive - and nobody wants to have sex with someone who's constantly angry and harping about what's wrong.
HOWEVER. I do feel that your complaints are very legitimate and that you've got a right to be unhappy in this situation. My first paragraph is simply describing how your unhappiness would be effecting his sex drive. If you were a simpering wife who tolerated his behaviour, he'd probably have a strong sex drive ;-)
Quite frankly, it takes two to make a marriage work - and if he's not committed, then you may as well pack your bags now.
Well, I think it's pretty easy to see why you're having such problems, and I don't think they're going to be resolved by going to a sex therapist; your sex problem is the result of your relationship problems, it isn't a sex issue.
It's no surprise you don't have trust, you're married to a man who is a serial liar and cheater, he did it in his first marriage and he's done it to you. Not only just once, but you've caught him multiple times. How in the world can you regain trust when you've proven over and over that he continues to lie to you? You'd have to be nuts to trust someone who's lying to you, you'd be setting yourself up, that certainly isn't doing an adequate job of self-protection. His attitude seems to be one that says he shouldn't have to do anything to prove himself trustworthy again, you're supposed to just take his word for it? Riiight. Because his word was so good last time. Checking his cell phone and having access to his cell phone bill and voicemail password as well as his email password, etc. are things that he should be ready, willing and able to give you. He should be willing to make his life and open book, make you aware of every move he makes. It's his job to prove he's not fooling around, not yours to try to find a way to *make* yourself believe in him. Instead, his attitude is that he shouldn't have to prove anything. Well, he doesn't *have* to prove anything, but if he wants you to trust him again, if he wants a strong, healthy marriage, he'll have to. It's his choice and it's up to him. It sounds like you have a lot of anger built up about all this, and I suspect that it plays a part in his refusal to do what's necessary to prove himself trustworthy. I don't know how he was before all this so I have no idea if his position is typical of his personality or not. It could also be that he's still fooling around and opening up would just show you what he's really doing. I have to say that the fact that he'd lie to the therapist and still be contacting women doesn't give a good indication of how this is going to go. In effect, it says he was in therapy going through the motions of improving your relationship when in fact he wasn't really doing anything at all to improve it and certainly wasn't stopping the inappropriate, cheating behavior. From what you've said, I don't think you have any reason to expect him to change and every reason to believe he'll continue to fool around. He's given every indication that he doesn't want to end your marriage but he doesn't intend to do anything different either.
Adding what you've said about him to the fact that you've pretty clearly stated that you don't like him and have no respect for him (and how could you?) what are you staying around for?
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Getrdungal, I'm not sure what to say....but I'll give it a shot.
You've mentioned the sex thing a few times, but to be honest, if the two of you decide to work on your marriage, it's the very last thing that will be fixed. Even if he was to come good with twice per week, he'd probably be forcing himself to have sex with you - and I'm sure that's not what you want. In the meantime, get yourself a good vibrator and keep quiet about your frustrations. Pick your battles. Use your energies to address the cause of the lack of sex (arguing) - not the sex problem itself.
Also, not that I want to second guess your counsellor...but surely the counsellor could have made the connection between his lost sex drive and all the fighting? I've been in the situation of having zero sex drive for a partner, and to be honest, the reason is not that obvious unless someone points it out to you. It's most likely that your husband truly didn't know the cause.
I'm also concerned about the level of anger that you are feeling. It's so strong in your posts as to be almost palpable. You're like a bomb about to explode. If you are half as angry with him as you are when writing your posts, it's no surprise that he's being argumentative too. Anger very often feeds anger and one often needs to break the cycle. Perhaps the two of you need some time apart so that you can chill for a bit?
At this point, I would suggest that on top of continuing marriage counselling, that you learn some anger management. And also work on some communication strategies. At present, his communication is poor - but your technique of telling how you feel whether someone wants to hear it or not is equally poor....especially if your words are expressed with the anger that I detect. Discretion and tact are essential in a good relationship.
(2nd life....perhaps you have some resources that may be appropriate?)
Best of luck to you whatever you decide.
Pages