Almost Sexless Marriage and Hateful Hub

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2005
Almost Sexless Marriage and Hateful Hub
28
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 10:00am
I have been married for 8 months and this marriage is about to end. It's been two weeks now and no sex, I tried to talk with him, he says it's not me but doesn't know what the problem is. It seems to always turn into a fight, and then he starts the name calling. I use to initiate it all the time, but got tired of it so I quit. We have been to counseling and he won't follow through with anything the counselor says to. Im at my wits end, never had anything like this before and don't know what do from here. I love him but the respect is slowly deminishing and I don't like this feeling...please anyone...help
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Mon, 11-28-2005 - 5:31pm

Just to clarify my ramblings from last night...If you want to continue in your marriage, think you should do this in 3 steps.

Step 1 is to learn to communicate calmly and rationally. I'm guessing that currently you are both pushing each other's buttons big time. If you say something too harshly, he'll get defensive and then a fight will follow. And vice verca.

Step 2 is addressing the trust issues. But be warned that you can't address this UNTIL you can both communicate without anger and blame. You will both also need to be able to understand your partner's point of view. To be able to 'agree to disagree' with respect.

Step 3 is the sex. Hopefully, if you can get past steps 1 and 2, the sex will fall into place for you.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
Mon, 11-28-2005 - 6:04pm

Realistically, why would you expect him to initiate post "I do" - if he didn't "pre I do"?

And if you were doing most of the initiating pre "I do" and had no problem with it - what did "I do" change for you?

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-28-2005 - 11:18pm

I agree with Aisha, I think it's possible that your level of anger may be keeping him backed into a corner in defense mode rather than where you'd like him to be, actively working to prove himself trustworthy, taking responsibility for the trust issues he's caused, doing what he needs to do to help you work through them and actively working with you and your marriage counselor to resolve the problems in your marriage and work towards a stronger relationship with you. Your anger might be enough that you need an outlet to diffuse it so that you don't direct it all at him -- and yes, I know it's very, very difficult not to direct it at the person whom it rightly deserves to be aimed at. Is your therapist working with you on your anger and helping you deal with the trust issues? Does your therapist know that your husband is not actively working to make changes that are agreed upon in counseling?


A few articles from the Information and Resources section that might be helpful to you are: (even if you don't think he had a complete physical affair, reading these article will help you understand what you're feeling and see the process of how it's resolved)

Getting Over an Affair
Healing From Infidelity
Recurring Memories of Spouses Affair
Is It Cheating?
Is it just friends or infidelity?

Verbal Fencing With Someone You Love

Ten Rules For Fair Fighting

Dos and Don'ts For Fair Fighting
Conflicts - Points to Remember
1. Lessons in Communication & Assertion
2. Lessons cont. - Steps to Assertion
3. Lessons cont. - Language of Assertion
4. Lessons cont. - More on Communication
The Lie About Trying Harder
Five Components of Trust

Browsing through the section, you might find more that fit your situation. I would definitely be talking about these issues with your counselor though. He or she has much more understanding and information (besides being trained in counseling!) and will be much better equipped to give you competent suggestions that will help your situation.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2005
Tue, 11-29-2005 - 10:58am
Well, you know, I guess I just got tired of being the one to initiate most of the time, maybe the fact that it makes me feel like I am undesirable. Then to be honest with you, I get an attitude because of the being ignored or my needs not met, why meet his??? That is being very immature I'm sure, but when you try to talk things over and still nothing changes, I guess you kind of give back what is given to you (or not given). I guess I thought that if I acted like he wasn't desirable right back, maybe he would see how it felt and would change things but that's the wrong way to go about it I guess, cuz it works for one or two days and then it's the same thing again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
Tue, 11-29-2005 - 12:46pm

Having been you, been you, been you, been you in FOUR marriages......I've been where you are....and here's the deal.

First, you teach people how to treat you by what you do and what you involve in. So if he was ever an "initiator" on a regular basis - he'd have never been satisfied letting you do all the initiating to begin with ever.

So he doesn't want to initiate, because initiating to him doesn't indicate desirability of him or his partner...and sex to him doesn't translate out to "I'm desirable as a partner".

So he doesn't have the same emotional and mental associations with sex as an act - that you do. Your perceptions cause your feelings....so you two aren't have the same "feelings" as a result of this change in dynamic.

But if you look at the entirety of your relationship...what do you find? And if this scares you - realize I went thru it four times swearing "this time will be different" before I saw it clearly.

In mnost aspects of his life whatever "comes" to him - he takes and utilizes as he sees fit - but he pursues very little. It's also very possible he has one passionate interest or involvement and anything outside of that receives very little recognition or attention whatsoever and he's hard pressed to get to sign papers, or deal with matters of necessity - he's so consumed in this "passionate interest" - be it a career or whatever.

But basically, he married you because he didn't have initiate sexually - because either initiating anything isn't his style....or because he's consumed by one interest or purpose and nothing else has very much of his attention or involvement. And you didn't require much involvement - in order to stick around.

You're now wanting this to change.......you're proposing changing the entire dynamic on which you two have founded your relationship. Not sexually.....but sex is the situation that is showing you exactly how this relationship works. Situationally - this is reflected everywhere.

what you want - you go out and get. You bring it home - he enjoys it - or you bring it home and enjoy it yourself becuase he's off doing his own thing. But what doesn't happen overmuch is him considering what you want and need and expect and meeting that aspect for you - while it requires effort and sacrifice on his part.

Somewhere in there you thought "when we're married this will change, it'll become more equality based, more mutually beneficial, more honestly communicative" - not just about sex, but about everything in general.

And it hasn't.

And that's pretty common....alot of women are one way until they hear "I do". The expect aisle/altar/hymn to do the "I'll alter him" scenario.

So he's saying "I do" to the dynamic that is in play in every regard- remaining as it is. If it were any different - he wouldn't be saying "I do" in the first place.

She's saying "I do" thinking everything will change to be more equal, with her having more consideration by him, etc.......so she's saying 'I do" to a change that hasn't been communicated or agreed to....which in turn has her quickly saying "I don't like this one little bit".

He's going "what's wrong" - nothings changed. We're married and nothing changed...that is precisely what I feared would NOT be the case, it has happened - marvelous and hallelujah.

What you marry - is what you get.

You could take this marriage and situation and allow it to expand you regarding your knowledge, awareness, and responsiblity towards yourself - realizing that what you're seeing time nad again in relationship sna dsituations is the same thing pervasively. That you personally "give to get" - and what you expect isn't delivered, and you're upset, confused, hurt, and disillusioned as a result.

IF that is a pervasive reality in your world - youo need to adjust your level of self-awareness and self-responsiblity -and realize before you form expectations of someone - you must assess heir character objectively, not just your needs generally.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2005
Tue, 11-29-2005 - 2:25pm
You are soooo right about the anger issue with me and yes your also right about me being so angry that it shows and I do look at him different and with doubt now, and oh you hit the nail on the head. I thought about your response for a bit and I see alot of times I have said and acted out at him, just to try and make him feel as bad as I do. Unfair I know, and yes my counselor knows he isn't doing what was suggested but he can't make him, and he told him it isn't going to change if we don't try and do the work. And when he doesn't do what he is suppose to, it makes me mad and then I pay him back. Which isn't going to work either. I read all your lists of options, thank you, printed some off for me to re read and work on. Yeah I need to work past the anger before anythng here will change.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2005
Tue, 11-29-2005 - 2:32pm
Very interesting....
I'm still thinking this one over....
Maybe my expectations are totally wrong and too high...
I'm confused....
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
Tue, 11-29-2005 - 3:39pm

Okay, so are your expectations realistic in light of his previous behavior, his standards, his character?

Or are your expectations totally centered around your needs only?

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-29-2005 - 10:34pm

You need to also be aware that it's possible that even if you change, nothing else will. Hmmmm, let me rephrase that. If you change, you'll have made positive improvement, but he may still choose not to do anything to improve your relationship and he may still have inappropriate contact with other women (that would be a deal-breaker for me) and he may still not be interested in sex any more often than he is. If that happens, you'll know you've done all you can AND you'll walk away a better person than you were before. All you can change is yourself, what he does is completely up to him.


The hard part here is that your anger is justified. He betrayed you, betrayed your marriage, and lied to you about it. His refusal to show his trustworthiness (by showing you his cell phone, for instance) further makes him questionable and gives you more reason for anger, distrust and distance. But, it might also be your approach to him that causes him to act defensive, taking your attitude down a notch might smooth things out considerably. Finding another source to vent some of your anger might help, but as far as trying to make yourself trust him or believe in him? I don't think that's wise at this point, he's done nothing (at least you've mentioned nothing) to indicate that's a wise move to make. Your trust comes when you see there's reason to believe him. *Believing* him when it's not wise to do so, and getting screwed over in the process won't help you trust him, or yourself and sure won't help your problems either.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2005
Sun, 12-04-2005 - 3:27pm
Well...went to counseling wed. night..spoke with the counselor about some of what I've been writing about and hearing in response and really felt good about what was discussed. Left having new ideas on myself, changes that needed to be made on me, and ways to try and have a discussion on issues without the fight. We jab eachother, and then the insults start and the anger really sets in and then the whole real problem is a bigger one. So the week has gone fairly good, still no admittance on his part of changing things but like I told the counselor, I can only change myself and how I feel and I don't want to feel this way anymore. We had a spat Friday night because he constantly keeps hounding me about things when I answer him once or twice already. Nothing new... I blew it off... Well today it all went to crap. Maybe petty but when he repeatedly asked what the problem was (which I found unimportant so I was just going to forget it) and I told him nothing well he continues until I answer the way he wants me to then he starts his yelling, degrading me, insulting me and I walk away after telling him he needs to watch what he says like the counselor suggested and he said what are you going to do about it. I walked away and left it alone until he came in and started again. I told him, if he could talk to me respectfully and adult like, we might resolve the issue and I wouldn't walk away. Well that went nowhere, he said I don't want to listen to your bit_ _ ing anyways and left. I give up... this is just so immature and redicules and I've never dealt with this before. A friend of mine came over last night and played cards and he threw a fit in front of her because he was loosing the card game and I was winning. My friend and I just laughed and said it's just cards, no life altering and she couldn't believe the way he acted and said she can't figure him out.... Another chapter in my life...lol...